“Fear is the memory of pain. Addiction is the memory of pleasure. Freedom is beyond both.” ~ Deepak Chopra
Day 311 AF.
Here I am at 42 weeks along my current journey in substance abuse recovery. 42 weeks of self-analysis and self-awareness, learning and practicing healthy skills and habits. I have made significant changes in how I react to external triggers and how I respond to internal thoughts and feelings, believing I have been successful in recovery to this point in time. Proudly and successfully, I have not chosen the false solace of alcohol this year! But I know more work lies ahead.
I have worked hard to be more open and honest with family, friends, and a trusted therapist. And also with myself. But I remain guarded, automatically responding in ways to protect myself and avoid harming others, choosing to avoid confrontation or difficult feelings with avoidance and distraction, fearing to be vulnerable. Such behavior can be harmful, limiting my potential for growth and from my engaging in authentic and trusted relationships, hurting others as well.
I am currently reading a book on recovery, and found a chapter about the risk factors that may underlie addictive behaviors to be very relevant in examining my history. They follow below with brief summaries of my experience in each area.
Genetic: Yes, there were drinkers on both sides of the family tree, as well as diagnosed mental illnesses.
Developmental: Yes, my mom's multiple marriages, with the trauma inflicted by abusive husbands / step-fathers, left significant marks on my early youth. (ACE - Adverse Childhood Experiences, lots of them.)
Environmental: Combining the impact of the genetic and developmental factors with no solid role models, I did not develop the skills and confidence to stand up for myself through early years and even with many situations in my adult life.
Creative Nature: My "fearful" nature from the above factors, a lack of self-confidence and self-worth, and memories of criticisms about artistic activities led me to hide my creative endeavors or abandon them without serious commitment. But here and now, I do believe my photography demonstrates that I can be proud of my creative nature.
Examining these risk factors will be a focus in upcoming posts. In some of my recent blog posts, I have presented problem-solving for current difficulties, based on my experience with the ABC exercise that I learned in SMART Recovery (see below). For future posts, I will be working with cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to see how these risk factors are at the root of my problematic thinking, behaviors, and reactions. Perhaps this deeper, more structured understanding will enable me to learn what and how to change for the better.
I can't change my past, but performing a more thorough analysis of my response to triggers and problems in life and identifying which of the above risk factors may be at play might enable me to come to terms with buried past traumas that continue to constrain me to this day. Finding the root causes to my perceived limited being is not intended to claim the status of victim, to find fault and place blame on past traumas, or to stoke anger for abusers. It must be done with care to allow me to forgive myself for developing maladaptive behaviors and to come to an understanding and acceptance that past "truth" responses are not true, that they are no longer valid or helpful. Perhaps a new daily mantra here will be useful.
"I have the power of choice and I can choose better!"
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community, and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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