Chasing Approval, Finding Alignment

I’ve had some recent conversations with people from my past. Nothing heavy or confrontational. Just reconnecting. In those moments, I became more aware of how I had shown up before—where I caused harm, where I avoided responsibility, where I didn’t see clearly.

It wasn’t painful in the way it might have been years ago. It was honest recognition. A willingness to accept that those parts of my history are mine, without reframing or defending them. Without expecting forgiveness.

That awareness carried into this morning, where a simple thought came into focus.

For much of my life, I was chasing approval.

It showed up in familiar ways. I would make a self-deprecating comment and wait for someone to contradict it. I would put something out there that invited reassurance. And even when someone responded with something supportive, I didn’t really take it in. I questioned it or brushed it aside.

Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t searching for truth. I was looking for validation, and I didn’t trust it even when I received it. That pattern kept me looking outward, dependent on responses that were inconsistent and never fully satisfying.

Sobriety changed the direction of that search.

Not all at once, but through a gradual process of seeing more clearly. As I stepped away from alcohol, I also stepped closer to myself. With that came a different kind of awareness—less distortion, fewer excuses, and a clearer understanding of my actions and their impact. The focus shifted from how I was perceived to whether I was being honest.

That shift brought a change in perspective: I now seek alignment.

Instead of asking others to validate that I’m okay, I now ask whether I’m living in a way I can stand behind. That question doesn’t depend on timing, attention, or response. It depends on clarity and a willingness to see myself as I am.

Some of these reflections found their way into a small book I put together for friends and family, more as a way of documenting that first year than anything else. It serves as a reminder of what I was learning, and what I needed to see.

I had considered saving this for a birthday post, tying it to a milestone. That didn’t feel necessary. The awareness is here now, and it feels right to write it while it’s still fresh and clear.

I’m no longer chasing approval—I’m learning to live in alignment with what I know to be true, accepting who I am.