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Recovery52 – Week 37 – Moving Forward
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
— Buddha
I’m a couple of days late with this week’s post, missing my self-imposed Thursday deadline. And I’m completely at peace with that. I chose instead to enjoy a road trip through central Washington, traveling part of the Cascade Loop with a good friend. We drove long miles on rural roads, photographed landscapes, and embraced a sense of adventure. A missed deadline was a small price for time well spent.
Recovery52 – Week 36 – Recipe for Recovery
“A joyful life is an individual creation that cannot be copied from a recipe.”
— Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
This has been a good week, with no internal challenges to my sobriety. I’ve been consistent with healthy routines—daily planning and journaling, meditation, and regular workouts at the gym for both mental and physical well-being. I’ve enjoyed beginning each morning with coffee and time spent creatively editing photographs.
Today, I improvised a chicken–vegetable–rice soup, enjoying the quiet of the kitchen and the anticipation of a warm, comforting meal.
Recovery52 – Week 35 – Passion Over Addiction
“Passion creates, addiction consumes.”
— Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts
This has been a good week for me, relatively speaking. At thirty-five weeks alcohol-free, having moved beyond routine urges and practicing healthier habits in both thought and behavior, I feel my sobriety is solid. But I also know—through hard experience—that sobriety is never guaranteed.
Recovery52 – Week 34 – Gratitude for Today
“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
— John F. Kennedy
Last week, I wrote that I must guard against the two thieves of my present moment: past regrets and future worries. Today became a living reminder of that truth.
Recovery52 – Week 33 – Two Thieves
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves — regret for the past and fear of the future.”
— Fulton Oursler
With more than eight months in sobriety and thirty-three weeks into this photography project, I continue to find peace and clarity in daily life—peace and clarity I did not have when I was drinking, especially during periods of heavy use. After stumbling out of my last hard binge, carrying the painful memories of prior lapses, the knowledge of how I hurt others, and the growing realization that my life had lost meaning, I resolved to end that way of living.
Recovery52 – Week 32 – Governing the Kingdom
“A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings dwell; And very hard the task I find of governing it well.”
— Louisa May Alcott
As I enter another week of recovery, I’m reminded how much of this journey is about managing my inner world—my thoughts, feelings, and reactions. This week brought several events that stirred strong emotions and challenged my sense of balance.
Recovery52 – Week 31 – Toxic Media Detox
“Don't let the bearers of bad news become the pallbearers of your happiness.”
— Stewart Stafford
My initial thoughts for this week’s post were about revisiting rumination—how dwelling on the past or worrying about the future stirs up shame, regret, and fear. Those imagined monsters can become powerful triggers. But I’ll save that for another post.
Last night, I felt the early stirrings of anger—an emotional rise that reminded me of the kind of mood that once led me toward drinking. It began after I came across a few news headlines that irritated me. Instead of stepping back, I found a recent podcast on the topic, hosted by people I used to find humorous. Within fifteen minutes, I realized my agitation was growing. I shut it off immediately, returned to silence and mindfulness, and eventually shifted into reading for pleasure. I wasn’t close to relapse—I was self-aware.
Recovery52 – Week 30 – My Coping Styles
“Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”
— Aleatha Romig, Consequences
As a follow-up to last week’s reflection on defense mechanisms, this week I’ve been thinking about coping mechanisms—what they are, how they function, and the ways I’ve used them in both healthy and unhealthy ways. My goal is to connect past alcohol misuse with ineffective or maladaptive coping strategies while becoming more aware of how I currently respond to stress.
Recovery52 – Week 29 – Defense Mechanisms
“By not risking discomfort, you honor stagnation.”
— Paul Colaianni
In last week’s post, I set the intention to look more closely at my avoidant behaviors and evasiveness. Up to this point, many of my reflections have been safe topics—important, yes, but not yet digging into the deeper reasons or emotional damage tied to my history with alcohol. My recovery feels steady and strong today, but I’m aware that lasting change requires more than behavioral adjustments. If I improve my habits but avoid examining the deeper beliefs and emotional patterns that once drove me toward escape and numbing, then the risk of relapse remains.
Recovery52 – Week 28 – Avoiding and Evading
“We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
— Brené Brown
I’m a couple of days late with this week’s post. My Recovery52 schedule—publishing every Thursday—has become a quiet form of accountability. Without goals, I drift; without structure, I slip. The delay came partly from a needed camping trip, and partly from wrestling with a topic too big to fit neatly into a single week’s reflection.
Recovery52 – Week 27 – Trigger Stacking
“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”
— James Thurber
In last week’s reflection, I wrote about “habit slipping” as a factor that can precede relapse. Letting healthy routines slide leaves me feeling unsettled, anxious, and emotionally off balance. With awareness, I recognized another pattern that played a role in past relapses—what I now call “trigger stacking.”
Recovery52 – Week 26 – Habit Slipping
“Be forgiving with your past self.
Be strict with your present self.
Be flexible with your future self.”
— James Clear
The quote above is from James Clear’s book Atomic Habits, an excellent read in my opinion. He explains how to build good habits and dismantle bad ones. One of his key ideas is “habit stacking”: connecting a new behavior to an existing habit so the new habit becomes easier to maintain.
Recovery52 – Week 25 – Feeling My Feelings
“We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
— Brené Brown
Unapologetically, I find myself circling the edges of fear again—resistant to diving straight into the deep. Last week I wrote about exploring the fears that hold me back: fears of hurting myself or others, of being hurt by others, and the very human fear of uncertainty. These fears were shaped over a lifetime, living both in the mind and the body. But this topic requires honesty and vulnerability, and I don’t feel ready to reveal more without additional contemplation and conversations with people I trust.
Recovery52 – Week 24 – Trust and Fear
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”
— Nelson Mandela
I’m writing this week’s post on the Fourth of July. Invitations to parties and potlucks have come in, and there are plenty of events happening around me. But I’ve chosen to stay home—away from environments where alcohol will be present. Two honest thoughts guided that choice: first, would I be susceptible to the old whisper of “just a little, you can handle it now”? And second, would I feel left out or unsettled watching others drink? I even avoided grocery shopping this weekend to sidestep the crowds stocking up for celebrations. It simply felt wiser.
Recovery52 – Week 23 – Anticipation, Awareness, and Achievement
“It’s not the destination, it's the journey.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m a little late with this week’s post because I spent four days on a road trip with a close friend. The first two days were spent enjoying the scenery, stopping for photos, and sharing good memories. The last two days were the real work: loading a moving truck, driving twelve hours with frequent stops, then unloading everything at the end. Knowing the purpose of the trip would be stressful, we planned a slower start so we could savor the journey before the hard labor began.
The details aren’t necessary here, but the mission was a success. Everything in the California storage unit fit into the U-Haul, we avoided breakdowns and injuries, made it back to Portland on schedule, and we captured some great images from the Northern California Redwoods and coastline.
Recovery52 – Week 22 – Finding Calm with Intention Meditation
“Learn to slow down. Get lost intentionally. Observe how you judge both yourself and those around you.” — Tim Ferriss
Here I am, working on the 22nd of the 52 weekly posts in this Recovery journey and photography project. I wasn’t sure which topic resonated most this week—several ideas have been circling in my mind, each deserving more space than a single-page reflection can offer. Themes of self and ego, of a higher power, of addiction and neuroscience—all fascinating, all complex, all still works in progress for me.
After some contemplation, a session with my counselor, and a few moments that triggered judgment toward myself and others, I decided to return to something that has helped me before: meditation.
Recovery52 – Week 21 – Myopic Recovery
“It is great to be introspective, self-analysis can be useful, but only if it results in action.” — Joe Sacco
I feel solid in my sobriety. But through deeper awareness and the self-inventory work I wrote about last week, I’ve also been feeling a sense of selfishness in how narrowly focused my recovery has been. I’m strong and successful in my abstinence from alcohol. I appreciate the clarity of mind, the physical improvements, and the integrity returning to my life. I feel in control of my addiction.
Yet while my recovery mindset serves me well around alcohol, I can still see echoes of addictive thinking in other parts of my life:
Recovery52 – Week 20 – Taking Inventory
“Ask yourself if what you're doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.”
— Paulo Coelho
In recent posts, I’ve written about using mindfulness to stay aware of my thoughts and feelings, giving myself the chance to choose healthier responses to triggers rather than seeking escape or numbness. I call these “pause points,” and they’re becoming habitual — a very good sign in my recovery.
This mindful awareness has become powerful support for my day-to-day progress. But lately I’ve realized I want to move beyond the familiar “one day at a time” mantra. That mindset is essential in early recovery, but it can’t carry the full weight of a long-term life. The Paulo Coelho quote struck me because I’m not always clear on the second half of the question: if I don’t know where I want to be tomorrow, how can I know whether my choices today are leading me in the right direction?
Recovery52 – Week 19 – Gratitude for Mindfulness
“Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation.”
— John Ortberg
In Post #07, I wrote about the pride I felt in noticing difficult moments throughout the day and defusing each one before frustration could accumulate and push me toward escape. This week returns to those themes of mindfulness and self-awareness. I’ve been practicing the habit of paying attention to my feelings and maintaining a rational perspective.
Recovery52 – Week 18 – The Addictive Voice
“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”
— Deepak Chopra
Another solid week in recovery. A good week, really. I’ve had several topics waiting in the wings for this project — often teasing which one might come next — but once again I let last week’s idea simmer and chose to write about something that surfaced unexpectedly yesterday: the subtle, familiar whisper of the addictive voice.