"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." — Aristotle
Day 382 AF.
This post is the final one for my 52-week photography project, allowing me to share reflections and thoughts on my journey in recovery from alcohol misuse. I had intended to focus on my feelings of pride in hitting this goal and describe my shift to another photography project centered on more than just recovery. Important points, which I will address at the end, but my planned outro was derailed by events outside of my control and deserved attention.
A projected winter storm rolled into the area this past Saturday morning, with me shrugging off the news and thinking a couple of "snow days" could be fun, allowing me to hunker down with nothing to do and an excuse for doing nothing. It came as expected in the morning, and by 11:49 AM my power had gone out. Pulling out my flashlight and headlamps and putting on some extra clothing layers as the heat began dropping, I enjoyed the early childlike excitement of the power being out.
Without giving a detailed account of this experience, the outage exceeded my assumption of just a few hours to nearly five full days without light and heat. In the first couple of days, I got by with my sense of humor, making coffee and meals on my Coleman camp stove, wearing winter layers, and doubling the blankets on my bed. I had a battery brick to keep my phone charged, giving me the ability to engage in social media and check the status of my power outage.
By day three of this existence, I was beginning to tire of being "snowed in". Fortunately, I was able to get to my local gym for a shower and charge my devices. The cold and dark at my apartment began to wear on me, affecting my mood. My sleep schedule was disrupted, my sleep quality was poor, and I could not run my CPAP machine. I woke early in the morning of day four, recognizing depression was settling in. Not just a sadness, but the kind of chronic low feeling that would have me disconnecting from the world and seeking escape. I knew I had to get out of this.
On this fourth morning, I was able to sit with a hot coffee at a coffee bar inside my local grocery store, watching patrons line up at the check stands with essential items ... and lots of beer and wine being carried out the door. I did hear that old voice, weak but still there, telling me I could drink if I wanted to. Not this time, old friend! I began to recall a winter storm and power outage in February of 2021, where I would bundle up and go for walks around the ice-bound neighborhoods, glad that grocery stores were still open and within walking distance. Feeling isolated and thinking, "No one will know", I brought home a boxed wine from each of my walks that season, getting numb. Yeah, I didn't want to feel. It's a wonder I didn't freeze in my drunken sleep.
I only had to recall the final missteps that led me to start this recovery, the harm and pain caused to myself and others. I also thought about my success so far in this recovery effort and now the completion of this creative project. Engaging both a negative motivation and a positive motivation to keep moving forward, I came home and endured another day and night in the dark and cold, but warmed by my pride and strength at choosing and maintaining sobriety.
With less than two hours remaining before a full five days of no electricity, the power was restored. I felt gratitude for the tireless and skilled people working in the miserable cold to restore power. I also felt sadness and compassion for the tragedies that killed and harmed others during this storm and for those less fortunate than me. A thoughtful sigh of relief, and then began the tasks of cleaning dishes, laundry, and bedding, and sorting through the food in the freezer and refrigerator for salvageable items. Also, power returned in time for me to make the weekly Thursday deadline for this blog posting.
I intend to shift my photographic efforts to a new 52-week project focused on creativity and seeing creatively because I want to engage more broadly with the creative community. I want more than just the identity of being in recovery, I want to achieve and enjoy life with goals and efforts, to connect with communities of people of varied interests and activities beyond just recovery. But I will continue to engage with my friends and groups in recovery. I will keep this Recovery52 blog alive and post whenever I find reasons that may resonate with myself and my friends in recovery. I will remain humble and must always be aware of that old voice that may come calling.
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to everyone on the journey.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to have been of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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