Recovery52 – Week 52 – A Finish Line

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.”

— Aristotle

My 52-week photography and recovery project is complete. I expected to write about the pride of reaching this milestone and the transition to a new photography project—topics I will return to shortly. But life had other plans, and recent events demanded attention first.

A projected winter storm arrived last Saturday morning. I shrugged off the warnings, thinking a couple of “snow days” might be relaxing—an excuse to slow down. The snow came, and at 11:49 a.m., the power went out. At first, it felt almost playful. I pulled out my flashlight and headlamp, bundled up, and let the child-like excitement settle in.

But the outage didn’t last a few hours—it lasted nearly five full days.

In the early days, I managed with humor: making coffee and meals on my camp stove, layering up, doubling blankets, and keeping my phone alive with a battery bank. I checked outage updates, stayed connected with friends, and tried to make the best of it.

By day three, the novelty wore off. The cold felt deeper. The isolation heavier. Thankfully, I could visit my local gym to shower and charge my devices. But the dark and silence began affecting my mood. My sleep was poor, and I couldn’t use my CPAP. Early on day four, I felt depression settling in—not just sadness, but that familiar heavy pull that once led me toward escape.

On the fourth morning, sitting with a hot coffee inside my local grocery store, I watched people buying essentials—along with plenty of beer and wine. And I heard the old voice, faint but persistent:

“You could drink if you wanted to.”

Not this time.

I remembered a winter storm in February 2021, when I roamed icy streets and returned home with a box of wine each time—grateful no one was around to see. I drank to numb. I drank to disappear. It’s a wonder I didn’t freeze.

This time, I reminded myself why I started recovery: the harm, the pain, the self-destruction. And then I reminded myself of everything I’ve achieved since. Drawing on both negative motivation and positive momentum, I came home and endured another cold, dark night—but with pride and strength.

Power returned just short of the five-day mark. Relief washed over me. Then came the cleanup: dishes, laundry, sorting out spoiled food. And just as things stabilized, frozen pipes thawed, flooding several apartments. Mine stayed dry, but the water was shut off for another seven days for repair.

Nearly two weeks without basic comforts—and I stayed sober and steady through all of it.

Now, circling back to where I hoped to begin: I’m considering a shift in my photographic efforts to a new 52-week project centered on creativity and seeing creatively. I want to expand my identity beyond recovery and reconnect more fully with the creative community. I want to enjoy life with purpose, goals, and connection outside the context of addiction.

But I will remain active with friends and groups in recovery. I’ll keep the Recovery52 blog alive and post whenever inspiration arises. And I will stay humble—aware that the old voice may return, and committed to answering it with clarity, strength, and truth.

If my reflections have supported anyone else along the way, I’m grateful. My recovery continues forward—steady, mindful, and intentional, moving with purpose into whatever comes next.

Recovery52 – Week 50 – One Year Sober

Recovery52 – Week 50 – One Year Sober

“Recovery is not simple abstinence. It’s about healing the brain, remembering how to feel, learning how to make good decisions, becoming the kind of person who can engage in healthy relationships, cultivating the willingness to accept help from others, daring to be honest, and opening up to doing.”

— Debra Jay

It is now just over one year into my current recovery effort. New Year’s Day 2023 has passed, and I moved through the holiday season with clear awareness and no hangovers, no memory loss, and no shame—the consequences that once defined my past drinking years. I recognized the familiar people, places, and situations that once triggered escape or celebration, and this year I stayed grounded in sobriety. Crowded spaces, heavy traffic, holiday consumption, noisy media, and polarized voices swirled around me, yet I remained centered.

Another difference this year was being fully present with loved ones and friends. I enjoyed Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve with a great friend. I spent Christmas Day and New Year’s Day alone, yet not lonely. I filled those days with creative work, healthy routines, and mindful awareness. I felt no urge to drink—not for escape and not for celebration.

For accuracy: Day 365 fell on January 1st. This project continues for a couple of extra weeks because, during that first week of 2023, I was still moving through withdrawal symptoms—acknowledging the problem but not yet committed to a clear plan. It took another week before this photography project took shape, alongside seeking professional counseling. My first blog post was published on January 20th, and I will not let that milestone pass unrecognized.

In past attempts at “sobriety,” I’ve had stretches longer than a year. But those were based only on abstinence—white-knuckling through without understanding the roots of my drinking. I made small adjustments but never did the deeper work of self-awareness. Abstinence without true change left me standing at relapse’s door over and over.

This time is different.

The weekly commitment of this project has been a powerful motivator. With 49 weeks behind me, I have written openly about my history, discoveries, and struggles. Putting thoughts on the page has strengthened both my thinking and my writing. Photography has brought creative joy, fueling my excitement and drive. I’ve built healthy routines—mindfulness, journaling, and exercise—that support sobriety. I’ve benefited from a skilled therapist and have learned to be more open and honest with loved ones and concerned friends.

I also understand the value of negative motivation in maintaining recovery. Sometimes I “play the tape,” asking myself if I ever want to return to my old drinking days—slowly killing myself, harming relationships, destroying trust, and living without meaning. Even remembering the physical pain of hangovers and withdrawal helps me stay grounded and grateful for the life I am building today.

I am committed to this recovery. I am proud of this photography project. In these final two weeks, I will reflect on the full arc of this journey and discuss how I plan to continue both my recovery and my creative work through photography and other media.

Recovery52 – Week 44 – Happy Thanksgiving!

“Fear is a question. What are you afraid of and why? Our fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if we explore them.”

— Marilyn French

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

— John F. Kennedy

This week’s post opens with two quotes that feel especially relevant to where I am in my recovery. Last week, I committed to beginning deeper work on the fears rooted in my early childhood. That commitment still stands. But with Thanksgiving arriving, it also feels important to pause and acknowledge gratitude—something woven into this holiday from childhood onward.

With Marilyn French’s words in mind, I want to begin addressing a few of the fears that were shaped by traumatic early experiences—what we now label “Adverse Childhood Experiences.” I’m not going to list everything, nor will I share the most painful details. I don’t want to trigger anyone who may be reading this while navigating their own recovery. But I will share a few foundational experiences, both to honor the truth of how I learned to fear, and to lay groundwork for the posts ahead:

·       My biological father abandoned our family before I turned one. He struggled with depression.

·       My first stepfather beat and burned me. I don’t remember it, but I’ve seen the photos. My amygdala was wired to High Alert before I had language.

·       My second stepfather committed acts I won’t detail here.

·       My third stepfather was a drunk and a wife-beater. I remember the screams, the fear, and my seven-year-old brother being thrown against a wall when he tried to intervene. The town cops—his drinking buddies—hauled him away to sober up.

·       A later partner of my mom’s was emotionally unhealthy and refused to divorce his legal wife, choosing to stay for financial reasons while living with us.

Damn, they were all sons of bitches. Just writing this stirs up anger. These experiences taught me to fear pain, to fear being hurt, and to fear expressing myself. I learned early that shutdown, avoidance, escape, and retreat were the safest options. As a child, I escaped into fantasy, science fiction, and imaginative play. As an adult, I escaped through alcohol and other numbing behaviors.

I’m working on this now—learning to recognize and confront the fears that still influence me. I’m not holding resentment, nor am I assigning blame. Forgiveness is not something those men deserve. Forgiveness is something I can offer myself for not healing sooner. I take responsibility for my behavior, my choices, and my recovery. I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m not making excuses. I own my future.

Turning to President Kennedy’s quote, I want to express my gratitude this Thanksgiving. I’m grateful for 325 days of sobriety, and for growing in ways I never reached in prior attempts. I’m grateful for a skilled therapist whose guidance helped me rebuild the foundation I stand on today. I’m grateful for family and friends whose concern, honesty, and sincerity have helped me become more open and trusting. And I’m grateful for learning to trust myself—finally feeling a sense of pride in my recovery.

I still have work ahead, but I’m confident in the skills, awareness, and mindset I’ve built. I’m grateful for my relationships, my health, my resources, and the moments of meaning and joy that fill my days.

I’ll return to exploring the past experiences that continue to influence my present. For now, I’m grateful. And I wish everyone a peaceful, meaningful holiday season.

Recovery52 – Week 36 – Recipe for Recovery

“A joyful life is an individual creation that cannot be copied from a recipe.”

— Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

This has been a good week, with no internal challenges to my sobriety. I’ve been consistent with healthy routines—daily planning and journaling, meditation, and regular workouts at the gym for both mental and physical well-being. I’ve enjoyed beginning each morning with coffee and time spent creatively editing photographs.

Today, I improvised a chicken–vegetable–rice soup, enjoying the quiet of the kitchen and the anticipation of a warm, comforting meal.

I’ve listened to audio streams about recovery, addiction, and science, and even found enjoyment in YouTube videos about the history of my favorite video game franchises. I have a couple of books in progress that help me unwind before sleep. Yes, I allow myself moments of escape—intentional, healthy escape.

Of course, not everything is easy. Loved ones are facing illness and loss. I try to offer support and encouragement where I can. I continue to feel concern about finances and the future, but I’m addressing these areas steadily. I know that if I weren’t sober, I couldn’t be of service to myself or to anyone else.

The quote above resonates deeply with me: my life is mine to create, not to force into a prefabricated mold. Over the years, I’ve explored other recovery paths—AA, SMART Recovery, Dharma Recovery—and studied psychology and addiction to understand my own patterns. But no single program provided the final “one-size-fits-all” answer. Instead, each offered something useful.

What works for me now is a combination of ideas, tools, and insight—supported by the most essential ingredient: my intrinsic motivation to live a meaningful and joyful life. This, more than anything else, fuels my recovery.

Recovery52 – Week 34 – Gratitude for Today

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

— John F. Kennedy

Last week, I wrote that I must guard against the two thieves of my present moment: past regrets and future worries. Today became a living reminder of that truth.

Today, I walked a bridge—literally and metaphorically—moving from one shore to another, from yesterday into tomorrow, grounded in the present. Today.

Today, I climbed a mountain. Today, I sat beside a waterfall. Today, I moved through nature with awareness. Today, I traveled familiar roads and saw familiar places through fresh eyes. Today.

Today, I felt gratitude. Gratitude for nature’s beauty. Gratitude for my capacity to move, breathe, notice, and explore. Gratitude for the chance to strengthen body, mind, and spirit. Today.

Today, I felt grateful for my sobriety—grateful for my own determination, and grateful for every person in my circle who supports me. Today.

Today, I am sober. Today.

(For context: I hiked Saddle Mountain in Clatsop County, Oregon, and visited Fishhawk Falls. Much of the time on the trail was mindful and grounding. The drive was peaceful, with calming music. I ended the day with pizza—a small celebration of being fully alive and fully present.)

Recovery52 – Week 26 – Habit Slipping

“Be forgiving with your past self.

Be strict with your present self.

Be flexible with your future self.”

 — James Clear

The quote above is from James Clear’s book *Atomic Habits*, an excellent read in my opinion. He explains how to build good habits and dismantle bad ones. One of his key ideas is “habit stacking”: connecting a new behavior to an existing habit so the new habit becomes easier to maintain.

This post marks six months since I began the Recovery52 photography project—halfway through the intended 52 weekly reflections. I initially felt confused about the milestone because I recognized my six months of abstinence a couple of weeks ago. Then I remembered, I started this project after my last binge, once I had stabilized from withdrawal and could think clearly enough to form an intention and outline a plan. What surfaced this week was a familiar danger zone from several past relapses, something I call “habit slipping.”

As I caught up on my daily planning and journaling yesterday, I noticed I had missed a couple of days. I’d missed a few morning meditation sessions. I skipped one of my scheduled gym days. And I had allowed some cheat meals to slip in—comfort foods chosen over healthier options. I can justify these slips: flexibility with my time, understandable interruptions, being of service to others, allowing myself a little grace. I know I can recover from these slips without losing ground in sobriety.

But looking back over past relapses, letting good routines slide for more than a few days left me anxious, guilty, unfocused, and vulnerable. When “habit slipping” combined with what I call “trigger stacking” (which I’ll write about next week), the result was too often a fall back into drinking. Not this time.

I am aware of the slips, forgiving of myself where appropriate, and firmly back on my habit track. James Clear writes well about this process in his “Get Back on Track” guidance. The reminder is simple and empowering: missing once is an error; missing twice is the start of a new (unwanted) pattern.

I also rely on another powerful tool: remembering the fear and pain of relapse. When anxiety builds from slipped habits or stacked frustrations, recalling my most recent relapses is grounding. I never want to experience that suffering—or cause it to others—ever again. I don’t stay in that fear long; it’s only a reminder that moves me quickly back toward gratitude for how far I’ve come and how healthy my life is now.

Recovery52 – Week 25 – Feeling My Feelings

“We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

— Brené Brown

Unapologetically, I find myself circling the edges of fear again—resistant to diving straight into the deep. Last week I wrote about exploring the fears that hold me back: fears of hurting myself or others, of being hurt by others, and the very human fear of uncertainty. These fears were shaped over a lifetime, living both in the mind and the body. But this topic requires honesty and vulnerability, and I don’t feel ready to reveal more without additional contemplation and conversations with people I trust.

So this week, I’m letting myself lean into pride and gratitude for my sobriety. This has been a good week. I spent meaningful time with others and was able to be of service. I had creative time with photography and contemplative time through journaling, planning, and mindfulness. My meditation practice continues. I’ve rested, exercised, and slept well. I am grateful for my physical health and mental clarity. I am sober.

Of course, I’ve still had moments of moodiness and irritation—everyday annoyances like traffic, discovering sour milk just when I wanted breakfast, dropping my phone irretrievably between the seat and console while driving, or finding my parking space taken by a “jerk.” I felt myself slipping into old patterns of rumination and worry, but I recognized my state quickly and returned to the present.

In perspective, I am very fortunate. My struggles are real but manageable. Others in my life are carrying far heavier burdens—a family member in poor health, a close friend going through treatment for a serious medical condition. And although I see the daily headlines designed to agitate and divide, I try not to dwell on them.

I’ve also been reacting to the “toxic positivity” that seems to dominate quotes, memes, and recovery groups online. I’ll mention “The Law of Attraction” specifically, as its premises feel dubious at best and potentially harmful. Life and recovery are hard and cannot be reduced to forced cheerfulness. Both positive and negative emotions must be acknowledged, validated, and felt.

A quote from a SMART Recovery meeting stays with me: “You have to feel your feelings.” Paired with the Brené Brown quote above, this idea is central for me right now. I used to drink to avoid emotional pain. In doing so, I also numbed joy, connection, opportunity, and meaning. Alcohol froze me; fear kept me from thawing.

My sobriety continues. My recovery work moves forward. And my gratitude grows—for loved ones, family, friends, and the broader recovery communities who walk beside me.

Recovery52 – Week 23 – Anticipation, Awareness, and Achievement

“It’s not the destination, it's the journey.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m a little late with this week’s post because I spent four days on a road trip with a close friend. The first two days were spent enjoying the scenery, stopping for photos, and sharing good memories. The last two days were the real work: loading a moving truck, driving twelve hours with frequent stops, then unloading everything at the end. Knowing the purpose of the trip would be stressful, we planned a slower start so we could savor the journey before the hard labor began.

The details aren’t necessary here, but the mission was a success. Everything in the California storage unit fit into the U-Haul, we avoided breakdowns and injuries, made it back to Portland on schedule, and we captured some great images from the Northern California Redwoods and coastline.

What matters for my recovery is this: I anticipated the stress of the trip. The kind of stress that, in the past, would have given me an easy excuse to numb myself. Long days on the road, loading and unloading heavy boxes, navigating traffic, worrying about schedules, imagining worst-case scenarios—any of these would have triggered old patterns. And yes, I felt stress. But I managed it.

I recognized when my thoughts were spinning, and that awareness gave me a pause—a space to return to the present moment. I noticed when my friend was stressed and did what I could to offer calm and reassurance. I showed up as the grounded version of myself.

The most important moment came during the final drive through Portland rush-hour traffic in a laden and large moving truck. A thought surfaced: in the past, a string of stressful days would have heightened my desire to drink. And even the successful completion of a difficult project would have sparked the belief that I “deserved” a reward—usually alcohol. Maybe there was the faintest glimmer of that old reflex, but I caught it quickly. I felt pride in my clarity and strength. I was solid.

My takeaways: anticipate the journey, stay aware during it, and take sober pride in its completion. And I’m grateful for the new friends who helped load and unload the truck—we couldn’t have done it alone.

Recovery52 – Week 19 – Gratitude for Mindfulness

“Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation.”
— John Ortberg

In Post #07, I wrote about the pride I felt in noticing difficult moments throughout the day and defusing each one before frustration could accumulate and push me toward escape. This week returns to those themes of mindfulness and self-awareness. I’ve been practicing the habit of paying attention to my feelings and maintaining a rational perspective.

A few days ago, I slipped into a “low mood,” one that lingered. I realized it would be wise to pause and ask why. Through conversations with friends and family, sharing frustrations, and then sitting quietly with my thoughts, I recognized a set of overlapping triggers:

• A close friend is facing the demands and concerns of a cancer diagnosis.
• My recent knee injury continues to limit my movement and connection with others.
• Sleep has been difficult — knee pain and general worries keeping me restless and tired.
• I’ve been immersed too often in negative news and messages on social media.
• While researching recovery quotes for these posts, I’m seeing the same recycled ideas, leaving me bored and cynical.

I won’t list every solution, but the simple act of identifying the problems dispelled the thickening cloud of angst and made each concern feel manageable.

In the past, I would have let these unexamined thoughts simmer, adding irritations to the pot until the “recipe for relapse” reached a boil. Then I’d “douse the stove fire” with alcohol, only to face the mess afterward. Not now. I am grateful for the strengthening practice of mindfulness — addressing things as they arise or when I notice a sense of unease that deserves attention.

A few points remain essential in my recovery:

• Any time I think of drinking again, even briefly, I recall clearly the pain of relapse and the harm it caused to myself and others.
• Sharing openly with family, friends, therapists, and online connections — and staying receptive to feedback.
• Journaling, which helps me follow a train of thought and gives me something to revisit as I continue working through challenges.
• Quiet contemplation: no background noise, no distractions, no TV, no music, no surrounding “must-dos.” Best of all is a walk or sit in nature, fully present with myself.

Mindfulness gives me the Viktor Frankl “space” between reaction and response. I am deeply grateful for the power that practice brings to my recovery and my life.

Recovery52 – Week 16 – Being Thankful

“There’s not a drug on earth that can make life meaningful.”
— Unknown

This is not my first time attempting recovery from alcohol abuse. In the past, I tried to do it alone and only managed short periods of abstinence. Later, with outside support, I found recovery groups that gave me tools and connection, and I experienced longer stretches of sobriety. But eventually, the relapses returned — usually because I wanted to numb rather than feel the “pain” I believed my life was causing me.

What’s different this time is that I am being mindful in how I respond to daily stressors. I recognize when old triggers are present. I pause. I give myself the time to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. When a thought of drinking rises — whether to numb discomfort or amplify pleasure — I ask myself, “How would this serve me?”

I have firmly set my answer: “It won’t.” I remember the damage alcohol has caused to myself and to others. I move on from the urge, feeling a sense of pride for choosing well in the moment, and building confidence each time I defuse a potential stumble.

Recently, I joined a handful of Facebook recovery groups where I’ve shared my photography project blog and occasional reflections. As I read through these groups, I realize how fortunate I am right now. Many people are just beginning their recovery work. Others lack support or tools. Too many are struggling with severe health issues, broken relationships, and overwhelming life challenges.

My own frustrations feel small by comparison. I feel deep gratitude toward the people who post their stories, express their vulnerability, and ask for help. Their honesty reminds me of the path I walk — and how much harder it could be. I am thankful to all who are suffering and all who are sharing the journey.

Recovery52 – Week 15 – Happy Birthday to Me

“Recovery is not simple abstinence. It’s about healing the brain, remembering how to feel, learning how to make good decisions, becoming the kind of person who can engage in healthy relationships, cultivating the willingness to accept help from others, daring to be honest, and opening up to doing.”
— Debra Jay

This week felt like a genuine success — even a reason to celebrate. Tuesday was my 65th birthday, a milestone for many people, and my first truly sober birthday in four years. I fully enjoyed the clarity and steadiness that recovery has given me. For the first time in years, I woke the next morning without a hangover, without shame, without regret. I felt grounded, clear, and hopeful about what lies ahead on this journey.

Not being alone made all the difference. In past years I tended to go silent — something I’ll explore in a later post — but this year was different. I received warm birthday messages on social media, shared a morning hike with a Meetup group, had good conversations with family and friends, and enjoyed a wonderful afternoon and dinner with one of my closest friends. The whole day felt genuinely uplifting, and not once did I feel tempted to drink.

As the day approached, I felt a little apprehension, remembering past birthdays lost to alcohol. I wasn’t worried about relapse, but I was mindful of the old triggers that live in my memory. One question lingered in my mind: how would I feel the next day, when the celebration was over? Would there be a sense of letdown? The morning after, I was relieved — I felt good, stable, and ready for another year of sober life. I even had a therapy session to share my success, and a carpet cleaning scheduled to make my home feel fresh.

Looking back, the values that made this birthday meaningful were clear: my mindfulness and strength in recovery, the support of family and friends, genuine connection with others, and a sense of optimism about the life ahead.

Recovery52 – Week 14 – Some Valuable YouTube Resources

“It is not from ourselves that we learn to be better than we are.”
— Wendell Berry

Another week moving forward in alcohol abstinence, another week appreciating my sobriety. I am feeling much more confident in this period of recovery — heck, even pride! But I also admit that thoughts of past relapses and withdrawals still bring memories of pain and shame, deserving a cautious observance of my current state in recovery.

When the painful memories recede, when the possibility of casual drinking crosses my mind — no matter how briefly or how quickly dismissed — I know that I have resources I can turn to for support in staying the sober course. My current practices and habits are working, but sometimes I need to reach beyond the here and now, outside myself, for recovery support.

For this week, I want to share a few of my most valuable media resources I turn to when needed for both comfort and strength in my recovery. These do not take precedence over the compassion offered by family and friends, but they are valuable tools for my journey. Below are four primary YouTube sources that are always available when I feel the need for encouragement or clarity:

• Kevin O’Hara — Habits Unplugged V2
Kevin O’Hara, a man with lived experience in alcoholism and recovery, has been producing YouTube content for over ten years. He writes books and offers a recovery program called HabitsV2. I appreciate his grounded, nature-walk style while discussing tools for abstinence. His methods align well with my SMART Recovery background and CBT principles.

• Emma McAdam — Therapy in a Nutshell
Emma McAdam, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, is known for her clear, calm mental health guidance. She covers subjects such as anxiety, depression, trauma, and family dynamics — many of which intersect with my own recovery work. Her voice has been an anchor for me during difficult stretches.

• Amber Hollingsworth — Put the Shovel Down
Amber Hollingsworth, a Master Addiction Counselor, speaks to both people struggling with addiction and the families affected by it. Her insights have helped me better understand how my actions may have impacted others and have strengthened my compassion and accountability.

• Dr. Gabor Maté — assorted talks and interviews
Dr. Maté is a renowned Canadian physician whose work centers on childhood trauma and addiction. His book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts remains one of the most important works in helping me understand the deeper roots of my substance use and the healing required for long-term recovery.

Video gives me a sense of connection with these presenters, but I also download episodes for offline listening so they are accessible 24/7 — during drives, walks, or when the internet is unavailable.

These four are my core online resources, though countless other channels and videos exist for anyone walking a recovery path. I continue to explore what works for me and use those tools when needed.