Recovery52 – Week 45 – Challenging Limiting Beliefs

“One of the hardest expressions of self-assertiveness is challenging your limiting beliefs.”

— Nathaniel Branden

Last week, I shared several early Adverse Childhood Experiences that shaped my core fears and beliefs. Since then, without adding anything new to the list, I’ve been reflecting on how those early experiences—and others throughout my life—have influenced my growth, my behavior, and my relationships.

Those early maltreatments instilled beliefs that taught me to avoid situations requiring self-protection. I learned to assume I wasn’t strong enough, that others would hurt me, and that freezing or fleeing were the only options when I felt threatened.

My insecurities and anxieties nudged me toward “safe” paths, avoiding opportunities that might expose my vulnerabilities, weaknesses, or fears. I remember being bullied in school and hiding in the library during lunch. My fearful demeanor made me an easy target, reinforcing those beliefs and deepening my shame.

For years, I resisted support from others and turned down opportunities for growth that felt unsafe. My relationships suffered because I withheld honest opinions, downplayed my needs, or avoided difficult conversations—even with people closest to me. If someone seemed angry, I assumed I must be at fault.

Having witnessed spousal and child abuse, I internalized a strong belief that I must never cause pain to a woman or child. This led me at times to lie in the name of protection—“white lies” intended to spare feelings. But lies only delay the truth; they never erase it.

As for substance abuse, the pattern is clearer now. I used alcohol to escape fear, pain, and shame—to numb what felt too heavy to face. Recovery has brought meaningful change: greater self-awareness, healthier habits, and renewed confidence. But the deeper work continues, and it can only happen through continued sobriety.

My intention now is to stay mindful when limiting beliefs arise—to pause, reflect, and identify their source. To question whether those beliefs are true, helpful, or relevant to who I am today. And with care, perhaps I can reshape them without becoming reckless or taking unnecessary risks.

Recovery52 – Week 41 – Not This Time

“Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present.”

— Thomas S. Monson

Last week, I wrote about a major shift in my recovery journey—my therapist moving on and the sudden need to continue forward without that familiar pillar of support. At the time, I felt grounded and confident in the strength I’ve built.

This week, though, something quieter surfaced. A small current of apprehension rose up when I was reminded of the upcoming time change—the clocks rolling back, mornings growing colder, evenings stretching darker. The feeling was subtle but persistent. Instead of brushing it aside, I chose to explore it.

Memories returned—not vague impressions, but sharp recollections of where I was last year at this time. In early November 2022, I had a major relapse and binge episode. More memories followed: smaller slips throughout that fall and winter, ending in a final binge as the year turned toward 2023. Each one was painful. Each one hurt me. Each one affected people I cared about. I would get up again, shaky but determined, only to slide back down when the memory of pain faded and old thoughts returned: “I can handle it this time.” Or worse, I stopped thinking altogether and tried to outrun the darkness and overwhelm.

A detailed retelling of one of those relapse episodes might be useful in a future post—for myself and for anyone struggling with alcohol. But for now, I want to return to the quote that opens this week, and to the progress I see in how I approach my thoughts and feelings today.

I felt apprehension about the future—and I confronted it.

I remembered the mistakes I refuse to repeat.

I recognized the strength I’ve earned through honesty, practice, and sustained effort.

I stayed in the present. I didn’t get lost in rumination. And that grounded me.

This clarity doesn’t mean I’m free from worry. I still feel concern about past decisions, finances, relationships, uncertainty about the future, and moments of wavering confidence in my recovery. These areas deserve attention. At the same time, I’m learning to give myself space for activities that bring calm during lonely or challenging stretches—photography, reading for pleasure, jigsaw puzzles, and time in nature. Moments of stillness help me stay centered.

The coming season—with its cold, wet, and dark—will not dim the light of my recovery.

Recovery52 – Week 39 – Trash Talking

“To leave the world better than you found it, sometimes you have to pick up other people’s trash.”

— Bill Nye

Last week, I wrote about the need to go deeper in my recovery. I’m confident and comfortable in my sobriety and in the healthy habits that support it. But I also know that I continue to react to events with old thought patterns—beliefs and emotional imprints formed long ago. These often lead to unhelpful or unhealthy reactions, what can fairly be called maladaptive behaviors.

This week, I’m using the SMART Recovery ABC tool, based in cognitive behavioral therapy, to examine and adjust my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It helps uncover the beliefs behind emotional reactions and guides healthier responses. This ABC activity is very useful as a post-mortem to examine past events, learn from them, and be prepared for future events.

Here is this week’s ABC example:

Activating Event: A few months ago, during a group hike near Portland, we came across a pile of garbage dumped along a rural road at the trailhead—the scene captured in the above photograph. I felt immediate anger, and that anger spoiled my walk that morning.

Belief: I despise purposeful littering and illegal dumping. I want those responsible to be held accountable—or at least receive a strong dose of karma.

Consequence: The anger I felt lingered. In the past, this kind of unresolved upset would add to a mental pile of frustrations that could eventually push me toward numbing behaviors. Not this time.

Dispute: Malicious behavior by a small number of people is rare. Harboring general anger at specific instances won’t solve the problem, nor will it help my emotional health.

Effective New Belief: I cannot control others. But I can control how I react. Rather than let anger poison my day, I can acknowledge it, accept it, diffuse it—and then pick up the trash, when possible, making the place better than I found it.

I can’t control others or the world, but I can control myself and my reactions. I can choose to make a positive difference.

Recovery52 – Week 38 – Boarded Up

From a recent activist’s party in Portland, OR.

“Character isn't inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains.”

— Helen Gahagan Douglas

Last week, I wrote about the need to go deeper in my recovery. I’m confident in my sobriety and in the healthy habits that support it, but I also know that I still react to life with old beliefs and emotional patterns formed long ago. Those patterns often lead to unhealthy, unhelpful reactions—maladaptive behaviors that no longer serve me. The photo I chose this week, with its boarded-up windows, is a metaphor for how I sometimes shut out the world.

Many of my recent posts have been soft and safe, avoiding deeper honesty. I often hold back thoughts if I worry someone may take offense or feel hurt. In conversations with my therapist and trusted friends, I’ve realized that my recovery will stall if I don’t work directly with my emotional “stuff.” This project began as a tool for my own healing, and I reminded myself that even if no one else ever read these posts, they would still matter. They still help me. And if they help others, that’s a bonus.

Now it’s time to continue my healing work. For that, I’m leaning into a tool I learned through SMART Recovery—an exercise based in cognitive behavioral therapy called the ABC model. It helps uncover the thoughts and beliefs behind emotional reactions and guides healthier responses.

Here is an example from today:

Activating Event: While walking in nature this morning, I visited a well-known arboretum and forestry center. I saw multiple windows shattered and boarded with plywood—serious, recent vandalism. Transit workers told me it was caused by climate activists protesting forest policy. I felt immediate anger.

Belief: I despise vandalism and destruction. My instinct is toward retributive justice—I want those responsible to face consequences.

Consequence: I recognized quickly that this anger would not push me toward drinking, as it once might have. But I still carried the anger with me for much of the day.

Dispute: This is where I’m meant to question whether my belief is true or helpful. I know it needs refinement, but I’m not ready to abandon it.

Effective New Belief: Much vandalism is out of my control. I can acknowledge my anger, accept it, and then release it through mindful breathing and grounding techniques rather than letting it poison the day.

This was just one example, but I plan to continue using the ABC model to work through deeper triggers, old wounds, and long-standing beliefs. Pushing these feelings down out of fear of upsetting others is dishonest—to them and to myself. It’s time to break the chains.

Recovery52 – Week 32 – Governing the Kingdom

“A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings dwell; And very hard the task I find of governing it well.”

— Louisa May Alcott

As I enter another week of recovery, I’m reminded how much of this journey is about managing my inner world—my thoughts, feelings, and reactions. This week brought several events that stirred strong emotions and challenged my sense of balance.

Here are the stressors that shaped my week:

⦁ I came down with shingles the same weekend I received the shingles vaccine.

• My son’s wedding celebration was planned, and I was excited to be part of it.

• Loved ones are dealing with serious personal health issues, and I had committed to being available for caregiving, but was unable to.

• I was recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic, and the tinnitus I’ve been dealing with will not be medically evaluated until January.

I realize my stack of issues is small compared to the hardships others face—friends, family, and many people I read about in recovery communities. In truth, my life right now is pretty damn good. I’m grateful for where I am, what I have, and the growth I’m experiencing.

Still, the emotional mix this week felt worth sharing. Shingles brought pain and sleep disruption. The virus’s contagiousness forced me to consider risks and make difficult choices—I ended up missing my son’s wedding ceremony to protect others. I also stepped back from caregiving commitments. Missing workouts and hikes left me feeling physically disconnected from the routines that help keep me centered.

During this self-imposed isolation, I became more aware of the tinnitus, reflected on my diet, evaluated my financial picture, and thought more deeply about long-term goals and plans. My feelings shifted over the week: fear, sadness, regret, uncertainty, and even a shade of depression I hadn’t felt in a long time.

I also noticed subtle moments of relapse risk—those flickers of dangerous thinking. When I felt low, I imagined going out alone into nature, but thought it best not to drive by any beckoning trigger locations. I recognized the familiar self-doubt and remembered past relapses sparked by a single “eff it” moment. I even imagined the risk at the wedding celebration, knowing how easy it would have been to chase positive emotions with “just a glass or two.”

Those memories are vivid and still guide me now. They remind me that I cannot safely handle “just one.”

This week, I watched my thoughts and feelings with awareness. I let them rise and pass without surrendering to them. Old defense mechanisms—denial, numbing, avoidance—had no place here. I stayed present, mindful, and sober.

Recovery52 – Week 30 – My Coping Styles

Escape or healthy distraction?

“Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

— Aleatha Romig, Consequences

As a follow-up to last week’s reflection on defense mechanisms, this week I’ve been thinking about coping mechanisms—what they are, how they function, and the ways I’ve used them in both healthy and unhealthy ways. My goal is to connect past alcohol misuse with ineffective or maladaptive coping strategies while becoming more aware of how I currently respond to stress.

Coping mechanisms are the conscious strategies we use to handle stress, while defense mechanisms are unconscious reactions—deeply rooted, often fear-based, and automatic.

Significant life events—even positive ones—can create stress, and how we adjust depends on our thoughts, behaviors, and emotional responses. Coping strategies generally fall into problem-focused or emotion-focused approaches. They can also be described as active (addressing the issue directly) or avoidant (evading the issue). Maladaptive coping describes methods that may help temporarily but become harmful long-term.

I reviewed several sources this week, including a helpful overview from GoodTherapy, and reflected on which coping strategies I tend to use.

Primary coping styles I relate to:

• Support: Talking with others, asking for help.

• Relaxation: Time in nature, meditation, quiet time.

• Problem-solving: Identifying a problem and developing possible solutions.

• Humor: Helpful at times, but easy for me to overuse.

• Physical activity: Exercise, hiking, and movement reduce my stress.

Maladaptive coping mechanisms I recognize in myself:

• Escape: Withdrawing or isolating.

• Unhealthy self-soothing: TV binges or distractions that become numbing.

• Numbing: For me, binge drinking—my most damaging coping mechanism in the past.

• Compulsions or risk-taking: Not a major area for me, but worth being aware of.

• Self-harm: Not part of my history, but important to acknowledge as a possibility for others.

Even though my recovery is solid and growing stronger, I still slip into avoidant coping at times—ways of ignoring, escaping, or deflecting rather than addressing what needs attention. My recovery tools, especially mindfulness and journaling, help me catch these patterns and shift toward healthier responses.

The work ahead remains the same: breaking old patterns, being honest with myself and others, practicing vulnerability, and choosing coping strategies that support my well-being. Healthy coping is a learned skill, and I’m committed to learning it.

Recovery52 – Week 29 – Defense Mechanisms

Safely locked away.

“By not risking discomfort, you honor stagnation.”

— Paul Colaianni

In last week’s post, I set the intention to look more closely at my avoidant behaviors and evasiveness. Up to this point, many of my reflections have been safe topics—important, yes, but not yet digging into the deeper reasons or emotional damage tied to my history with alcohol. My recovery feels steady and strong today, but I’m aware that lasting change requires more than behavioral adjustments. If I improve my habits but avoid examining the deeper beliefs and emotional patterns that once drove me toward escape and numbing, then the risk of relapse remains.

This week, the concept of defense mechanisms surfaced repeatedly in my reading and reflection. In Freudian terms, defense mechanisms are unconscious strategies that protect us from anxiety, often through distortions of reality. They may shield us from discomfort in the moment, but they also keep us stuck.

As I explored the topic, I found countless lists—five mechanisms, seven, ten, even twenty-five. One helpful overview was written by Paul Colaianni, the author quoted at the start of this post.

I recognize several mechanisms in my own life, especially during active addiction. These are the ones that stand out:

• Denial: I minimized or rejected the idea that alcohol was harming me or others. I pushed away thoughts about my health and convinced myself I could manage it.

• Repression: My adverse childhood experiences left deep fears and patterns. I react strongly to conflict, avoid difficult conversations, and slip quickly into flight mode when my internal alarms go off.

• Distraction: I used pleasant activities—reading, photography, chores—to numb myself instead of addressing problems directly.

• Passive Aggression: I sometimes relied on humor, sarcasm, or cynicism to diffuse tension, but too often it hurt others and left issues unresolved.

Across the sources I explored, several consistent suggestions emerged for working with defense mechanisms:

• Practice mindful awareness when they are triggered, whether the threat is real or imagined.

• Use cognitive-behavioral tools to break old thought patterns and choose healthier responses.

• Ask for help from a therapist or trusted loved ones to identify blind spots and reinforce growth.

I believe meaningful work in this area will make my life and relationships healthier and keep my recovery strong. The path forward involves honesty, vulnerability, breaking old habits of self-protection, and learning healthier ways to cope. I feel fear at this stage, but I also know this work is necessary for true recovery.

Relapse is not an option.

Recovery52 – Week 27 – Trigger Stacking

Beauty in the moment, sunset at a local park.

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”

— James Thurber

In last week’s reflection, I wrote about “habit slipping” as a factor that can precede relapse. Letting healthy routines slide leaves me feeling unsettled, anxious, and emotionally off balance. With awareness, I recognized another pattern that played a role in past relapses—what I now call “trigger stacking.”

I later learned the term is used in dog-behavior psychology to describe how multiple small stressors accumulate until an animal reacts. The concept applies to people too, especially in recovery.

A trigger in recovery terms is any internal or external stimulus that pulls the mind toward old habits of escape or numbing. In my current sobriety, I do not feel a desire to drink. The memories of past relapses help keep me grounded. But I remain aware of the kinds of situations that once felt like reasons to drink—attempts to avoid uncomfortable emotions or enhance positive ones.

Mindfulness has been essential here. When a trigger arises, I notice it, name it, and let it pass without attaching a story. Staying present allows the trigger to fade instead of building.

In the past, I pushed these feelings away instead of processing them, letting multiple triggers stack on top of each other. Combined with habit slipping, the pressure became overwhelming and led to relapses. A single trigger might have been manageable, but several ignored in a row created danger.

In my recovery now, mindful awareness of thoughts and feelings—pleasant or unpleasant—is necessary. Not dwelling in past regrets or future worries keeps me rooted in the present, where I can make steady choices.

Recovery52 – Week 23 – Anticipation, Awareness, and Achievement

“It’s not the destination, it's the journey.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m a little late with this week’s post because I spent four days on a road trip with a close friend. The first two days were spent enjoying the scenery, stopping for photos, and sharing good memories. The last two days were the real work: loading a moving truck, driving twelve hours with frequent stops, then unloading everything at the end. Knowing the purpose of the trip would be stressful, we planned a slower start so we could savor the journey before the hard labor began.

The details aren’t necessary here, but the mission was a success. Everything in the California storage unit fit into the U-Haul, we avoided breakdowns and injuries, made it back to Portland on schedule, and we captured some great images from the Northern California Redwoods and coastline.

What matters for my recovery is this: I anticipated the stress of the trip. The kind of stress that, in the past, would have given me an easy excuse to numb myself. Long days on the road, loading and unloading heavy boxes, navigating traffic, worrying about schedules, imagining worst-case scenarios—any of these would have triggered old patterns. And yes, I felt stress. But I managed it.

I recognized when my thoughts were spinning, and that awareness gave me a pause—a space to return to the present moment. I noticed when my friend was stressed and did what I could to offer calm and reassurance. I showed up as the grounded version of myself.

The most important moment came during the final drive through Portland rush-hour traffic in a laden and large moving truck. A thought surfaced: in the past, a string of stressful days would have heightened my desire to drink. And even the successful completion of a difficult project would have sparked the belief that I “deserved” a reward—usually alcohol. Maybe there was the faintest glimmer of that old reflex, but I caught it quickly. I felt pride in my clarity and strength. I was solid.

My takeaways: anticipate the journey, stay aware during it, and take sober pride in its completion. And I’m grateful for the new friends who helped load and unload the truck—we couldn’t have done it alone.

Recovery52 – Week 22 – Finding Calm with Intention Meditation

“Learn to slow down. Get lost intentionally. Observe how you judge both yourself and those around you.” — Tim Ferriss

 Here I am, working on the 22nd of the 52 weekly posts in this Recovery journey and photography project. I wasn’t sure which topic resonated most this week—several ideas have been circling in my mind, each deserving more space than a single-page reflection can offer. Themes of self and ego, of a higher power, of addiction and neuroscience—all fascinating, all complex, all still works in progress for me.

 After some contemplation, a session with my counselor, and a few moments that triggered judgment toward myself and others, I decided to return to something that has helped me before: meditation.

 I began a daily meditation practice in the summer of 2020, perhaps prompted by lockdown anxieties, and found it deeply calming. It paired well with other healthy habits I held at the time—exercise, mindfulness, healthy eating, sobriety. But just as I let my fitness routine slip, I let meditation fall away too. The classic chicken-and-egg question arises: did the loss of healthy habits make me more vulnerable to relapse, or did repeated relapses make it harder to return to my healthy habits? Perhaps both.

Either way, insobriety is a dead end.

Mindfulness—the moment-to-moment awareness of thoughts and feelings—has become one of my strongest tools in sobriety. But I believe that going beyond mindfulness and practicing meditation with intention can offer another solid pillar of support. I have the time, and I have the willingness. Now I want to examine my daily routine and make meditation a priority again. Likely, it will be the first thing I do each morning, before caffeine or activity spin me up. That means shifting habits, but change can be refreshing.

My intention for meditation may center on gratitude or concern, or it may be nothing at all—a quiet stream of presence, letting peace settle for a few minutes. I’ll begin with five-minute sessions, using my phone as a timer, gradually increasing as I feel moved. My practice will be silent: breathing, perhaps a gentle body scan, calling myself back to center when I wander. Guided meditations tend to distract me, and even soft music pulls me away from stillness.

Intentional meditation will now be part of my “inventory.” I’ll see how it unfolds.

Recovery52 – Week 20 – Taking Inventory

Painterly edit of an original phone photo from a walk along Warrior Point Beach on Sauvie Island, near Portland, OR.

“Ask yourself if what you're doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.”
— Paulo Coelho

In recent posts, I’ve written about using mindfulness to stay aware of my thoughts and feelings, giving myself the chance to choose healthier responses to triggers rather than seeking escape or numbness. I call these “pause points,” and they’re becoming habitual — a very good sign in my recovery.

This mindful awareness has become powerful support for my day-to-day progress. But lately I’ve realized I want to move beyond the familiar “one day at a time” mantra. That mindset is essential in early recovery, but it can’t carry the full weight of a long-term life. The Paulo Coelho quote struck me because I’m not always clear on the second half of the question: if I don’t know where I want to be tomorrow, how can I know whether my choices today are leading me in the right direction?

Recovery requires daily attention, yes — but I also need to return to the bigger questions of purpose, meaning, my why. I feel solid in my near-term sobriety (fingers crossed, thumbs pressed). I have this photography project as a yearlong effort that motivates me each week. But beyond these ongoing successes, I still haven’t built a broader plan for my life.

Yesterday, during a moment of reflection, I began creating a new document — an inventory of my current state of being. My good and poor choices. My helpful and unhelpful habits. My areas of awareness and the places where I’m still avoiding effort. Taking that inventory proved valuable, and I realized that doing this regularly could become a healthy new habit that brings clarity and direction as I continue in recovery and in life.

Recovery52 – Week 19 – Gratitude for Mindfulness

“Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation.”
— John Ortberg

In Post #07, I wrote about the pride I felt in noticing difficult moments throughout the day and defusing each one before frustration could accumulate and push me toward escape. This week returns to those themes of mindfulness and self-awareness. I’ve been practicing the habit of paying attention to my feelings and maintaining a rational perspective.

A few days ago, I slipped into a “low mood,” one that lingered. I realized it would be wise to pause and ask why. Through conversations with friends and family, sharing frustrations, and then sitting quietly with my thoughts, I recognized a set of overlapping triggers:

• A close friend is facing the demands and concerns of a cancer diagnosis.
• My recent knee injury continues to limit my movement and connection with others.
• Sleep has been difficult — knee pain and general worries keeping me restless and tired.
• I’ve been immersed too often in negative news and messages on social media.
• While researching recovery quotes for these posts, I’m seeing the same recycled ideas, leaving me bored and cynical.

I won’t list every solution, but the simple act of identifying the problems dispelled the thickening cloud of angst and made each concern feel manageable.

In the past, I would have let these unexamined thoughts simmer, adding irritations to the pot until the “recipe for relapse” reached a boil. Then I’d “douse the stove fire” with alcohol, only to face the mess afterward. Not now. I am grateful for the strengthening practice of mindfulness — addressing things as they arise or when I notice a sense of unease that deserves attention.

A few points remain essential in my recovery:

• Any time I think of drinking again, even briefly, I recall clearly the pain of relapse and the harm it caused to myself and others.
• Sharing openly with family, friends, therapists, and online connections — and staying receptive to feedback.
• Journaling, which helps me follow a train of thought and gives me something to revisit as I continue working through challenges.
• Quiet contemplation: no background noise, no distractions, no TV, no music, no surrounding “must-dos.” Best of all is a walk or sit in nature, fully present with myself.

Mindfulness gives me the Viktor Frankl “space” between reaction and response. I am deeply grateful for the power that practice brings to my recovery and my life.