“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” ~ Buddha
Day 278 AF.
I am a couple of days late with this weekly blog post, missing my self-imposed deadline of posting by the end of Thursday each week. But, I am OK with letting this slide, giving myself permission to miss the goal, having instead enjoyed a road trip through parts of central Washington state. I traveled with a good friend through parts of the "Cascade Loop" and drove along many miles of state and rural roads, capturing images and enjoying the adventure. A journey well worth a missed target date!
Now, to the point of this post. It has been seeming to me and also pointed out by my friend, that my more recent blog posts have been rather "safe", not addressing subjects with any depth about my alcohol use and recovery. Topics of practicing mindfulness and healthy habits, feeling passion for my photography, staying successfully sober with no real urges, and feeling solid in recovery are all well and good.
But, there are deeper and darker topics in my past that I do not delve into deeply. Topics that stir feelings of shame, guilt, resentment, or anger. Topics that may be upsetting to me. Topics that if raised may upset others, perhaps even in my being ostracized. There are past traumas that I won't detail here yet but should be discussed with my therapist and trusted family and friends as appropriate.
I have rejected the idea of being completely open about my thoughts and feelings to the world, to the people that matter in my life, and to fellow travelers in the recovery community. I've resisted stirring up feelings and memories laid down long ago, believing that the past cannot be changed so why dwell on it? But I also recognize I am conditioned and constrained in my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors by my experienced past.
So, I am thinking of focusing my journaling on the critical events and experiences that have been problematic in my life, that led me to choose escape, that limit my living fully now. Then to find resolution as needed through self-reflection, self-awareness, and conversations with my therapist and those close and relevant in my life.
This is a path that will demand vulnerability, honesty, and bravery. A path that I must brave, hopefully, and thankfully with the support of others, but ultimately mine to travel.
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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