“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” — Brené Brown
"Lying is done with words and also with silence." - Adrienne Rich
Day 216 AF.
I apologize for being a couple of days late with this week's post. My photo project has had a self-imposed deadline of being out each Thursday, primarily for accountability to myself. I know from experience that without a target, without a goal, it is too easy to let things slide. I am late for a couple of reasons: one was taking a couple of days for a rejuvenating camping trip, and two I was having a difficult time focusing on a topic that I felt comfortable encapsulating with clarity in a single post.
In prior posts, I have written about being more open to help from others, including loved ones and a great therapist, increasing my self-awareness, learning to practice mindfulness, and maintaining habits that support my sobriety. All very well, but not good enough to confidently state I am in true recovery. There is still much work to do, requiring open-mindedness, bravery, honesty, and vulnerability.
The opening quotes above speak to my current frame of mind and the two areas that need real attention. I still find ways to numb myself when I don't want to think about problems: reading for pleasure, watching a movie, taking my camera out in nature, doing chores, and even taking a nap. I have no cravings for alcohol, but I don't always stop to ask if I am using my time wisely, and realize after my "numbing" activities that I am avoiding necessary efforts in moving forward. Worse yet, is my evasive nature in being truthful, with both myself and others. When difficult thoughts arise or difficult conversations are required, I still hesitate to engage. Fearful of hurting the feelings of others and of being vulnerable to harm puts me into flight or freeze mode, not being one to fight.
These behaviors of avoidance and evasiveness are deeply ingrained and are going to demand serious attention as I move forward. So, in my next posts, I will focus on my limiting beliefs, the fears, and the old programmed behaviors and thoughts of self-protection and self-doubt that continue to hold me in place. I am proud of my recovery efforts and achievements to this point (216 days!) but I know there is still work to be done.
(* Relapse is not an option! *)
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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