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Recovery52 – Week 51 – Intent
“Always stay humble and kind.”
— Tim McGraw
In the fall of 2022, I experienced a series of relapses with alcohol. In mid-December, a close friend shared an observation that hit me hard: I had no plan and no goals. She asked what I wanted in life. I had no answer—no rebuttal, no excuses. Her question left me shaken, but at the time I wasn’t ready to face it or do the deeper work required.
I stumbled again just before the end of the year—a hard lapse, a blackout binge. On January 1st of 2023, I woke up miserable, hungover, ashamed, and exhausted by the pattern I kept repeating. That relapse didn’t help me answer what I wanted in life. Instead, as I sobered up, a much clearer question surfaced: “What do I not want in life?”
Recovery52 – Week 50 – One Year Sober
“Recovery is not simple abstinence. It’s about healing the brain, remembering how to feel, learning how to make good decisions, becoming the kind of person who can engage in healthy relationships, cultivating the willingness to accept help from others, daring to be honest, and opening up to doing.”
— Debra Jay
It is now just over one year into my current recovery effort. New Year’s Day 2024 has passed, and I moved through the holiday season with clear awareness and no hangovers, no memory loss, and no shame—the consequences that once defined my past drinking years. I recognized the familiar people, places, and situations that once triggered escape or celebration, and this year I stayed grounded in sobriety. Crowded spaces, heavy traffic, holiday consumption, noisy media, and polarized voices swirled around me, yet I remained centered.
Recovery52 – Week 49 – Trinkets, Tokens, & Talismans
“Your mind is your invisible talisman. The letters PMA (positive mental attitude) are emblazoned on one side, and NMA (negative mental attitude) on the other. These are powerful forces.”
— W. Clement Stone
I am approaching a full year of complete abstinence from alcohol—nearly twelve months not just of sobriety, but of genuine, intentional recovery. Christmas of 2023 has passed, and I’m proud to say I moved through the holiday season with clear eyes and a steady spirit. No urges, no cravings. Instead, I recognized the people, places, and situations that once would have triggered escape or celebration, and I knew—fully—that I was in control of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. So yes… yay for me.
This week’s reflection is about a small but meaningful part of my recovery: the growing collection of physical reminders that encourage me forward.
Recovery52 – Week 47 – Fears and Trust
“You are afraid of letting anyone get close.”
— My sister
This week’s quote isn’t from a book or a public figure. It came from my sister during a phone conversation: “You are afraid of letting anyone get close.” The moment she said it, I felt the truth of it. This is the issue I need to face more directly—one that underlies many of my fears, beliefs, and behaviors.
Recovery52 – Week 39 – Trash Talking
“To leave the world better than you found it, sometimes you have to pick up other people’s trash.”
— Bill Nye
Last week, I wrote about the need to go deeper in my recovery. I’m confident and comfortable in my sobriety and in the healthy habits that support it. But I also know that I continue to react to events with old thought patterns—beliefs and emotional imprints formed long ago. These often lead to unhelpful or unhealthy reactions, what can fairly be called maladaptive behaviors.
This week, I’m using the SMART Recovery ABC tool, based in cognitive behavioral therapy, to examine and adjust my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It helps uncover the beliefs behind emotional reactions and guides healthier responses. This ABC activity is very useful as a post-mortem to examine past events, learn from them, and be prepared for future events.
Recovery52 – Week 38 – Boarded Up
“Character isn't inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains.”
— Helen Gahagan Douglas
Last week, I wrote about the need to go deeper in my recovery. I’m confident in my sobriety and in the healthy habits that support it, but I also know that I still react to life with old beliefs and emotional patterns formed long ago. Those patterns often lead to unhealthy, unhelpful reactions—maladaptive behaviors that no longer serve me. The photo I chose this week, with its boarded-up windows, is a metaphor for how I sometimes shut out the world.
Recovery52 – Week 36 – Recipe for Recovery
“A joyful life is an individual creation that cannot be copied from a recipe.”
— Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
This has been a good week, with no internal challenges to my sobriety. I’ve been consistent with healthy routines—daily planning and journaling, meditation, and regular workouts at the gym for both mental and physical well-being. I’ve enjoyed beginning each morning with coffee and time spent creatively editing photographs.
Today, I improvised a chicken–vegetable–rice soup, enjoying the quiet of the kitchen and the anticipation of a warm, comforting meal.
Recovery52 – Week 35 – Passion Over Addiction
“Passion creates, addiction consumes.”
— Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts
This has been a good week for me, relatively speaking. At thirty-five weeks alcohol-free, having moved beyond routine urges and practicing healthier habits in both thought and behavior, I feel my sobriety is solid. But I also know—through hard experience—that sobriety is never guaranteed.
Recovery52 – Week 34 – Gratitude for Today
“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
— John F. Kennedy
Last week, I wrote that I must guard against the two thieves of my present moment: past regrets and future worries. Today became a living reminder of that truth.
Recovery52 – Week 33 – Two Thieves
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves — regret for the past and fear of the future.”
— Fulton Oursler
With more than eight months in sobriety and thirty-three weeks into this photography project, I continue to find peace and clarity in daily life—peace and clarity I did not have when I was drinking, especially during periods of heavy use. After stumbling out of my last hard binge, carrying the painful memories of prior lapses, the knowledge of how I hurt others, and the growing realization that my life had lost meaning, I resolved to end that way of living.
Recovery52 – Week 29 – Defense Mechanisms
“By not risking discomfort, you honor stagnation.”
— Paul Colaianni
In last week’s post, I set the intention to look more closely at my avoidant behaviors and evasiveness. Up to this point, many of my reflections have been safe topics—important, yes, but not yet digging into the deeper reasons or emotional damage tied to my history with alcohol. My recovery feels steady and strong today, but I’m aware that lasting change requires more than behavioral adjustments. If I improve my habits but avoid examining the deeper beliefs and emotional patterns that once drove me toward escape and numbing, then the risk of relapse remains.
Recovery52 – Week 27 – Trigger Stacking
“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”
— James Thurber
In last week’s reflection, I wrote about “habit slipping” as a factor that can precede relapse. Letting healthy routines slide leaves me feeling unsettled, anxious, and emotionally off balance. With awareness, I recognized another pattern that played a role in past relapses—what I now call “trigger stacking.”
Recovery52 – Week 22 – Finding Calm with Intention Meditation
“Learn to slow down. Get lost intentionally. Observe how you judge both yourself and those around you.” — Tim Ferriss
Here I am, working on the 22nd of the 52 weekly posts in this Recovery journey and photography project. I wasn’t sure which topic resonated most this week—several ideas have been circling in my mind, each deserving more space than a single-page reflection can offer. Themes of self and ego, of a higher power, of addiction and neuroscience—all fascinating, all complex, all still works in progress for me.
After some contemplation, a session with my counselor, and a few moments that triggered judgment toward myself and others, I decided to return to something that has helped me before: meditation.
Recovery52 – Week 14 – Some Valuable YouTube Resources
“It is not from ourselves that we learn to be better than we are.”
— Wendell Berry
Another week moving forward in alcohol abstinence, another week appreciating my sobriety. I am feeling much more confident in this period of recovery — heck, even pride! But I also admit that thoughts of past relapses and withdrawals still bring memories of pain and shame, deserving a cautious observance of my current state in recovery.
Recovery52 – Week 11 – It Was Just A Dream
“The simple truth of things is that bad dreams are far better than bad wakings.”
— Stephen King
Another week forward in sobriety. Last week, I planned to begin exploring some of my fears — broad territory that could easily fill several posts. But something else pushed its way to the front: relapse dreams.
Recovery52 – Week 10 – Complacency
“Success requires enough optimism to provide hope and enough pessimism to prevent complacency.” — David Myers
One week past breaking last year’s sobriety record. Friends and family congratulated me, and I felt genuine pride — not the kind that feels shaky or forced, but a real sense of having earned something. It’s a moment worth acknowledging.
But I’ve been here before. Early recovery often brings clarity and confidence, and then — without noticing — overconfidence. I start to feel safe again, almost comfortable, and I let the memory of pain fade. The withdrawals, the guilt, the hiding, the hurt I caused myself and others — all of it drifts into the background. And that’s when complacency creeps in.
Recovery52 – Week 09 – A Time to Celebrate
“Celebrate yourself... and stay positive!”
— Khoudia Diop
Eighty days sober. One more than my longest stretch last year — and it feels different this time. The number itself is small, but the meaning behind it carries real weight. Today marks a turning point, not because I’ve crossed some grand threshold, but because I’m seeing myself grow in ways I didn’t trust were possible a year ago.
Recovery52 – Week 05 – Serious Recovery ... This Time!
“My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last.” — Anonymous
At the end of last week, I thought I might write about the routines that keep me grounded, but as this week unfolded, my reflections returned to something deeper: the seriousness of my commitment to recovery and why it matters.
Recovery52 – Week 04 – Perspective & Choice
“Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” — Roy T. Bennett
At the end of last week, I thought I might continue exploring the tools I use to separate reaction from response, but as this week unfolded, my reflections kept returning to something deeper: how perspective shapes the choices I see — and the ones I believe I have.
Recovery52 – Week 03 – Reaction vs Response
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Viktor E. Frankl
Last week, I thought I would write about relapse, but as this week unfolds, my reflections are pulling me toward something more immediate: the space between reaction and response.