“My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last.” — Anonymous
At the end of last week, I thought I might write about the routines that keep me grounded, but as this week unfolded, my reflections returned to something deeper: the seriousness of my commitment to recovery and why it matters.
This is not my first attempt at recovery from alcohol misuse — but I want this one to be lasting. I often turned to alcohol as a numbing agent when facing pain and anxiety, or as a celebratory indulgence when chasing excitement. Sometimes both urges collided — running from pain while chasing pleasure. The result was always the same: temporary escape, deeper regret, and greater loss.
The pain I tried to bury never went away. The pleasures I chased were illusions, and in pursuing them, I hurt the relationships that mattered most. Broken trust became the echo of every relapse.
Now I want to go deeper in understanding my lapses. I know there is early childhood trauma. My lifelong patterns of avoidance, dishonesty, and self-protection have roots there — shaped by fear of rejection and fear of commitment. I wrestle with depression and wonder whether other mental health factors may also play a role. Am I ready for this deep dive? I believe so. I’m committed to counseling with a therapist I trust, and this phase of recovery — addressing root causes — will show up in future posts.
My commitment to abstinence is serious. I’m intentional about protecting my recovery by keeping distance from situations or people that could endanger it. My days begin with intention and end with reflection: the first line in my planner reads, “Sobriety / Well-Being,” and I close each journal entry with, “A safe and sober day.” Between those two lines lies the practice of mindful living — creative pursuits, structured routines, and deliberate self-care.
This isn’t selfishness — it’s self-preservation. Recovery grows when self-care becomes daily practice.