"You can always find a distraction if you're looking for one." - Tom Kite
Day 108. Another week moving forward in alcohol abstinence, another week appreciating my sobriety.
But also a somber week. I've paused a possible long-term partnership with a beautiful, kind and loving woman, partly because I don't feel strong and certain in my sobriety. And partly for the unanswered questions below.
I don't yet trust myself in sobriety, and I don't understand how I can be trusted by those I've harmed with my relapses. When will I trust myself, how will I know?
Am I letting unresolved fears and experiences from the past keep me always guarded from hurt, and trying not to hurt others?
Evaluating where I am on my recovery journey, am I capable and available for a long-term relationship?
In answer to the first question during a counseling session, I realized that I am feeling strong in my recovery, combining a variety of tools and techniques into an ongoing practice of sobriety. See Post 08 about my healthy grounding habits.
The success and strength I am feeling in my recovery are solid, but my lack of self trust still exists because I find myself continuing to engage in other long-term problematic behaviors that provide distraction, numbing, and/or excitement ... ways of avoiding the effort of living a purposeful life. These "addictive" behaviors also bring feelings of shame, then leading to dishonesty with myself and others. For example, the following points briefly describe three recent incidents of long-term addictive behaviors:
I seldom watch television shows, but recently found myself scrolling through Netflix for something in the action genre to watch, thinking I was bored and a safe activity was a good choice. I found a series called "Night Agent", the synopsis sounded good, so I watched the first episode. I liked it. Then I proceeded to the next episode. And the next. At the end of a long afternoon I had binge-watched the complete season.
I used to enjoy video games, especially first person shooter and adventure games. I admit to still enjoying some play time with older classics. Like the TV bingeing above, I recently sat down on a day I was feeling a bit down, and escaped into five hours of engaging, but unfullfilling gameplay.
I like technology and gadgets, whether it be with photography gear or "all things" computer. For years I have found myself diving into a "shopping" trance, thinking I needed a new thing because the old thing wasn't good enough. Recently, I bought a new tablet computer, enjoying the online "hunt" of reading reviews, watching YouTube videos, and searching for the lowest online price with the fastest delivery time. This "hunt" provided lot's of dopamine hits. But after the unnecessary purchase, the shopping "high" was gone, and the shame I felt led me to conceal my activity from friends and family.
The awareness I am coming to with these recent experiences is that my practice of sobriety is strong, but my lack of attention to other problematic behaviors leaves me feeling less than capable and not trustworthy. I am likely engaging in these other distracting and "addictive" behaviors for the same reasons that led me to drink - fear, boredom, and loneliness.
So, I have decided to begin addressing these other problematic behaviors with the same practices that support my sobriety. Not all at once, but to pay attention to the most "costly" one in terms of time and money, and when the desire to engage arises, to mindfully pause and ask myself, "How does this serve me?" At this point I can practice self-analysis, understand my motivations, and make better decisions, hopefully.
Next time, a report on my effort and success in this area, and to address my fears of the future and uncertainty.
Staying strong!
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[The images displayed here are my own captures and edits, reflecting my thoughts of journeying toward the unknown, never sure what I will encounter around the bend, accepting whatever comes.]