"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." — Nelson Mandela
Day 185 AF. (6 months)
I am working on this week's recovery blog post on the Fourth of July. This is a major holiday for the nation, and many events and opportunities surround me. Invitations have been offered to attend parties and potlucks. But I have chosen to remain safely at home, to not be in situations or with groups where alcohol is being consumed by others. I have two honest thoughts here: one, would I be susceptible to the thought of "just a little, you can handle it now", or two, would I feel left out, deprived, in a mood? I've even avoided grocery shopping for this holiday weekend as I thought it best for me to avoid watching all the campers and partiers stocking up on "fun", again thinking of the above concerns.
After last week's successful completion of a stressful move and recognition of old triggers and habits not being at play, I came into this week contemplating the issue of trust. Primarily self-trust. My alcohol use history and relapses are long and also feel very recent, with about six months of uninterrupted sobriety. I must say I do not completely trust myself to stay abstinent in all situations yet. My past experience is riddled with "I can handle it"'s and "f*#@ it"'s that left me in relapse, some of them very painful, hurting myself and those close to me. I have felt shame for my behavior and questioned my integrity.
This lack of self-trust also makes it difficult for me to understand how other people in my life can trust me. I have made commitments and promises, feeling the strength gained from the love and forgiveness offered by others, and then just dropped the ball again, selfishly and often unthinkingly tripping into another binge. I have chosen the escape of alcohol from problematic emotions over my relationships and responsibilities. I have been offered forgiveness and support by family, friends, and loved ones. I've offered sincere apologies and promising words but did not seem to truly care. In this, I have injured many relationships.
Trust. How can I expect it in myself? How can I expect it from others? With more contemplation, I have the realization that I don't trust others. This runs deep with me, from childhood traumatic experiences, and giving more weight to negative life experiences than positive ones during much of my life. This is the normal human psychology of "negativity bias", a survival trait that protects us from harm but can, in the extreme, lock us into a life lived in fear.
Fear. Here I realize that fear is the underlying basis of my trust issues. I am afraid of hurting myself. I am afraid of hurting others. I am afraid of being hurt by others. I am afraid of feeling pain and of causing pain, both physical and emotional. In the past, I have chosen to avoid "unknown" pains and instead allowed the familiarity of "known" pains to continue. The physical pain involving hangovers, possible liver damage, and the potential risk to the safety of others. The emotional pain involving regrets and resentments and worries that hold me back and prevent others from getting close to me.
Tamping down these fears with alcohol is no solution to my problems and fears. The hard work for me now is to work with these fears, to understand them, to analyze them, to put them in perspective, and to move beyond them. I don't believe, and I may be wrong here, that deep analysis of each traumatic event in my past must be re-lived in order to move forward. I believe that by using my "pause points", becoming aware when fear may be underlying physical and emotional reactions to people, situations, and things, I can understand and address my fears moving forward.
This is a very broad topic and I will be doing some readings and research in the area of fear, relating my own experience and memories in future posts. I have successfully achieved six months of sobriety this time with the help of a therapist and will bring this topic to my counseling sessions for understanding and guidance. I think the effort will be difficult, and hopefully, the healing will be worth it.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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