December 14, 2023
Day 346 AF.
"You are afraid of letting anyone get close." - My sister
Shit. She's right!
In prior posts, I have searched the internet for quotes from famous people, that resonated with each week's chosen topic. This week, while having a phone conversation with my sister, and hearing her say this, I immediately knew and felt this truth is the issue for me to work on with much more seriousness than I have up to this point in my recovery effort. I have been speaking of fears and beliefs in prior posts, acknowledging my limited ways of being and feeling, my inability to be fully open to and accepting of others, my negative ways of thinking and behavior, and my periods of substance abuse.
I am looking at two general fear categories that underlay my "wall" of self-protection, my ways of avoiding both physical and emotional harm, whether real or imagined and my source of anxieties and worries.
1. If I allow others to get close, they may hurt me, therefore others can't be trusted.
2. If I get close to others, I may hurt them, therefore I can't be trusted.
The first fear makes sense considering the traumatic events from early life that I described in recent posts. Such early life "learnings" and my tendency to negativity bias toward bad news and bad actors in the world have fortified my distrust of others. (I will not recount any more troubling memories, as I think I have revealed enough examples in these posts to demonstrate what I am working with.)
The second fear makes sense, in that I can recall too many times when I was dishonest or disappointed others in my life by not being fully present and available in relationships. . I can recall too many times filtering my thoughts to not hurt another's feelings, fearful of being abandoned, or possibly invoking another's anger toward me, tying back to fear #1.
Even now, I worry that my recovery could stumble, and I have convinced myself I will not lapse again. But having failed in sobriety before, I don't yet trust this promise, even to myself.
This is week 47 of my 52-week recovery project. I am in the final stretch, 90% of the way toward my goal. To put this in terms of a quarter-mile race, a length of 1,320 feet, I have only about 130 feet left to run, to complete this event. I will cross the finish line. I will win this race. I will keep this promise. But then, I will turn this sobriety sprint into a recovery relay, one step in front of the other, sure-footed and steadfast, always moving forward.
I am currently engaged in learning more about recovery, psychology, cognitive behavioral therapy, critical thinking, attachment theory, neuroscience, Stoicism, and Buddhism. I have printed books, audiobooks, podcasts, YouTube channels, and websites on these subjects that I consume. I have read the deluxe edition of the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am making progress in understanding these subjects and mapping my experience and understanding to frames that make sense to me. I seek "a-ha" moments in these learnings that support my recovery. It is work, it is eye-opening and it also can be exhausting without a break. So, I am ending here and getting out for a nature walk with my camera. To let myself feel some quiet, and to refresh my mind for continuing the journey.
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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