“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” — Brené Brown
Day 192 AF.
Unapologetically, I am again circling the drain of fear, resistant to dive into the deep. I wrote last week that I would be considering the fears that hold me back. Fears of hurting myself and others, fear of being hurt by others, and not uncommonly, fears of uncertainty. Fears long in the making, dwelling both in the mind and the body. But, the topic demands more work on my part, requiring honesty and vulnerability, and I don't feel ready to begin the reveal without more contemplation and discussion with persons I trust.
I think this week I'm just going to ride with my pride and gratitude in sobriety, being positive about my recovery journey. This has been a good week. I have enjoyed time with others and have been of service to others. I have had my creative time with my photography and my contemplative time, consisting of planning, journaling, and mindfulness; my meditative time, my relaxation time, my exercise time, and my sleep have been good. I am grateful for my physical health and mental clarity. I am sober!
Alternatively, I have had periods of moodiness and irritation with life's typical problems: Traffic problems, finding my milk had gone sour when I was really in the mood for Raisin Bran, dropping my phone in the car irretrievably between my seat and console, and having my apartment parking space taken by a "jerk". I have found myself sinking into the typical habits of rumination and worry, fortunately recognizing my state and coming back to here and now.
But when I put my life and situation in perspective, I am very fortunate. I know others struggle much more than I do in recovery. I have a family member suffering in poor health and a close friend living through treatment for a serious medical condition. I see, but don't dwell on the daily headlines meant to agitate and polarize us.
I have also found myself bristling at the abundance of "toxic positivity" I see in quotes and memes across social media and online recovery groups. I'll specifically mention "The Law of Attraction" as being dubious, if not even harmful to some. I bristle because recovery and life are hard, and involve both negative and positive thoughts and feelings that must be dealt with.
A quote I remember from a Smart Recovery group meeting was, "You have to feel your feelings". This thought along with the above Brene Brown quote is the point I want to keep in mind this week, and may help me as I examine my unresolved and unrealistic fears. I used to drink to not feel emotional pain and, sadly, I realize that I also missed out on so many pleasures and opportunities by being numb. Numb from alcohol and frozen by fear.
So, my sobriety continues, my work of recovery moves forward, and my gratitude for the support in my journey from loved ones, friends, my counselor, and others in the recovery communities grows. Thanks to all!
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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