The simple truth of things is that bad dreams are far better than bad wakings.
- Stephen King
Day 94.
Another week moving forward in my sobriety. Addressing the issue of complacency in recovery in last week's post, I thought I would begin to address confronting my fears, a rather vague and broad subject. A series of posts on the variety of fears I have would likely be the result in order to keep these weekly posts to a digestible one page length. Well, I'm leaving my fears on the table for now and going with the subject of "relapse" dreaming.
I had two dreams this week directly tied to my history of alcohol abuse and my recovery. Both dreams seemed so real that at the moment of waking I honestly felt the emotions of shame, guilt and regret that used to be part of my “drinking” life. Fortunately, these emotions faded a bit as I realized I had only been dreaming. But, it honestly scared me. After the second dream, I decided that these events deserved my attention, to analyze the dreams and use the learning to benefit my recovery. For anyone wanting to know more about “relapse dreaming” I will include a couple web links below, and there are many other resources to be found with an online search. Now to summarize the dreams I had and the feelings that I had.
In the first dream, I was in a nondescript shopping center, with many nondescript shoppers, and I was intending to buy some alcohol. I recall the thought that I would need to hide it, but I knew I could get away with it if I was careful. I also rationalized that I had already been drinking the day before (in my dream) and that it didn’t matter because I had already relapsed. I woke at this point and actually thought for a moment that I had truly relapsed. While taking my morning coffee I thought about the dream and how I actually felt shame and guilt for relapsing and for the deceit I was contemplating to hide the new purchase and continuing relapse. Shit! Pondering this dream had me wondering what may be underlying the dream: perhaps the urge to lapse, for whatever false comforts my drug could bring, or perhaps fears that I might lapse, complacency and overconfidence leaving me vulnerable. Fear?
In the second dream, I was in a nondescript urban area, a number of nondescript residents around. Two real friends from years past were in the dream and had just purchased some nearby property with plans to build and develop. They were wondering about how best to clear part of the land and get “squatters” out of an old house. The impactful part of the dream was when I tried to offer my advice and my help, that these old friends did not trust me, pointing out past times when I had been dishonest about my drinking behavior. Again, the dream felt so real, the emotions of shame and guilt, the sense of loss of the friendships, and the breaking of trust brought to the forefront. Regret? Distrust?
The day following each of these dreams left me feeling a bit down, reliving the emotions that resulted from drinking behaviors and my choices to use. After some contemplation and sharing thoughts about these with friends and my therapist, I have decided to look at these dreams in a positive light. These dreams were reminders of my past problematic choices and behaviors. These dreams “allowed” me to experience the negative emotions and consequences that resulted, which I will use to reinforce my resolve to stride forward in sobriety. These dreams were actually gifts, provided I learn from them and future ones.
“I cannot change my past, but I can change my future.”
Well, it’s getting late. Time for sleep!
Next time I’ll attempt to tackle a specific fear that I have.
Have a good week!
Relapse dreams - Science Daily
Sinning in Your Sleep - Psychology Today
(My search on the internet for "relapse dreams" resulted in many links to specific recovery centers and I didn't want to promote any of them here, though I would suggest a lot of learning here for anyone wanting to pursue the topic.)
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