“Apologies aren't meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future.”
— Kevin Hancock, Not For Sale: Finding Center in the Land of Crazy Horse
Day 353 AF.
In the early days of this photography project and this effort to succeed in recovery, I was discussing some of my early emotional and physical traumas with a close friend, as partly revealed in prior posts, relating them to my issues with alcohol use and other forms of numbing, including procrastination and dissociation. I told him the vow I had made to myself even as a child, that I would never hit a woman or harm a child. He made a statement that struck me as a point of pride.
"You broke the cycle, you didn't repeat the pattern."
Yeah, I will enjoy satisfaction and self-praise for keeping that vow.
But, I know that my adverse childhood experiences and this commitment to not harm others caused the pendulum to swing too far to the other side. By trying to protect the feelings of others I was not being honest when necessary. By avoiding the stress of uncomfortable emotions within myself, by stuffing my feelings and not being emotionally present, I was harming the people in my life, and my relationships with them.
My emotional immaturity, my repeated choice to run and hide from hard and honest feelings, has impacted my ability to be a fully present and capable father, lover, and friend. My worldview has been negative and cynical and has put off those close to me and shut the door on many opportunities and from even seeing possibilities.
So, here I am, thinking it is time for real apologies to anyone and everyone I have ever made to suffer because of my behaviors. I apologize for missed commitments, rash and poor decisions, and not showing up when needed. I am sorry for not being successful at sobriety in the past, and for not doing the deep and honest work of self-awareness and commitment to change for the better. My apologies are offered here to anyone affected by my addiction. (For those doing recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous, this is similar to Step Five.)
But those closest and most affected in my life deserve a more sincere in-person apology. My next focus will be to approach the people I care about and who care about me and offer that honest and heartfelt apology. No, these apologies won't change the past, but I can hope for a better future. I don't expect forgiveness from others, but I am learning to forgive myself.
I started this post by recognizing and accepting praise for breaking generational abuse. I am ending this post with more self-praise, with praise for moving forward in recovery, breaking the cycle, and not repeating the patterns of lapse and relapse. In less than two weeks I will have a year of not only sobriety but real and life-changing recovery. I vow to continue with my recovery!
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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