“We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
— Brené Brown
I’m a couple of days late with this week’s post. My Recovery52 schedule—publishing every Thursday—has become a quiet form of accountability. Without goals, I drift; without structure, I slip. The delay came partly from a needed camping trip, and partly from wrestling with a topic too big to fit neatly into a single week’s reflection.
In previous entries, I’ve written about accepting help, working with my therapist, and developing mindfulness habits that support sobriety. Those efforts remain solid, but they’re not the whole story. True recovery, I’m learning, asks for more than abstinence and awareness. It requires honesty, courage, and a willingness to be seen.
The quote above captures where I am right now. I may no longer reach for alcohol to numb discomfort, but I still find ways to go half-numb—through reading, film, chores, photography, even naps. None of these are harmful on their own; the problem comes when they become quiet escapes from self-reflection or necessary action. Awareness is one thing; avoidance dressed as productivity is another.
The second challenge is evasiveness—hesitation to speak difficult truths, especially when I fear they might upset or expose me. Old fears of rejection, conflict, and vulnerability still whisper: Don’t make waves. So I smooth things over, change the subject, or retreat behind silence. Those habits once protected me; now they confine me.
“Lying is done with words and also with silence.”
— Adrienne Rich
Avoidance and evasiveness are deeply rooted patterns, and unlearning them will require sustained attention.
In the coming weeks, I plan to explore the limiting beliefs and self-protective reflexes that hold me back. I’m proud of how far I’ve come—216 days sober—but I know there’s deeper work ahead. Relapse is not an option.
Riffs: Courage, Resilienc