Recovery52 – Week 51 – IntentRecovery52 – Week 51 – Intent

“Always stay humble and kind.”

— Tim McGraw

In the fall of 2022, I experienced a series of relapses with alcohol. In mid-December, a close friend shared an observation that hit me hard: I had no plan and no goals. She asked what I wanted in life. I had no answer—no rebuttal, no excuses. Her question left me shaken, but at the time I wasn’t ready to face it or do the deeper work required.

I stumbled again just before the end of the year—a hard lapse, a blackout binge. On January 1st of 2023, I woke up miserable, hungover, ashamed, and exhausted by the pattern I kept repeating. That relapse didn’t help me answer what I wanted in life. Instead, as I sobered up, a much clearer question surfaced: “What do I not want in life?”

The answer was immediate: I didn’t want to continue being who I had been. I didn’t want a life drained by drinking. I didn’t want to keep hurting myself and others. I didn’t want to keep wasting time, energy, or meaning. Something had to end—and something had to begin.

I’ve had stretches of sobriety before, some longer than a year, but those were stretches of abstinence, not recovery. Removing alcohol brought short-term improvement, yes, but I didn’t engage deeply with self-awareness. I didn’t examine the roots of my drinking. I didn’t explore my adverse childhood experiences or challenge the longstanding fears and beliefs connected to them. I was simply the same old me—just without the alcohol.

Throughout this project, I’ve written about developing healthy routines—mindfulness, journaling, movement—and about finding motivation not just to stay sober but to truly recover. I no longer want numbness. I no longer want escape. I no longer want the false comfort alcohol once provided. I’ve moved beyond cravings and urges. I’ve made changes in thinking and behavior that give me pride, confidence, and excitement about the path ahead.

There are four key differences in this recovery effort:

·       The questions asked by my friend—“Who do I want to be? What do I want to become?”—became foundational. I want to grow into someone humble and kind.

·       This time, I made my commitment to recovery known. I’ve been open with others instead of attempting sobriety in silence. Making the promise public keeps me accountable and highlights the importance of relationships.

·       I worked consistently with a therapist for several months and was fully honest throughout the process.

·       This photography project has kept me committed week after week. Accountability, creative expression, self-analysis, learning, and reflection have supported my recovery in ways I could not have predicted.

I’m not “recovered.” I still slip into negative thinking. I still procrastinate or distract myself when I don’t want to face responsibilities. I still struggle with trust—trust in myself and trust in others. I know there is more work ahead. But this time, I truly believe I can stay the course. I can grow forward. I can live with intent—being humble and kind.

(Next week will be the final post of this project. I may continue to write occasionally, but I will also shift attention toward a new photography project not centered on recovery.)

Recovery52 – Week 50 – One Year Sober

Recovery52 – Week 50 – One Year Sober

“Recovery is not simple abstinence. It’s about healing the brain, remembering how to feel, learning how to make good decisions, becoming the kind of person who can engage in healthy relationships, cultivating the willingness to accept help from others, daring to be honest, and opening up to doing.”

— Debra Jay

It is now just over one year into my current recovery effort. New Year’s Day 2023 has passed, and I moved through the holiday season with clear awareness and no hangovers, no memory loss, and no shame—the consequences that once defined my past drinking years. I recognized the familiar people, places, and situations that once triggered escape or celebration, and this year I stayed grounded in sobriety. Crowded spaces, heavy traffic, holiday consumption, noisy media, and polarized voices swirled around me, yet I remained centered.

Another difference this year was being fully present with loved ones and friends. I enjoyed Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve with a great friend. I spent Christmas Day and New Year’s Day alone, yet not lonely. I filled those days with creative work, healthy routines, and mindful awareness. I felt no urge to drink—not for escape and not for celebration.

For accuracy: Day 365 fell on January 1st. This project continues for a couple of extra weeks because, during that first week of 2023, I was still moving through withdrawal symptoms—acknowledging the problem but not yet committed to a clear plan. It took another week before this photography project took shape, alongside seeking professional counseling. My first blog post was published on January 20th, and I will not let that milestone pass unrecognized.

In past attempts at “sobriety,” I’ve had stretches longer than a year. But those were based only on abstinence—white-knuckling through without understanding the roots of my drinking. I made small adjustments but never did the deeper work of self-awareness. Abstinence without true change left me standing at relapse’s door over and over.

This time is different.

The weekly commitment of this project has been a powerful motivator. With 49 weeks behind me, I have written openly about my history, discoveries, and struggles. Putting thoughts on the page has strengthened both my thinking and my writing. Photography has brought creative joy, fueling my excitement and drive. I’ve built healthy routines—mindfulness, journaling, and exercise—that support sobriety. I’ve benefited from a skilled therapist and have learned to be more open and honest with loved ones and concerned friends.

I also understand the value of negative motivation in maintaining recovery. Sometimes I “play the tape,” asking myself if I ever want to return to my old drinking days—slowly killing myself, harming relationships, destroying trust, and living without meaning. Even remembering the physical pain of hangovers and withdrawal helps me stay grounded and grateful for the life I am building today.

I am committed to this recovery. I am proud of this photography project. In these final two weeks, I will reflect on the full arc of this journey and discuss how I plan to continue both my recovery and my creative work through photography and other media.

Recovery52 – Week 49 – Trinkets, Tokens, & Talismans

“Your mind is your invisible talisman. The letters PMA (positive mental attitude) are emblazoned on one side, and NMA (negative mental attitude) on the other. These are powerful forces.”

— W. Clement Stone

I am approaching a full year of complete abstinence from alcohol—nearly twelve months not just of sobriety, but of genuine, intentional recovery. Christmas of 2023 has passed, and I’m proud to say I moved through the holiday season with clear eyes and a steady spirit. No urges, no cravings. Instead, I recognized the people, places, and situations that once would have triggered escape or celebration, and I knew—fully—that I was in control of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. So yes… yay for me.

This week’s reflection is about a small but meaningful part of my recovery: the growing collection of physical reminders that encourage me forward. Early in the year, during a counseling session, I shared with my therapist an idea sparked by an object I had found in a box from my past—something I had carved as a child with my first pocketknife. That simple piece of wood stirred memories of early creativity, long overshadowed by my years of substance use. With my therapist’s encouragement, I kept it visible on my desk during journaling and mindfulness practice.

Over time, I’ve gathered other objects that spark insight, symbolize lessons, or remind me of the journey I’m on. Here is my small collection—and the meaning each item holds:

·       Wood Carving: A reminder of my early creative spirit—proof that creativity is part of who I’ve always been.

·       A*Hole Gum: Picked up during an earlier recovery attempt as a joke; now a blunt reminder of truths I once avoided.

·       Toy Camera: A symbol of my current creative passion—to see, capture, and share the beauty in the world.

·       Dice: A reminder of life’s randomness. Some events we control, some we don’t—what matters is how we respond.

·       Coin: A symbol of choice. Every action is a decision. Even not choosing is a choice.

·       Chain Link: A broken, rusty link representing the chains of trauma and addiction that once bound me.

·       Rubber Band: A symbol of flexibility—staying open to possibility instead of remaining trapped in rigid thinking.

·       Lens Cleaner: A symbol of clarity—seeing the world, and myself, without the filters of fear or limiting beliefs.

·       Sucker: A reminder that simple pleasures are fine. A piece of candy is okay—but I will never again reach for the poison of alcohol.

In the photo associated with this post, the items are laid out clearly for the viewer. Normally, they sit together in a small container on the edge of my desk. When journaling or reflecting, I sometimes glance at them and feel old memories rising or new ideas forming. These items carry no spiritual or ritual meaning—they are simply objects. But for me, they are powerful reminders of sobriety, growth, and the choices I make daily.

Next week, I’ll move safely through New Year’s and reach the one-year mark of true, continuous recovery. I feel confident. I feel steady. And I look forward to writing that post.

Recovery52 – Week 47 – Fears and Trust

Seeking light on the storm.

“You are afraid of letting anyone get close.”

— My sister

This week’s quote isn’t from a book or a public figure. It came from my sister during a phone conversation: “You are afraid of letting anyone get close.” The moment she said it, I felt the truth of it. This is the issue I need to face more directly—one that underlies many of my fears, beliefs, and behaviors.

I’ve written in earlier posts about fear, limiting beliefs, distrust, and the patterns that shape how I relate to others. But this week clarified something essential: two core fears form the wall around me, protecting me from both real and imagined harm:

·       If I allow others to get close, they may hurt me. Therefore, others can’t be trusted.

·       If I get close to others, I may hurt them. Therefore, I can’t be trusted.

The first fear makes sense, given the traumatic experiences of my early childhood—events I’ve described in previous posts. Those moments shaped my negativity bias, my tendency to anticipate danger, and my ingrained distrust of others.

The second fear also makes sense. I can remember too many times when I disappointed people I cared about—holding back honesty, withdrawing emotionally, filtering my thoughts out of fear of rejection, abandonment, or triggering someone’s anger. In many ways, fear #2 loops right back into fear #1. Both reinforce each other.

And even now, part of me worries that I could stumble in my recovery. I’ve promised myself I won’t relapse again, but because I’ve failed before, a piece of me still questions whether I can fully trust that promise.

This is Week 47 of my 52-week commitment—over 90% of the way to my goal. If this were a quarter-mile race, I’d have about 130 feet left to run. I will cross the finish line. And then I will turn this sobriety race into a recovery marathon: steady, persistent, and forward-moving, mile after mile.

I’m deeply engaged in learning right now—recovery, psychology, CBT, critical thinking, attachment theory, neuroscience, Stoicism, Buddhism. Books, audiobooks, podcasts, videos, websites—each helping me make sense of my experiences. These insights support my recovery, but immersion can be exhausting without time to rest.

So I’m stopping here for today. Time for a nature walk with my camera. Time for quiet. Time to let my mind settle and reset before continuing this work.

Recovery52 – Week 39 – Trash Talking

“To leave the world better than you found it, sometimes you have to pick up other people’s trash.”

— Bill Nye

Last week, I wrote about the need to go deeper in my recovery. I’m confident and comfortable in my sobriety and in the healthy habits that support it. But I also know that I continue to react to events with old thought patterns—beliefs and emotional imprints formed long ago. These often lead to unhelpful or unhealthy reactions, what can fairly be called maladaptive behaviors.

This week, I’m using the SMART Recovery ABC tool, based in cognitive behavioral therapy, to examine and adjust my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It helps uncover the beliefs behind emotional reactions and guides healthier responses. This ABC activity is very useful as a post-mortem to examine past events, learn from them, and be prepared for future events.

Here is this week’s ABC example:

Activating Event: A few months ago, during a group hike near Portland, we came across a pile of garbage dumped along a rural road at the trailhead—the scene captured in the above photograph. I felt immediate anger, and that anger spoiled my walk that morning.

Belief: I despise purposeful littering and illegal dumping. I want those responsible to be held accountable—or at least receive a strong dose of karma.

Consequence: The anger I felt lingered. In the past, this kind of unresolved upset would add to a mental pile of frustrations that could eventually push me toward numbing behaviors. Not this time.

Dispute: Malicious behavior by a small number of people is rare. Harboring general anger at specific instances won’t solve the problem, nor will it help my emotional health.

Effective New Belief: I cannot control others. But I can control how I react. Rather than let anger poison my day, I can acknowledge it, accept it, diffuse it—and then pick up the trash, when possible, making the place better than I found it.

I can’t control others or the world, but I can control myself and my reactions. I can choose to make a positive difference.

Recovery52 – Week 38 – Boarded Up

From a recent activist’s party in Portland, OR.

“Character isn't inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains.”

— Helen Gahagan Douglas

Last week, I wrote about the need to go deeper in my recovery. I’m confident in my sobriety and in the healthy habits that support it, but I also know that I still react to life with old beliefs and emotional patterns formed long ago. Those patterns often lead to unhealthy, unhelpful reactions—maladaptive behaviors that no longer serve me. The photo I chose this week, with its boarded-up windows, is a metaphor for how I sometimes shut out the world.

Many of my recent posts have been soft and safe, avoiding deeper honesty. I often hold back thoughts if I worry someone may take offense or feel hurt. In conversations with my therapist and trusted friends, I’ve realized that my recovery will stall if I don’t work directly with my emotional “stuff.” This project began as a tool for my own healing, and I reminded myself that even if no one else ever read these posts, they would still matter. They still help me. And if they help others, that’s a bonus.

Now it’s time to continue my healing work. For that, I’m leaning into a tool I learned through SMART Recovery—an exercise based in cognitive behavioral therapy called the ABC model. It helps uncover the thoughts and beliefs behind emotional reactions and guides healthier responses.

Here is an example from today:

Activating Event: While walking in nature this morning, I visited a well-known arboretum and forestry center. I saw multiple windows shattered and boarded with plywood—serious, recent vandalism. Transit workers told me it was caused by climate activists protesting forest policy. I felt immediate anger.

Belief: I despise vandalism and destruction. My instinct is toward retributive justice—I want those responsible to face consequences.

Consequence: I recognized quickly that this anger would not push me toward drinking, as it once might have. But I still carried the anger with me for much of the day.

Dispute: This is where I’m meant to question whether my belief is true or helpful. I know it needs refinement, but I’m not ready to abandon it.

Effective New Belief: Much vandalism is out of my control. I can acknowledge my anger, accept it, and then release it through mindful breathing and grounding techniques rather than letting it poison the day.

This was just one example, but I plan to continue using the ABC model to work through deeper triggers, old wounds, and long-standing beliefs. Pushing these feelings down out of fear of upsetting others is dishonest—to them and to myself. It’s time to break the chains.

Recovery52 – Week 36 – Recipe for Recovery

“A joyful life is an individual creation that cannot be copied from a recipe.”

— Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

This has been a good week, with no internal challenges to my sobriety. I’ve been consistent with healthy routines—daily planning and journaling, meditation, and regular workouts at the gym for both mental and physical well-being. I’ve enjoyed beginning each morning with coffee and time spent creatively editing photographs.

Today, I improvised a chicken–vegetable–rice soup, enjoying the quiet of the kitchen and the anticipation of a warm, comforting meal.

I’ve listened to audio streams about recovery, addiction, and science, and even found enjoyment in YouTube videos about the history of my favorite video game franchises. I have a couple of books in progress that help me unwind before sleep. Yes, I allow myself moments of escape—intentional, healthy escape.

Of course, not everything is easy. Loved ones are facing illness and loss. I try to offer support and encouragement where I can. I continue to feel concern about finances and the future, but I’m addressing these areas steadily. I know that if I weren’t sober, I couldn’t be of service to myself or to anyone else.

The quote above resonates deeply with me: my life is mine to create, not to force into a prefabricated mold. Over the years, I’ve explored other recovery paths—AA, SMART Recovery, Dharma Recovery—and studied psychology and addiction to understand my own patterns. But no single program provided the final “one-size-fits-all” answer. Instead, each offered something useful.

What works for me now is a combination of ideas, tools, and insight—supported by the most essential ingredient: my intrinsic motivation to live a meaningful and joyful life. This, more than anything else, fuels my recovery.

Recovery52 – Week 35 – Passion Over Addiction

“Passion creates, addiction consumes.”

— Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts

This has been a good week for me, relatively speaking. At thirty-five weeks alcohol-free, having moved beyond routine urges and practicing healthier habits in both thought and behavior, I feel my sobriety is solid. But I also know—through hard experience—that sobriety is never guaranteed.

I’ve abstained before. I can recall three serious attempts at sobriety after drinking became a problem in my life, only to return to the false comfort of numbness or altered awareness. Those attempts were what I now think of as “white-knuckle recovery”—efforts held together by fear, willpower, and desperation, but without the deeper internal work needed to sustain change.

The difference this time is that I have changed. I’ve worked to understand myself through self-awareness, with support from loved ones and a good therapist. I’ve recognized how my old ways of thinking kept me on a path that was slowly destroying me. I’ve practiced mindfulness, learned to accept reality instead of hiding from it, and begun choosing wise responses instead of blind reactions.

Most importantly, I’m excited about sobriety this time—truly excited. And I feel passionate about creating—creating a better version of myself, creating more meaningful relationships, creating art with my photography, and creating my future. Creativity restores meaning to my life in ways alcohol never could.

Recovery52 – Week 34 – Gratitude for Today

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

— John F. Kennedy

Last week, I wrote that I must guard against the two thieves of my present moment: past regrets and future worries. Today became a living reminder of that truth.

Today, I walked a bridge—literally and metaphorically—moving from one shore to another, from yesterday into tomorrow, grounded in the present. Today.

Today, I climbed a mountain. Today, I sat beside a waterfall. Today, I moved through nature with awareness. Today, I traveled familiar roads and saw familiar places through fresh eyes. Today.

Today, I felt gratitude. Gratitude for nature’s beauty. Gratitude for my capacity to move, breathe, notice, and explore. Gratitude for the chance to strengthen body, mind, and spirit. Today.

Today, I felt grateful for my sobriety—grateful for my own determination, and grateful for every person in my circle who supports me. Today.

Today, I am sober. Today.

(For context: I hiked Saddle Mountain in Clatsop County, Oregon, and visited Fishhawk Falls. Much of the time on the trail was mindful and grounding. The drive was peaceful, with calming music. I ended the day with pizza—a small celebration of being fully alive and fully present.)

Recovery52 – Week 33 – Two Thieves

Past & Future

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves — regret for the past and fear of the future.”

— Fulton Oursler

With more than eight months in sobriety and thirty-three weeks into this photography project, I continue to find peace and clarity in daily life—peace and clarity I did not have when I was drinking, especially during periods of heavy use. After stumbling out of my last hard binge, carrying the painful memories of prior lapses, the knowledge of how I hurt others, and the growing realization that my life had lost meaning, I resolved to end that way of living.

With my own intention, and with the support of family, friends, and the wealth of resources available for people dealing with alcohol misuse, I’ve developed habits and routines that support ongoing growth. Caring for my body and mind, and strengthening my self-awareness, have become pillars of my recovery. When old thought patterns begin to surface, I can pause, recognize what’s happening, and choose how to respond to any urges that arise.

A major theme in my drinking history was anxiety—being caught between remorse and regret over the past and worry about the future. That split focus often led me toward avoidance and unhealthy coping. Today, my practice of mindfulness helps me catch myself when I drift into those old patterns. I can recognize when my mind begins to wander into what was or what might be, pulling me away from the present moment.

It’s useful, even necessary, to look backward for learning and to look forward for planning. But being consumed with regrets about a past that cannot be changed, or fears about a future that may never unfold, is both exhausting and damaging.

In service to myself and my sobriety, I must continue guarding against these two thieves of the present: past and future.

Recovery52 – Week 29 – Defense Mechanisms

Safely locked away.

“By not risking discomfort, you honor stagnation.”

— Paul Colaianni

In last week’s post, I set the intention to look more closely at my avoidant behaviors and evasiveness. Up to this point, many of my reflections have been safe topics—important, yes, but not yet digging into the deeper reasons or emotional damage tied to my history with alcohol. My recovery feels steady and strong today, but I’m aware that lasting change requires more than behavioral adjustments. If I improve my habits but avoid examining the deeper beliefs and emotional patterns that once drove me toward escape and numbing, then the risk of relapse remains.

This week, the concept of defense mechanisms surfaced repeatedly in my reading and reflection. In Freudian terms, defense mechanisms are unconscious strategies that protect us from anxiety, often through distortions of reality. They may shield us from discomfort in the moment, but they also keep us stuck.

As I explored the topic, I found countless lists—five mechanisms, seven, ten, even twenty-five. One helpful overview was written by Paul Colaianni, the author quoted at the start of this post.

I recognize several mechanisms in my own life, especially during active addiction. These are the ones that stand out:

• Denial: I minimized or rejected the idea that alcohol was harming me or others. I pushed away thoughts about my health and convinced myself I could manage it.

• Repression: My adverse childhood experiences left deep fears and patterns. I react strongly to conflict, avoid difficult conversations, and slip quickly into flight mode when my internal alarms go off.

• Distraction: I used pleasant activities—reading, photography, chores—to numb myself instead of addressing problems directly.

• Passive Aggression: I sometimes relied on humor, sarcasm, or cynicism to diffuse tension, but too often it hurt others and left issues unresolved.

Across the sources I explored, several consistent suggestions emerged for working with defense mechanisms:

• Practice mindful awareness when they are triggered, whether the threat is real or imagined.

• Use cognitive-behavioral tools to break old thought patterns and choose healthier responses.

• Ask for help from a therapist or trusted loved ones to identify blind spots and reinforce growth.

I believe meaningful work in this area will make my life and relationships healthier and keep my recovery strong. The path forward involves honesty, vulnerability, breaking old habits of self-protection, and learning healthier ways to cope. I feel fear at this stage, but I also know this work is necessary for true recovery.

Relapse is not an option.

Recovery52 – Week 27 – Trigger Stacking

Beauty in the moment, sunset at a local park.

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”

— James Thurber

In last week’s reflection, I wrote about “habit slipping” as a factor that can precede relapse. Letting healthy routines slide leaves me feeling unsettled, anxious, and emotionally off balance. With awareness, I recognized another pattern that played a role in past relapses—what I now call “trigger stacking.”

I later learned the term is used in dog-behavior psychology to describe how multiple small stressors accumulate until an animal reacts. The concept applies to people too, especially in recovery.

A trigger in recovery terms is any internal or external stimulus that pulls the mind toward old habits of escape or numbing. In my current sobriety, I do not feel a desire to drink. The memories of past relapses help keep me grounded. But I remain aware of the kinds of situations that once felt like reasons to drink—attempts to avoid uncomfortable emotions or enhance positive ones.

Mindfulness has been essential here. When a trigger arises, I notice it, name it, and let it pass without attaching a story. Staying present allows the trigger to fade instead of building.

In the past, I pushed these feelings away instead of processing them, letting multiple triggers stack on top of each other. Combined with habit slipping, the pressure became overwhelming and led to relapses. A single trigger might have been manageable, but several ignored in a row created danger.

In my recovery now, mindful awareness of thoughts and feelings—pleasant or unpleasant—is necessary. Not dwelling in past regrets or future worries keeps me rooted in the present, where I can make steady choices.