Recovery52 – Week 21 – Myopic Recovery
“It is great to be introspective, self-analysis can be useful, but only if it results in action.” — Joe Sacco
I feel solid in my sobriety. But through deeper awareness and the self-inventory work I wrote about last week, I’ve also been feeling a sense of selfishness in how narrowly focused my recovery has been. I’m strong and successful in my abstinence from alcohol. I appreciate the clarity of mind, the physical improvements, and the integrity returning to my life. I feel in control of my addiction.
Yet while my recovery mindset serves me well around alcohol, I can still see echoes of addictive thinking in other parts of my life:
• Food and diet: I generally eat well, but still allow too many poor choices and oversized portions, ignoring what I know to be better.
• Escapism and distraction: Reading, binge-watching shows, listening to podcasts and YouTube, or filling time with low-priority tasks.
• Shopping: Not buying excessively, but chasing the excitement of searching, comparing, imagining how a new item might improve my life.
Of course, alcohol would make all of these areas far more difficult to manage. But my mindfulness practice is strong enough now that I can apply it more broadly—to my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors across the board.
More importantly, I’m noticing something about my relationships: while I’m focused on maintaining sobriety, several close friends and family members are facing serious health challenges. I’m offering support, and I care deeply—but I know I could be more present, more available. I’m also engaged in several online recovery groups, seeing people struggling through relapse or painful early recovery. Compared to what many of them are facing, my own problems feel small.
I remind myself that comparison has limits, but still I worry: if I take my attention away from my own recovery to be more available to others, could I put myself at risk? That fear makes me feel selfish. And yet I know—because others remind me—that if I don’t take care of myself, I won’t be able to care for anyone else.
When I began this Recovery52 project, I intended to keep each weekly post short and focus on one topic. This one is broader, but these areas deserve attention as I move forward. I can work on multiple fronts. I will keep alcohol out of my life while expanding my field of view—addressing lifestyle habits, strengthening my mindfulness, and being more fully present for those who need me. To be of service, with action.
Recovery52 – Week 20 – Taking Inventory
Painterly edit of an original phone photo from a walk along Warrior Point Beach on Sauvie Island, near Portland, OR.
“Ask yourself if what you're doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.”
— Paulo Coelho
In recent posts, I’ve written about using mindfulness to stay aware of my thoughts and feelings, giving myself the chance to choose healthier responses to triggers rather than seeking escape or numbness. I call these “pause points,” and they’re becoming habitual — a very good sign in my recovery.
This mindful awareness has become powerful support for my day-to-day progress. But lately I’ve realized I want to move beyond the familiar “one day at a time” mantra. That mindset is essential in early recovery, but it can’t carry the full weight of a long-term life. The Paulo Coelho quote struck me because I’m not always clear on the second half of the question: if I don’t know where I want to be tomorrow, how can I know whether my choices today are leading me in the right direction?
Recovery requires daily attention, yes — but I also need to return to the bigger questions of purpose, meaning, my why. I feel solid in my near-term sobriety (fingers crossed, thumbs pressed). I have this photography project as a yearlong effort that motivates me each week. But beyond these ongoing successes, I still haven’t built a broader plan for my life.
Yesterday, during a moment of reflection, I began creating a new document — an inventory of my current state of being. My good and poor choices. My helpful and unhelpful habits. My areas of awareness and the places where I’m still avoiding effort. Taking that inventory proved valuable, and I realized that doing this regularly could become a healthy new habit that brings clarity and direction as I continue in recovery and in life.
Recovery52 – Week 19 – Gratitude for Mindfulness
“Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation.”
— John Ortberg
In Post #07, I wrote about the pride I felt in noticing difficult moments throughout the day and defusing each one before frustration could accumulate and push me toward escape. This week returns to those themes of mindfulness and self-awareness. I’ve been practicing the habit of paying attention to my feelings and maintaining a rational perspective.
A few days ago, I slipped into a “low mood,” one that lingered. I realized it would be wise to pause and ask why. Through conversations with friends and family, sharing frustrations, and then sitting quietly with my thoughts, I recognized a set of overlapping triggers:
• A close friend is facing the demands and concerns of a cancer diagnosis.
• My recent knee injury continues to limit my movement and connection with others.
• Sleep has been difficult — knee pain and general worries keeping me restless and tired.
• I’ve been immersed too often in negative news and messages on social media.
• While researching recovery quotes for these posts, I’m seeing the same recycled ideas, leaving me bored and cynical.
I won’t list every solution, but the simple act of identifying the problems dispelled the thickening cloud of angst and made each concern feel manageable.
In the past, I would have let these unexamined thoughts simmer, adding irritations to the pot until the “recipe for relapse” reached a boil. Then I’d “douse the stove fire” with alcohol, only to face the mess afterward. Not now. I am grateful for the strengthening practice of mindfulness — addressing things as they arise or when I notice a sense of unease that deserves attention.
A few points remain essential in my recovery:
• Any time I think of drinking again, even briefly, I recall clearly the pain of relapse and the harm it caused to myself and others.
• Sharing openly with family, friends, therapists, and online connections — and staying receptive to feedback.
• Journaling, which helps me follow a train of thought and gives me something to revisit as I continue working through challenges.
• Quiet contemplation: no background noise, no distractions, no TV, no music, no surrounding “must-dos.” Best of all is a walk or sit in nature, fully present with myself.
Mindfulness gives me the Viktor Frankl “space” between reaction and response. I am deeply grateful for the power that practice brings to my recovery and my life.
Recovery52 – Week 18 – The Addictive Voice
“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”
— Deepak Chopra
Another solid week in recovery. A good week, really. I’ve had several topics waiting in the wings for this project — often teasing which one might come next — but once again I let last week’s idea simmer and chose to write about something that surfaced unexpectedly yesterday: the subtle, familiar whisper of the addictive voice.
I’m a member of the Portland Japanese Garden, a sanctuary of calm and a favorite place for photography and reflection. I’d been thinking of visiting soon, early in the morning with my camera. Then today I received a promotional email about a fundraising event titled In Praise of Time – Celebrating a Century of Japanese Whisky. The misspelling of “whisky” was theirs, not mine.
I skimmed the details and thought, “No, probably not for me,” and deleted the email. Later, as I considered scheduling a garden visit, the event resurfaced in my mind — quietly, almost innocently. A whisper: It’s a cultural event. It would be safe. The people there wouldn’t be alcoholics. You could go and not drink.
NO!
I stopped that line of thinking immediately. I know exactly where that train goes if I let it build momentum. The next whisper would be, Hey, maybe you could control it… maybe just one… you’re handling it. And then the old pattern of complacency, relapse, and pain.
This wasn’t a craving. I had no desire for alcohol. What I recognized was the voice itself — the old neural groove that once led me back into drinking. My success was in catching it early: practicing self-awareness, staying mindful, recognizing outdated mental habits, and staying true to my recovery.
Maybe that voice will always be with me. Maybe quiet, maybe infrequent, but still something to be wary of. Awareness is protection.
Recovery52 – Week 17 – Now & Then
Looking south from high on Mt. Hood, 2019
“Sometimes, we motivate ourselves by thinking of what we want to become. Sometimes, we motivate ourselves by thinking about who we don’t ever want to be again.”
— Shane Niemeyer
This past week has been stable — without stumbles, not even close — but also without any celebratory wins. A recent knee injury has limited my movement and kept me from nature walks. I’ve noticed “triggered” sensations tied to old associations and have let them pass mindfully, without harm. I’ve been a bit more irritable, finding frustration in ordinary moments. I’ve caught myself slipping into cynical thinking — quick judgments, assumptions without facts. But self-awareness has helped me pause, reassess, and reframe my thoughts in more grounded, positive ways. Mindfulness isn’t always easy, but it’s always necessary for my sobriety.
I’ve joined a few recovery Facebook groups these past weeks, partly to keep a toe in the water and partly to remind myself I’m not swimming alone. I see people stumbling in early recovery and people thriving years into sobriety. Some find strength in a higher power; others find it within themselves. From research, testimony, and my own experience, I know there is no single path to recovery. For me, having a why — a reason and a purpose — has helped me stay on the path with confidence. I’m still not completely clear on what I want, but I am absolutely certain of what I do not want: to live and die drunk and alone.
And if sharing my words here helps even one person in their recovery, I am grateful to be of service.
Recovery52 – Week 16 – Being Thankful
“There’s not a drug on earth that can make life meaningful.”
— Unknown
This is not my first time attempting recovery from alcohol abuse. In the past, I tried to do it alone and only managed short periods of abstinence. Later, with outside support, I found recovery groups that gave me tools and connection, and I experienced longer stretches of sobriety. But eventually, the relapses returned — usually because I wanted to numb rather than feel the “pain” I believed my life was causing me.
What’s different this time is that I am being mindful in how I respond to daily stressors. I recognize when old triggers are present. I pause. I give myself the time to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. When a thought of drinking rises — whether to numb discomfort or amplify pleasure — I ask myself, “How would this serve me?”
I have firmly set my answer: “It won’t.” I remember the damage alcohol has caused to myself and to others. I move on from the urge, feeling a sense of pride for choosing well in the moment, and building confidence each time I defuse a potential stumble.
Recently, I joined a handful of Facebook recovery groups where I’ve shared my photography project blog and occasional reflections. As I read through these groups, I realize how fortunate I am right now. Many people are just beginning their recovery work. Others lack support or tools. Too many are struggling with severe health issues, broken relationships, and overwhelming life challenges.
My own frustrations feel small by comparison. I feel deep gratitude toward the people who post their stories, express their vulnerability, and ask for help. Their honesty reminds me of the path I walk — and how much harder it could be. I am thankful to all who are suffering and all who are sharing the journey.
Recovery52 – Week 15 – Happy Birthday to Me
“Recovery is not simple abstinence. It’s about healing the brain, remembering how to feel, learning how to make good decisions, becoming the kind of person who can engage in healthy relationships, cultivating the willingness to accept help from others, daring to be honest, and opening up to doing.”
— Debra Jay
This week felt like a genuine success — even a reason to celebrate. Tuesday was my 65th birthday, a milestone for many people, and my first truly sober birthday in four years. I fully enjoyed the clarity and steadiness that recovery has given me. For the first time in years, I woke the next morning without a hangover, without shame, without regret. I felt grounded, clear, and hopeful about what lies ahead on this journey.
Not being alone made all the difference. In past years I tended to go silent — something I’ll explore in a later post — but this year was different. I received warm birthday messages on social media, shared a morning hike with a Meetup group, had good conversations with family and friends, and enjoyed a wonderful afternoon and dinner with one of my closest friends. The whole day felt genuinely uplifting, and not once did I feel tempted to drink.
As the day approached, I felt a little apprehension, remembering past birthdays lost to alcohol. I wasn’t worried about relapse, but I was mindful of the old triggers that live in my memory. One question lingered in my mind: how would I feel the next day, when the celebration was over? Would there be a sense of letdown? The morning after, I was relieved — I felt good, stable, and ready for another year of sober life. I even had a therapy session to share my success, and a carpet cleaning scheduled to make my home feel fresh.
Looking back, the values that made this birthday meaningful were clear: my mindfulness and strength in recovery, the support of family and friends, genuine connection with others, and a sense of optimism about the life ahead.
Recovery52 – Week 14 – Some Valuable YouTube Resources
“It is not from ourselves that we learn to be better than we are.”
— Wendell Berry
Another week moving forward in alcohol abstinence, another week appreciating my sobriety. I am feeling much more confident in this period of recovery — heck, even pride! But I also admit that thoughts of past relapses and withdrawals still bring memories of pain and shame, deserving a cautious observance of my current state in recovery.
When the painful memories recede, when the possibility of casual drinking crosses my mind — no matter how briefly or how quickly dismissed — I know that I have resources I can turn to for support in staying the sober course. My current practices and habits are working, but sometimes I need to reach beyond the here and now, outside myself, for recovery support.
For this week, I want to share a few of my most valuable media resources I turn to when needed for both comfort and strength in my recovery. These do not take precedence over the compassion offered by family and friends, but they are valuable tools for my journey. Below are four primary YouTube sources that are always available when I feel the need for encouragement or clarity:
• Kevin O’Hara — Habits Unplugged V2
Kevin O’Hara, a man with lived experience in alcoholism and recovery, has been producing YouTube content for over ten years. He writes books and offers a recovery program called HabitsV2. I appreciate his grounded, nature-walk style while discussing tools for abstinence. His methods align well with my SMART Recovery background and CBT principles.
• Emma McAdam — Therapy in a Nutshell
Emma McAdam, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, is known for her clear, calm mental health guidance. She covers subjects such as anxiety, depression, trauma, and family dynamics — many of which intersect with my own recovery work. Her voice has been an anchor for me during difficult stretches.
• Amber Hollingsworth — Put the Shovel Down
Amber Hollingsworth, a Master Addiction Counselor, speaks to both people struggling with addiction and the families affected by it. Her insights have helped me better understand how my actions may have impacted others and have strengthened my compassion and accountability.
• Dr. Gabor Maté — assorted talks and interviews
Dr. Maté is a renowned Canadian physician whose work centers on childhood trauma and addiction. His book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts remains one of the most important works in helping me understand the deeper roots of my substance use and the healing required for long-term recovery.
Video gives me a sense of connection with these presenters, but I also download episodes for offline listening so they are accessible 24/7 — during drives, walks, or when the internet is unavailable.
These four are my core online resources, though countless other channels and videos exist for anyone walking a recovery path. I continue to explore what works for me and use those tools when needed.
Recovery52 – Week 13 – Flexing the Sobriety Muscle
“You can always find a distraction if you're looking for one.”
— Tom Kite
Another week forward in sobriety, and another week appreciating what this sober life is giving me. But it was also a somber, heavy week. I made the difficult decision to pause a possible long-term partnership with a beautiful, kind, loving woman. Partly because I don’t yet feel strong and certain enough in my sobriety, and partly because of the unanswered questions that surfaced:
I don’t yet trust myself in sobriety. And if I don’t trust myself, how can those I’ve harmed with past relapses trust me? How will I know when that trust is real?
Am I still burying unresolved fears from the past — fears that keep me guarded, trying not to hurt others and trying not to get hurt myself?
And where am I truly in my recovery? Am I emotionally available for a long-term relationship, or still finding my footing?
In a counseling session, while talking through the first question, I admitted that I actually was feeling strong in my recovery. My sober foundation is solid. I’ve been combining healthy habits, mindfulness, accountability, creativity, and structure into something that feels like a real practice. But my lack of self-trust still lingers because I continue to engage in other long-term problematic behaviors — distractions that numb, excite, or occupy my mind when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
These behaviors bring their own shame. And shame leads to hiding. Hiding from others, hiding from myself. Drinking wasn’t the only way I numbed out. I used distraction the same way.
Here are three recent examples of the behaviors I’m talking about:
One afternoon when I felt bored and restless, I opened Netflix “just to find something light.” I found an action series called Night Agent. The synopsis hooked me. I watched one episode… then the next… then the next. Hours passed. Before I knew it, I had binge-watched the entire season. I told myself it was harmless. But afterward, I felt that familiar hollowness — like I had disappeared into something instead of living the day.
On another low-energy day, I turned to video games. I’ve always enjoyed older first-person shooters and adventure titles, and I told myself a little play time might help lift my mood. Five hours later, I resurfaced. Engaged, yes — but unfulfilled. It was escape, not enjoyment.
The tech-and-gadget trap has always been there for me. The “shopping trance” is real: reading reviews, hunting for deals, comparing specs, chasing the hit of excitement. Recently, I convinced myself I needed a new tablet. I bought it quickly, riding the dopamine rush of the hunt. But as soon as the purchase was done, that excitement evaporated. What replaced it was shame. And again — I hid it from friends and family.
These experiences showed me something uncomfortable but important: my sobriety is strong, but my relationship with distraction still needs work. I’m using these behaviors for the same reasons I used alcohol — fear, boredom, loneliness, uncertainty. Different tools, same purpose.
So I’m starting a new practice: treating these behaviors the same way I treat drinking. Not with harsh judgment, but with awareness and honesty. I’ve decided to focus first on the most costly behaviors — financially and emotionally — and when the urge rises, to pause and ask myself a simple question: How does this serve me?
By slowing myself down, I can look directly at what I’m feeling, understand the motivation beneath it, and choose a healthier response instead of an automatic escape. The more I do this, the more I begin rebuilding something I lost for a long time: long-term trust in myself.
Learning to trust myself again isn’t just for my own peace of mind. It’s also for the relationships I hope to build down the road. I want to be dependable, emotionally steady, and trustworthy — not only in sobriety, but in the way I live day to day. If I can trust myself over time, then others can trust me, too.
Recovery52 – Week 12 – Boredom is a Choice
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”
— Socrates
Another week sober. Another week appreciating what sobriety feels like in my body and mind. Last week I thought I would tackle one of my fears, but something else pushed its way to the front again — boredom. Not the mild kind, but the deeper version tied to my history.
This week brought several small events that stirred memories of how I once handled boredom: alcohol, distraction, procrastination. I felt an echo of the old sensations — the heaviness in my chest, the urge to escape, the restless unhappiness of doing things I didn’t want to do but did anyway, silently, with a forced smile. It reminds me how quickly boredom used to slide into the desire for numbness.
I’ve had lapses in the past connected to boredom. Sometimes boredom teamed up with loneliness or stress; sometimes it stood alone. Either way, I drifted into the same escape: “Maybe just one,” “It’ll be fine this time,” “You can handle it now.” I’ve failed that test more times than I like to admit. And with how solid my recovery feels right now, the fear of relapse is real. Confidence mixed with old emotional triggers can be a dangerous combination.
Boredom happens. It’s part of being human. Sometimes it comes from not knowing what to do with myself. Other times it comes from expectations placed on me — tasks I don’t want to do, routines that feel meaningless or endless, obligations that drain me. Before, I chose numbness. Now I’m learning to choose differently.
I’m reframing boredom. I’m taking responsibility for how I respond to it. Instead of letting empty time turn into restlessness, I fill it with things I enjoy — photography, puzzles, walking, reading, or even just organizing something small. And when I can’t change the activity — like taxes or laundry or waiting idly for a delivery or a service — I try to change my perspective instead of running from the feeling.
This week’s success wasn’t in avoiding boredom but in recognizing the old feelings when they rose and choosing a different response. I didn’t bury them. I talked about them — with friends, with my therapist, and even with myself. Self-awareness, mindfulness, and recognizing my “pause points” are becoming real tools. They help me stay ahead of the old patterns instead of getting swept up in them.
Recovery feels more solid this time. Not perfect. Not effortless. But solid. I see myself responding to life with more intention. I’m learning what to do with uncomfortable feelings instead of escaping them.