Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.
- James Thurber
Day 206 AF.
In last week's post, I had written about the idea of "habit-slipping" being a potential factor in relapsing. I had recognized that letting my healthy routines and behaviors begin to slide would lead me to feel out of sorts emotionally, with anxiety beginning to rise. With awareness, I realized that my past relapses had been preceded by my "habit slipping" in combination with another problem I recognized, what I'll call "trigger stacking". The term “trigger stacking” came to my mind last week, but I found with a web search that it has been used to describe how dogs respond to mounting stresses. I think it applies to human psychology, as well.
A definition of "trigger" with regard to recovery is useful here, and the linked site does a good job of understanding them and coping with them.
"For people with past substance use disorder, triggers can be any internal or external stimulus that intensely and often uncontrollably reminds them of using drugs or alcohol."
In my current state of recovery, I don't feel any desire to use or drink, in fact, my fear of relapse and the memories of past relapses, help keep me grounded. But I am aware of things in my daily experience that used to feel like a trigger, a "reason" to drink, to find an escape from problematic emotions, to numb negative feelings, or to enhance positive feelings. As I've written in prior posts, the practice of "mindfulness" has been key in seeing triggers as they arise, recognizing the trigger and the past associations, and then letting the trigger fade. Awareness of the present and what is affecting me now, recognizing what I can control, and choosing my response to the "here and now", is a constant practice and a gift.
Now back to my point of "trigger stacking". In past relapses, I know that I would feel triggers as they occurred, but pushed the feelings away, not bothering to process each one, letting a series of triggers stack up, not defusing the building pressure, being in a state of anxiety and unfocused anger, and reaching a point of dangerous release. Perhaps just a series of "triggers" would have been manageable and I could have avoided relapsing. But I know that a combination of "habit slipping" and "trigger stacking" was happening in the lead-up to my most recent relapses.
So, to mindfully beat a dead mindful horse, I know from the effort and success in my current and lasting recovery, that the practice of mindful awareness of my thoughts and feelings in the moment, whether positive or negative, is necessary. Additionally, not being mired in regrets of a past I can not change, or worries about a future I can only influence, helps me stay with the present, to be present. To be here and now.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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