Featured Posts
Chasing Approval, Finding Alignment
I’ve had some recent conversations with people from my past. Nothing heavy or confrontational. Just reconnecting. In those moments, I became more aware of how I had shown up before—where I caused harm, where I avoided responsibility, where I didn’t see clearly.
It wasn’t painful in the way it might have been years ago. It was honest recognition. A willingness to accept that those parts of my history are mine, without reframing or defending them. Without expecting forgiveness.
That awareness carried into this morning, where a simple thought came into focus.
Recovery52 – Year 2 Anniversary – A Photo Project: Two Years On
“Choosing sobriety opens the door to a journey of discovery: of self, purpose, and true freedom.”
Two years. It feels surreal to type those words, but here I am: two years sober. When I chose sobriety, I thought I was simply choosing to stop drinking. What I didn't realize was that I was opening the door to something much bigger—a journey of discovery: of self, purpose, and true freedom.
Recovery52 – Week 48 – Praise & Apologies
“Apologies aren’t meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future.”
— Kevin Hancock
Early in this project, while talking with a close friend about the emotional and physical traumas of my childhood, I shared a vow I made long before I had the words for it: I would never hit a woman or harm a child. Given what I had witnessed and endured, this vow felt like a core promise—a line I would never cross.
He responded with something that stayed with me: “You broke the cycle. You didn’t repeat the pattern.”
Recovery52 – Week 46 – Seeking Truth
“All too often we’re filled with negative and limiting beliefs. We’re filled with doubt. We’re filled with guilt or with a sense of unworthiness. We have a lot of assumptions about the way the world is that are actually wrong.”
— Jack Canfield
In last week’s post, I committed to staying mindful when negative and limiting beliefs surface—to pause, reflect, identify their source, and question their truth and usefulness. My intention was, and still is, to challenge the beliefs that continue to influence me today.
Recovery52 – Week 45 – Challenging Limiting Beliefs
“One of the hardest expressions of self-assertiveness is challenging your limiting beliefs.”
— Nathaniel Branden
Last week, I shared several early Adverse Childhood Experiences that shaped my core fears and beliefs. Since then, without adding anything new to the list, I’ve been reflecting on how those early experiences—and others throughout my life—have influenced my growth, my behavior, and my relationships.
Recovery52 – Week 43 – Pick Up The Shovel
“If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.”
— Anne Morrow Lindbergh
In preparing to write this week’s post—and following last week’s intention to dig deeper into the roots of my substance abuse and long-standing patterns—I reread every post I’ve written so far. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made: the sobriety I’ve held, the growth I’ve earned, and the consistency of this photography project.
But rereading also made something unmistakably clear: I’ve been staying safe.
Recovery52 – Week 41 – Not This Time
“Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present.”
— Thomas S. Monson
Last week, I wrote about a major shift in my recovery journey—my therapist moving on and the sudden need to continue forward without that familiar pillar of support. At the time, I felt grounded and confident in the strength I’ve built.
This week, though, something quieter surfaced. A small current of apprehension rose up when I was reminded of the upcoming time change—the clocks rolling back, mornings growing colder, evenings stretching darker. The feeling was subtle but persistent. Instead of brushing it aside, I chose to explore it.
Recovery52 – Week 40 – Transitions
“A man's pride can be his downfall, and he needs to learn when to turn to others for support and guidance.”
— Bear Grylls
This week brought unexpected change in my recovery support network. After more than ten months of consistent, steady work with a therapist who helped me rebuild my life, I received an email letting me know he would be leaving the practice. We would have only one more session together. I sat in my car for a long time after reading the message, letting the weight of it settle.
Recovery52 – Week 37 – Moving Forward
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
— Buddha
I’m a couple of days late with this week’s post, missing my self-imposed Thursday deadline. And I’m completely at peace with that. I chose instead to enjoy a road trip through central Washington, traveling part of the Cascade Loop with a good friend. We drove long miles on rural roads, photographed landscapes, and embraced a sense of adventure. A missed deadline was a small price for time well spent.
Recovery52 – Week 35 – Passion Over Addiction
“Passion creates, addiction consumes.”
— Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts
This has been a good week for me, relatively speaking. At thirty-five weeks alcohol-free, having moved beyond routine urges and practicing healthier habits in both thought and behavior, I feel my sobriety is solid. But I also know—through hard experience—that sobriety is never guaranteed.
Recovery52 – Week 33 – Two Thieves
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves — regret for the past and fear of the future.”
— Fulton Oursler
With more than eight months in sobriety and thirty-three weeks into this photography project, I continue to find peace and clarity in daily life—peace and clarity I did not have when I was drinking, especially during periods of heavy use. After stumbling out of my last hard binge, carrying the painful memories of prior lapses, the knowledge of how I hurt others, and the growing realization that my life had lost meaning, I resolved to end that way of living.
Recovery52 – Week 32 – Governing the Kingdom
“A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings dwell; And very hard the task I find of governing it well.”
— Louisa May Alcott
As I enter another week of recovery, I’m reminded how much of this journey is about managing my inner world—my thoughts, feelings, and reactions. This week brought several events that stirred strong emotions and challenged my sense of balance.
Recovery52 – Week 31 – Toxic Media Detox
“Don't let the bearers of bad news become the pallbearers of your happiness.”
— Stewart Stafford
My initial thoughts for this week’s post were about revisiting rumination—how dwelling on the past or worrying about the future stirs up shame, regret, and fear. Those imagined monsters can become powerful triggers. But I’ll save that for another post.
Last night, I felt the early stirrings of anger—an emotional rise that reminded me of the kind of mood that once led me toward drinking. It began after I came across a few news headlines that irritated me. Instead of stepping back, I found a recent podcast on the topic, hosted by people I used to find humorous. Within fifteen minutes, I realized my agitation was growing. I shut it off immediately, returned to silence and mindfulness, and eventually shifted into reading for pleasure. I wasn’t close to relapse—I was self-aware.
Recovery52 – Week 27 – Trigger Stacking
“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”
— James Thurber
In last week’s reflection, I wrote about “habit slipping” as a factor that can precede relapse. Letting healthy routines slide leaves me feeling unsettled, anxious, and emotionally off balance. With awareness, I recognized another pattern that played a role in past relapses—what I now call “trigger stacking.”
Recovery52 – Week 26 – Habit Slipping
“Be forgiving with your past self.
Be strict with your present self.
Be flexible with your future self.”
— James Clear
The quote above is from James Clear’s book Atomic Habits, an excellent read in my opinion. He explains how to build good habits and dismantle bad ones. One of his key ideas is “habit stacking”: connecting a new behavior to an existing habit so the new habit becomes easier to maintain.
Recovery52 – Week 25 – Feeling My Feelings
“We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
— Brené Brown
Unapologetically, I find myself circling the edges of fear again—resistant to diving straight into the deep. Last week I wrote about exploring the fears that hold me back: fears of hurting myself or others, of being hurt by others, and the very human fear of uncertainty. These fears were shaped over a lifetime, living both in the mind and the body. But this topic requires honesty and vulnerability, and I don’t feel ready to reveal more without additional contemplation and conversations with people I trust.
Recovery52 – Week 24 – Trust and Fear
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”
— Nelson Mandela
I’m writing this week’s post on the Fourth of July. Invitations to parties and potlucks have come in, and there are plenty of events happening around me. But I’ve chosen to stay home—away from environments where alcohol will be present. Two honest thoughts guided that choice: first, would I be susceptible to the old whisper of “just a little, you can handle it now”? And second, would I feel left out or unsettled watching others drink? I even avoided grocery shopping this weekend to sidestep the crowds stocking up for celebrations. It simply felt wiser.
Recovery52 – Week 23 – Anticipation, Awareness, and Achievement
“It’s not the destination, it's the journey.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m a little late with this week’s post because I spent four days on a road trip with a close friend. The first two days were spent enjoying the scenery, stopping for photos, and sharing good memories. The last two days were the real work: loading a moving truck, driving twelve hours with frequent stops, then unloading everything at the end. Knowing the purpose of the trip would be stressful, we planned a slower start so we could savor the journey before the hard labor began.
The details aren’t necessary here, but the mission was a success. Everything in the California storage unit fit into the U-Haul, we avoided breakdowns and injuries, made it back to Portland on schedule, and we captured some great images from the Northern California Redwoods and coastline.
Recovery52 – Week 22 – Finding Calm with Intention Meditation
“Learn to slow down. Get lost intentionally. Observe how you judge both yourself and those around you.” — Tim Ferriss
Here I am, working on the 22nd of the 52 weekly posts in this Recovery journey and photography project. I wasn’t sure which topic resonated most this week—several ideas have been circling in my mind, each deserving more space than a single-page reflection can offer. Themes of self and ego, of a higher power, of addiction and neuroscience—all fascinating, all complex, all still works in progress for me.
After some contemplation, a session with my counselor, and a few moments that triggered judgment toward myself and others, I decided to return to something that has helped me before: meditation.
Recovery52 – Week 21 – Myopic Recovery
“It is great to be introspective, self-analysis can be useful, but only if it results in action.” — Joe Sacco
I feel solid in my sobriety. But through deeper awareness and the self-inventory work I wrote about last week, I’ve also been feeling a sense of selfishness in how narrowly focused my recovery has been. I’m strong and successful in my abstinence from alcohol. I appreciate the clarity of mind, the physical improvements, and the integrity returning to my life. I feel in control of my addiction.
Yet while my recovery mindset serves me well around alcohol, I can still see echoes of addictive thinking in other parts of my life: