“Character isn't inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear, hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains.
Helen Gahagan Douglas
Day 283 AF.
Last week, I wrote about the need to go deeper, to push harder in my recovery. I am confident and comfortable in my sobriety with the practice of healthy habits and abstinence. But, I know that I continue to react to events around me with beliefs and feelings in the same old patterns. These beliefs and feelings were formed long ago by my life experiences and often led to reactions and maladaptive behaviors that were not healthy or helpful. The picture for this week is a metaphor for my windows to the world.
Many of my recent weekly posts have been soft and safe, but not openly honest. I will admit to holding back thoughts if I think others may take offense or have feelings hurt. In discussions with my therapist and friends, and in my own contemplation, I know that my recovery will remain stalled if I don't work more seriously on my issues. Thinking back to my initial intent for this blog and photography project, it was primarily for my recovery. I told myself that if no one else ever read these posts, I was helping myself. I also hoped that it would perhaps be of service to others in recovery, and I believe it has.
But now is the time to continue my healing efforts. I am going to do this with a tool I learned in SMART Recovery. A working tool called "ABC", based on cognitive behavioral therapy, is a tool to help to examine feelings and beliefs behind problematic situations and to choose healthier responses and beliefs. It is useful for examining urges to use and for emotional upset. My intent will be to address situations that stir old trauma and upset in order to move forward in a healthy way. Here goes:
(SMART Recovery ABC)
Activating Event - I went out this morning to enjoy a walk in nature and capture the beauty of autumn colors. I started at a well-known arboretum and began walking the forest trails. As I passed a museum at a famous forestry center, I saw very serious and very recent and very expensive damage, with multiple windows shattered and now boarded with plywood. I asked some nearby transit workers what had happened and how recently, as I had seen nothing in the local news coverage. They told me it was caused by climate activists recently protesting forest policy. I became angry at the perpetrators!
Belief - I despise vandalism and malicious destruction, wanting those responsible to suffer. I admit I lean toward retributive justice for the worst crimes.
Consequence - I proudly recognized this would not drive me to drink, as it may have in the past. But, I was angry and held the anger for much of my day.
Dispute - Here I am supposed to question my belief as to whether it is true or not. I am still working on this step, knowing modification is wise but I'm not ready to abandon it completely. I am currently reflecting on my past experience to understand the source of my feelings on this issue, but more work is needed here.
Effective New Belief - Rather than let my day be darkened with anger over a situation out of my control, I need to recognize and accept the anger as part of my being, but then let the anger be released with mindful breathing and other diffusing techniques.
This was a specific example from a situation that I encountered today. I will be continuing this format of working with my beliefs and inner wounds, so as to move forward into healthy recovery. I understand that I may stir feelings with my attempt at openness and honesty, and I will strive to be kind. But continuing to repress my feelings for fear of hurting others is dishonest and healthy for no one. It is time to break the chains!
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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