Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 07 - "Attention to the Moment"

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake.” - Jon Kabat Zinn

Last week, my blog post returned to the purpose of this photography project. To refresh, for me, my intention and motivations for successfully and happily living a life of sobriety.

The week has been a good one, with no lapses nor desires to be altered. I have enjoyed time out in nature, hiking and capturing photos, reading, jigsaw puzzling, daily planning, and exercising. And by avoiding over-indulgence in social and news media. I've finally arranged for health care coverage, after being without for the last couple of years. I completed an at-home sleep apnea test to resolve poor sleep problems. I am staying the course and moving in a positive direction.

The thing I felt most successful at was my awareness of and appreciation of mindfulness: being present to the moment, particularly moments that could have left me harboring unresolved anxieties. Let me share an example of a morning of "irritations" I experienced that, in the past, could have spun me up. I was intending to drop off a load of items at Goodwill, make a quick grocery stop, and then proceed to my therapy appointment. Here are how events transpired and my response to each:

1. I loaded the donation items and checked the web for the nearest Goodwill location and operating hours. As I arrived at the donation center, 30 minutes after opening, I found the drive blocked with orange cones and the center was closed. Arghh! With a brief pause and a moments thought, I realized I can just do the drop elsewhere at another time, so I just moved on with grocery shopping. No worry, let it go!

2. I completed my grocery shopping, sticking to a list (a new commited habit) and proceeded to self-checkout, something I am very familiar with and usually do. This time, I was at a screen that prompted me for quantity, I paused for a moment to pull my shoppers card from my wallet and then the attending checkout person stepped up and told me I need to enter the quantity and then press the "Done" key or I would not be able to scan the rest of my items, in what I felt was a very condescending tone. I felt myself tense and anger start to rise. But then I realized she is just doing her job, likely dealing with many people of different "abilities " being "stuck" in the checkout process. Nothing personal; let it go.

3. As I reached the top of the stairs in the parking garage with my two grocery bags to return to my car , a young man came around a blind corner, nearly colliding with me and causing my balance to falter. This could have resulted in a nasty fall. I was pissed because the young man was "buried" in his cell phone, not paying any attention to his surroundings, and proceeded down the stairs with his head still "buried". I paused, decided it was OK to be angry for a moment, then chose not to remain angry. Breathe, let it go!

4. I arrived at my counseling appointment and all of the visitor parking was filled. There were many "Members" reserved spots open but I knew Murphy's Law would bite me if I parked illegally. So, I chose to drive to a nearby park, paid the hourly fee, and enjoyed a block's walk in nature back to the office. (Good thing I like to be early for appointments!) I had a good session, sharing these events as successful "pause points", letting go!

I have other similar successes this week of being attentive to situations and my reactions, recognizing the power I have to choose "healthy" responses, to defuse those little "anxiety" bombs, and to prevent a buildup of unresolved or unreleased stresses that are a part of everyday life. I know that letting such stress and anxiety build is a very dangerous behavior for me regarding my sobriety, in the past leading to lapses.

I'm really getting to like this mindfulness thing!!

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 06 - "Remind Me Why I'm Doing This?"

My last post ended with thoughts of describing my healthy habits and routines that I believe help me stay on the safe path of sobriety. Now I am finding myself a bit unfocused, my mind mulling over this and other topics, intertwined and likely to result in a pelting of incoherent and shallow thoughts: healthy routine, rigidity, self-trust, anxiety, fear and uncertainty, emotional pile-on, mindfulness. All important issues to comprehend in my recovery journey, but best for me to focus on one topic and save thoughts on the others for future posts.

I confided with a friend that I was feeling a bit low and uncertain of my focus. She suggested I revisit my whole purpose for this project, coming back to the light and leaving darker subjects for later. Thank you!

"Intention sets a conscious direction; motivation sustains our drive in that direction."

Intention is deliberate, a desire to attain or achieve something. A blend of motivations are often in play, some conscious, and perhaps some sub-conscious. Motivations can wax and wane over time, even within the same day. Motivations can be propelled from within ("intrinsic") or compelled from without ("extrinsic'). Motivations can be positive, drawing toward pleasure, or negative, pushing away from pain. A fascinating stew!

Here is my current state of intention and motivations:

Intention:

To achieve and maintain joyful sobriety from alcohol.

Motivations:

1. Awareness and acceptance that I have been living a purposeless, goalless life. Without direction or plans. I want a life with meaning and fulfillment.

2. Excitement and commitment to this photography project.

3. Enjoying the benefits of healthy living - both mentally and physically

4. A commitment to family, loved ones and friends. Being available, reliable, and honorable.

5. No more physical, mental and emotional pain that results from drinking.

OK, this review has helped lift my mood and cleared the path ahead. (No, I've not slipped and I am firmly committed to my intention!) Perhaps next week I'll get back to describing my healthy behaviors and tools that give me strength and support my efforts.

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 05 - Serious Recovery ... This Time!

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last." – Anonymous

This is not my first attempt at recovery from alcohol misuse but I hope it is my last and "lasting" one. A number of times, at different stages in my life I have found alcohol to be a numbing agent when pain and anxiety arise, a celebratory substance when good feelings led me to chase a higher excitement, and often a combination of both down and up emotions, with me running from pain and chasing after pleasure. Always ending badly .... always temporary .... always feeling worse! Any pains I was trying to ignore were not resolved and I was in a worse state to try and address them. Any pleasures I was trying to capture were only imagined, and worse the relationships available to me in the world and with others were damaged or destroyed altogether (broken trusts!)

I think I am at a stage where I want to go deeper in understanding my lapses. I do know there was early childhood trauma. I know that my lifelong behaviors of avoidance and dishonesty have early roots, my attempts at self-protection, fears of rejection and commitment all need examination. I have suffered from depression and wonder if other mental health diagnoses might apply. Am I ready for this deep dive? For now, I am committed to this effort and have begun counseling with a therapist I trust. This part of the recovery journey will be the topic(s) for a future post.

My commitment to abstinence is very serious and I am aware that I am protectively holding others at a distance, keeping my own activities limited to safe and satisfying behaviors. The first line I write in my daily planner is "Sobriety / Well-Being". The last line I write in my journal each day is, hopefully, "A safe and sober day." I try to fill my time between the day start and finish with healthy and creative pursuits, with much time devoted to mindfulness. This is not selfish, this is self-care!

I think next week may be a description of my routines and activities that keep me grounded, moving upward in sobriety.

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 04 - "Perspective & Choice"

“Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”

― Roy T. Bennett

In pondering the subject for this week's post, I considered the power I have to choose, hopefully for the best, the actions I take or the direction I move toward. Relating to Post03 in this photography project, a reasoned response allows me to make better decisions and choices in my best interest instead of unthinkingly reacting to a situation or encounter, heck, not even realizing I had a choice to make. Seems as if mindful awareness and consideration of available options ought to be a skill that can be improved with practice, leading to making the "right" choices for me.

Thinking on this a bit more, I realized that my perspective, my receptivity to "choice points" has too often been limited to a filter of "can't vs can". By this, I mean that I look at things first with a negative perspective. I often realize in retrospect that when presented with an opportunity or a possibility, that I too often start with the excuses why I can't do something or why things won't work out instead of asking myself "why not" questions. "Why not try?" or "Why can't I succeed?" or "How can I make this work?"

This perspective of negativity definitely limits the choices I can make, and even leads me to believing that I don't have a choice at all. This leaves me with feelings of powerlessness and lack of control over my life. I know that I can get caught up in a mix of ruminations and worries, and then adding in this sense of powerlessness I get caught up in a state of anxiety, even fear, that has narrowed my choice to not wanting to choose, not wanting to do the hard work of choosing .... to escape, to forget, to distract myself ... but not to resolve. Welcome the solace of alcohol!

I am done with that! Now and moving forward, I must be mindful to be open-minded as choices, opportunities and possibilities are presented to me. And to accept that changing perspective and making good choices is real work, but worth the effort in living the life I want!

"When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in itself a choice."

- William James

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 03 - "Reaction vs Response"

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

― Viktor E. Frankl

"Pause points." My counselor used this phrase recently while we were discussing my problem of repeated lapses with alcohol use. In retrospect, my lapses have most often occurred when surrendering to urges, my desire for relief from anxiety and/or other troubling emotions, or perhaps my desire to enhance "good" feelings. Most likely a yinyang swirl of disharmonious emotions that send me into blind "reaction" mode, blunting my rational thought, giving myself unquestioned permission to seek just a glass, thinking just a little bit or for just a little while that drinking will be OK this time.

NONSENSE!! I know, when sober and with clarity, that drinking is never OK for me. My history makes it clear. I am one of those people without an off switch when drinking alcohol. "If one is good ... more is better." NONSENSE!!

The idea of "pause points", for me, is very valuable to keep in mind. It is a simple phrase that condenses the above Viktor Frankl quote. It also succinctly summarizes a critical step I have learned and practiced in the SmartRecovery program using concepts based on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Too many times, upon reflection, I have given in to "reaction", seemingly the easier path with no thought required, giving little to no forethought of the harms to myself and others that most often ensues. The solution here is to recognize when I am on a dangerous trajectory, sliding toward a "slip" and pausing my actions and irrational thoughts before making that purchase, having that first (and never last) glass.

Knowing I am at a "pause point" and using that time for rational thought, imagining the consequence of the choices I have at this point, the "hurt" that comes from surrendering to a lapse, the pride and strength that comes from making the healthy choice, and for me that has to be abstinence.

I'll mention three "tools" here that have worked for me in separating reaction from response:

Urge Log - A SmartRecovery tool I used in early recovery to record and track "urges" to drink. This helped to see patterns in my desires to drink and make plans to avoid "triggers" behind the urges.

Mindfulness - Being present and alert, aware of thoughts and feelings in the moment, instead of stuck in rumination or chasing worries.

Journaling - A valuable way of practicing and capturing behaviors and thoughts as a historical record and as tool for problem-solving and retrospection. “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” - George Santayana

These three tools for my recovery will be given more attention in separate posts with more depth as to how they have contributed to my continuing journey to the freedom of abstinence. Also, the subject of “automatic reactions” will be worthy of a future post.

Thanks for reading! :-)

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 02 - "Self-Awareness"

"Until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life". — Iyanla Vanzant

[Last weeks post about "Change" was a bit wordy, in my opinion, and I will strive to keep each weekly subject limited to about one page, focused on my recovery journey, my experiences, successes, failures, and insights that lead me to healthy and permanent sobriety. Nothing I offer in this Recovery52 project is direct advice for others contemplating or in recovery. I am sharing my journey as a way of journaling and self-help, committed to success, and perhaps benefitting others on the path.]

Self-awareness - noun [ U ] - good knowledge and judgment about yourself.

I realized that I do not have good and genuine knowledge of myself and that the judgements about myself may be flawed, shaded by flawed beliefs. I think this dictionary definition needs more. The first step in developing self-awareness was and is becoming aware that I am not fully self-aware. I believe and hope that by sharing my hidden past and discovering deeper thoughts of my "self" during my recovery photography project that I will become more fully self-aware.

Experiencing early childhood trauma, living a life restrained by unexamined fears, unwilling to look at myself deeply and honestly has put both blinders and guide rails on me for over six decades. Avoiding confrontation, finding ways to escape from emotional pain, being dishonest, seeking pleasure as distraction have been lifelong traits. Self-protection and guardedness have interfered with my relationships, with others and with myself. I have had a number of lapses in the past few years, examining each one, thinking I had the answer and final solution that "last time" and then falling right back into old patterns of thinking and behaving.

This time feels different. Past lapses have occurred in silence, as I have been a solitary drinker, believing no one will know and just this one last time will be OK. Well, that "drunken" silence screams loudly to family and friends. My abuse of alcohol is a selfish and harmful behavior and is never OK!

For me to strive toward self-awareness demands commitment and practice. I turn off distractions, embrace stillness, practice mindfulness and/or meditation, journal as it serves me, look and feel within the mind and body, capture and analyze my automatic reactions to others and the world. To see, understand, accept, and, if necessary, forgive what I find inside. This is not a quick and easy process. I find the good, the bad, and the ugly, often times stirring up negative emotions of guilt, shame, resentment and regret. These demand examination as learning opportunities. And, as mentioned in my last post, rather than stumbling through this journey alone, I have reached out for guidance from professional help.

"I cannot change my past, but by becoming truly self-aware, I can change my future!" - Bob Dionne

My thoughts for next week's post are leaning toward my lapses, my reasons, some ways to recognize the warnings, and ways I can avoid "giving in" to the urge.

[The images displayed here are my own captures and edits, reflecting my thoughts of journeying toward the unknown, never sure what I will encounter around the bend, accepting whatever comes.]

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 01 - "Change"

“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” – Jim Rohn

Last week, I announced my intent for a 52-week photo project to present my thoughts, experiences, and emotions (the toughest for me to share, I believe) regarding my journey through recovery and to permanent sobriety, with weekly posts (1 page or less) and photographs that resonate with me in that week, not in chronological order of the stages of my recovery, but just what "feels" important to me in the present as I retake the path. It may be that an image leads me to a thought or feeling about recovery or that a thought or feeling about recovery leads me to identify an image that is relevant to my story.

I am hoping that successfully completing a year of these posts (52 weeks) will bring healing and success for myself. Additionally, I hope that this project may be of benefit to others in recovery.

This is the first post about my substance abuse, missteps, and healing in my "Recovery52" photo project, with the subject being about "Change". Change is necessary, is difficult, and is empowering. I included a couple of useful links below that describe the "Stages of Change" or "transtheoretical" model used in overcoming addictions. This is also a concept used in the SmartRecovery program that I was involved with for a period of time. SmartRecovery will be the subject of a future post.

Change is necessary:

Recognizing a few years ago that my substance abuse was toxic to my self and my relationships, I quit drinking for some time, I tried some therapy (without real success), I joined the SmartRecovery community and did find success for a time. Accepting and desiring change for the better in my life helped me to achieve periods of sobriety, periods when I realized and enjoyed the benefits of mental clarity, improving relationships, and motivation to continue forward in sobriety.

I have had many "slips" along the way, believing I was in control and then falling back. Specific reasons that will be addressed in another post. For me, I have finally realized that I cannot achieve the positive and lasting changes I desire on my own and have taken action to get professional help. Asking for help was and is difficult for me, but necessary.

Change is difficult:

Yes, it has been hard work learning to "see" the things in my environment that disturb me, the engagement in relationships that trouble me, but most importantly, my inner self holding me back from true healing and growth, overcoming fears and stopping the old "tapes" from playing those "critical" voices.

My environment had to change, moving from a home raising children to apartment living and a midlife career change. My relationships changed, with a divorce, followed by a relationship breakup (both related to my alcohol misuse). I have let down family and friends in my periods of "silence" (aka drinking). Attempts at new relationships have failed, the most recent relationship seriously damaged. I have left behind me a trail of broken trusts! The most difficult aspect of change for me has been introspection, openly and honestly recognizing and understanding my need to "grow up", that change must begin within me.

Honesty with others and even with myself has been an issue for me for many years (another post) and something I have struggled with, hiding my addiction, trying to spare feelings in the short-term but causing pain for anyone involved. I know this needs serious effort to change.

True change requires real and continuous effort. It's not a recipe, it's not a "once and done" act ... it is a process, requiring serious intention and constant motivation.

Change is empowering:

With sobriety and clarity, I find I can be more passionate about my creative pursuits, more honest in my relationships, more capable in my endeavors, whether chosen by me or offered by others, and more self-aware and confident ... more empowered! I want this for my life!!

I do admit to stumbles (call them relapses) along the way, falling back into old patterns of problematic thinking and behaving. A relapse, in my view, is a failure, and also a learning opportunity. Following a relapse, I have worked to analyze and understand the issues involved in my relapse, and identify ways to see and avoid potential relapses in the future, getting back on track.

In those times when I've recognized and accepted the need for change, setting my intention and maintaining my motivation was and is critical to achieving change for the better and for my future. Perhaps next week's topic.

Links for my success:

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-stages-of-change-model...

https://www.smartrecovery.org/.../understanding-the.../

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Recovery52 - A Photography Project - Announcement

Recovery52 - A Photography Project

"Intention sets a conscious direction; motivation sustains our drive in that direction."

I am stoked to announce that I have finally selected a theme for my first photography project. My intention is a 52 week project with at least one photo and text content describing my journey through recovery and my desire to achieve long-term abstinence from alcohol. I'm feeling very motivated to be successful. Posts will appear in my main FB feed but also to my FB groups, Instagram and Vero accounts when appropriate. 01/20/23

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