Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 29 of 52 - "Defense Mechanisms"

“By not risking discomfort, you honor stagnation.” - Paul Colainni

Day 220 AF.

In last week’s post, I left with the intention to pursue the issues of my avoidant behaviors and evasiveness. Also, I believe my posts up to this point have been safe topics without real depth into my history, the reasons, and the damage done, by my alcohol abuse. My recovery feels very secure and steady at this time, but I know that more work in understanding my beliefs, behaviors, and feelings is necessary for me to achieve healthy and lasting change. If I manage healthy sobriety with changes in my behaviors, but I don’t identify and address the deep-seated cognitive and emotional formations that led me to choose escape and numbing, then I will remain at risk for relapse.

A concept that bubbled to the surface for me this week was the Freudian concept of “Defense Mechanisms”:

“Defense mechanisms are psychological strategies that are unconsciously used to protect a person from anxiety arising from unacceptable thoughts or feelings. According to Freudian theory, defense mechanisms involve a distortion of reality in some way so that we are better able to cope with a situation.”

A web search of defense mechanisms gives many links, with lists of the top 5 or 6 or 7, or 10 different lists, with one site I found listing 25 distinct defense mechanisms. This link is a good overview of the topic and is authored by the gentleman quoted at the opening of this post.

https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/defense-mechanisms/

Defense mechanisms are frequently tied to people with addictions. Most people will employ one, a few, or many in their lives. I recognize a few that I use or that affect me and will list them here with examples of my use.

• Denial: I minimized or rejected thoughts of my alcohol being a problem for myself or others in my life. I pushed away thoughts of health problems associated with drinking. I lied to myself many times that I could handle it.

• Repression: I am certain that ACE (adverse childhood experiences) left me with many fears and doubts that are triggered in my adulthood. I fear conflict and physical harm, avoid “scary” situations or conversations, and enter “flight” mode when my amygdala “alarm” goes off.

• Distraction: I find ways to “numb” my thoughts and concerns with less important, but more enjoyable activities.

• Passive Aggressive: I often use humor to diffuse tension and distract from an issue, but my use of sarcasm and cynicism is not appropriate, too often hurting others' feelings, and leaving problems unresolved.

My readings on this topic have some common recommendations for working with my defense mechanisms, recognizing when and why I use them, and correcting or eliminating the problems.

• Be mindfully aware when defense mechanisms are triggered, by both real and imagined threats

• Use cognitive behavioral therapy skills to understand thoughts and beliefs and make better choices

• Ask for help from a therapist or trusted family and friends to identify and improve responses

I do believe that serious effort in this area will make my life and my relationships better, and keep my recovery strong. The real effort will involve self-analysis, breaking old habits of thought and behavior, being honest with myself and those that matter to me, and being vulnerable. A better way of being and growing is to learn and practice healthy coping skills instead of hiding behind my ingrained defenses. I must admit fear at this stage, but the work is necessary for true recovery!

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #soberphotography #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 28 of 52 - "Avoiding and Evading"

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” — Brené Brown

"Lying is done with words and also with silence." - Adrienne Rich

Day 216 AF.

I apologize for being a couple of days late with this week's post. My photo project has had a self-imposed deadline of being out each Thursday, primarily for accountability to myself. I know from experience that without a target, without a goal, it is too easy to let things slide. I am late for a couple of reasons: one was taking a couple of days for a rejuvenating camping trip, and two I was having a difficult time focusing on a topic that I felt comfortable encapsulating with clarity in a single post.

In prior posts, I have written about being more open to help from others, including loved ones and a great therapist, increasing my self-awareness, learning to practice mindfulness, and maintaining habits that support my sobriety. All very well, but not good enough to confidently state I am in true recovery. There is still much work to do, requiring open-mindedness, bravery, honesty, and vulnerability.

The opening quotes above speak to my current frame of mind and the two areas that need real attention. I still find ways to numb myself when I don't want to think about problems: reading for pleasure, watching a movie, taking my camera out in nature, doing chores, and even taking a nap. I have no cravings for alcohol, but I don't always stop to ask if I am using my time wisely, and realize after my "numbing" activities that I am avoiding necessary efforts in moving forward. Worse yet, is my evasive nature in being truthful, with both myself and others. When difficult thoughts arise or difficult conversations are required, I still hesitate to engage. Fearful of hurting the feelings of others and of being vulnerable to harm puts me into flight or freeze mode, not being one to fight.

These behaviors of avoidance and evasiveness are deeply ingrained and are going to demand serious attention as I move forward. So, in my next posts, I will focus on my limiting beliefs, the fears, and the old programmed behaviors and thoughts of self-protection and self-doubt that continue to hold me in place. I am proud of my recovery efforts and achievements to this point (216 days!) but I know there is still work to be done.

(* Relapse is not an option! *)

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #soberphotography #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 27 of 52 - "Trigger Stacking"

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.

- James Thurber

Day 206 AF.

In last week's post, I had written about the idea of "habit-slipping" being a potential factor in relapsing. I had recognized that letting my healthy routines and behaviors begin to slide would lead me to feel out of sorts emotionally, with anxiety beginning to rise. With awareness, I realized that my past relapses had been preceded by my "habit slipping" in combination with another problem I recognized, what I'll call "trigger stacking". The term “trigger stacking” came to my mind last week, but I found with a web search that it has been used to describe how dogs respond to mounting stresses. I think it applies to human psychology, as well.

A definition of "trigger" with regard to recovery is useful here, and the linked site does a good job of understanding them and coping with them.

"For people with past substance use disorder, triggers can be any internal or external stimulus that intensely and often uncontrollably reminds them of using drugs or alcohol."

https://psychcentral.com/addictions/5-tips-for-managing-triggers-during-addiction-recovery#what-are-triggers

In my current state of recovery, I don't feel any desire to use or drink, in fact, my fear of relapse and the memories of past relapses, help keep me grounded. But I am aware of things in my daily experience that used to feel like a trigger, a "reason" to drink, to find an escape from problematic emotions, to numb negative feelings, or to enhance positive feelings. As I've written in prior posts, the practice of "mindfulness" has been key in seeing triggers as they arise, recognizing the trigger and the past associations, and then letting the trigger fade. Awareness of the present and what is affecting me now, recognizing what I can control, and choosing my response to the "here and now", is a constant practice and a gift.

Now back to my point of "trigger stacking". In past relapses, I know that I would feel triggers as they occurred, but pushed the feelings away, not bothering to process each one, letting a series of triggers stack up, not defusing the building pressure, being in a state of anxiety and unfocused anger, and reaching a point of dangerous release. Perhaps just a series of "triggers" would have been manageable and I could have avoided relapsing. But I know that a combination of "habit slipping" and "trigger stacking" was happening in the lead-up to my most recent relapses.

So, to mindfully beat a dead mindful horse, I know from the effort and success in my current and lasting recovery, that the practice of mindful awareness of my thoughts and feelings in the moment, whether positive or negative, is necessary. Additionally, not being mired in regrets of a past I can not change, or worries about a future I can only influence, helps me stay with the present, to be present. To be here and now.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #soberphotography #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 26 of 52 - "Habit Slipping"

"Be forgiving with your past self.

Be strict with your present self.

Be flexible with your future self."

- James Clear

Day 199 AF.

The above quote, is from the book "Atomic Habits", by James Clear. An excellent read, in my opinion. He describes how to instill good habits and get rid of bad habits. One of his ideas is called "Habit Stacking". "One of the best ways to build a new habit is to identify a current habit you already do each day and then stack your new behavior on top. This is called habit stacking. Habit stacking is a special form of an implementation intention."

This post marks six months since I began this Recovery52 photography project, documenting my thoughts and experiences as I move through my recovery from alcohol. I was confused with this 6-month milestone in my weekly posts, halfway to the intended 52 weekly posts. I recognized my 6 months of actual abstinence over two weeks ago, but then realized I had started the project a couple of weeks after my last binge, needing time to heal from withdrawals and to begin formulating an intention and plan for this project. This week I recognized a danger area for times I have relapsed in the past. I call this "Habit Slipping".

As I was catching up on daily planning and journaling yesterday, I noticed I had missed a couple of days in these activities as well as a couple of my morning meditations. I had also missed a scheduled day of exercise at the gym. I had let slide a couple of morning coffee and creativity periods, where I enjoy editing a daily photograph to start the day with a creative mindset. And I admit to some cheat days with my diet, choosing "comfort food" and convenience over healthy options. I could justify the reasons for these "slips" as my need to be flexible with my time, to accept understandable interruptions, to be of service to others, and to give myself permission to lapse, avoiding the stress of rigidity. I know I can get back on track with slipped habits and proceed without losing ground in my recovery.

Looking back at some of my past relapses, letting good routines and healthy habits slip for periods of more than a few days, has left me close to the edge and feeling guilty and unfocused, filling with anxiety: at risk for relapse. Combining my "habit slipping" with "trigger stacking" (to be addressed next time) has in the past let me slip over the edge, into the alcoholic abyss. Not this time!

I am mindful of my habit slips, allowing myself permission and forgiveness for the justifiable slips, and confidently getting back on my "habit track". James Clear writes about getting back on track, clearly and concisely, in his book, "Atomic Habits".

https://jamesclear.com/get-back-on-track

I must also mention a fallback tool I have for staying sober and moving forward in recovery. The fear of relapse. If I begin to notice feelings of anxiety from slipping my good habits or from the buildup of unresolved frustrations, I only have to recall my most recent relapses last year to remind myself of the pain I never want to experience or cause to others, ever again. I don't spend much time with this thinking as I can then move back to thoughts of gratitude for the happiness and healthiness I now enjoy in recovery.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #soberphotography #smartrecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject #jamesclear #atomichabits

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 25 of 52 - "Feeling my feelings"

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” — Brené Brown

Day 192 AF.

Unapologetically, I am again circling the drain of fear, resistant to dive into the deep. I wrote last week that I would be considering the fears that hold me back. Fears of hurting myself and others, fear of being hurt by others, and not uncommonly, fears of uncertainty. Fears long in the making, dwelling both in the mind and the body. But, the topic demands more work on my part, requiring honesty and vulnerability, and I don't feel ready to begin the reveal without more contemplation and discussion with persons I trust.

I think this week I'm just going to ride with my pride and gratitude in sobriety, being positive about my recovery journey. This has been a good week. I have enjoyed time with others and have been of service to others. I have had my creative time with my photography and my contemplative time, consisting of planning, journaling, and mindfulness; my meditative time, my relaxation time, my exercise time, and my sleep have been good. I am grateful for my physical health and mental clarity. I am sober!

Alternatively, I have had periods of moodiness and irritation with life's typical problems: Traffic problems, finding my milk had gone sour when I was really in the mood for Raisin Bran, dropping my phone in the car irretrievably between my seat and console, and having my apartment parking space taken by a "jerk". I have found myself sinking into the typical habits of rumination and worry, fortunately recognizing my state and coming back to here and now.

But when I put my life and situation in perspective, I am very fortunate. I know others struggle much more than I do in recovery. I have a family member suffering in poor health and a close friend living through treatment for a serious medical condition. I see, but don't dwell on the daily headlines meant to agitate and polarize us.

I have also found myself bristling at the abundance of "toxic positivity" I see in quotes and memes across social media and online recovery groups. I'll specifically mention "The Law of Attraction" as being dubious, if not even harmful to some. I bristle because recovery and life are hard, and involve both negative and positive thoughts and feelings that must be dealt with.

A quote I remember from a Smart Recovery group meeting was, "You have to feel your feelings". This thought along with the above Brene Brown quote is the point I want to keep in mind this week, and may help me as I examine my unresolved and unrealistic fears. I used to drink to not feel emotional pain and, sadly, I realize that I also missed out on so many pleasures and opportunities by being numb. Numb from alcohol and frozen by fear.

So, my sobriety continues, my work of recovery moves forward, and my gratitude for the support in my journey from loved ones, friends, my counselor, and others in the recovery communities grows. Thanks to all!

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #soberphotography #smartrecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 24 of 52 - "Trust and Fear"

"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." — Nelson Mandela

Day 185 AF. (6 months)

I am working on this week's recovery blog post on the Fourth of July. This is a major holiday for the nation, and many events and opportunities surround me. Invitations have been offered to attend parties and potlucks. But I have chosen to remain safely at home, to not be in situations or with groups where alcohol is being consumed by others. I have two honest thoughts here: one, would I be susceptible to the thought of "just a little, you can handle it now", or two, would I feel left out, deprived, in a mood? I've even avoided grocery shopping for this holiday weekend as I thought it best for me to avoid watching all the campers and partiers stocking up on "fun", again thinking of the above concerns.

After last week's successful completion of a stressful move and recognition of old triggers and habits not being at play, I came into this week contemplating the issue of trust. Primarily self-trust. My alcohol use history and relapses are long and also feel very recent, with about six months of uninterrupted sobriety. I must say I do not completely trust myself to stay abstinent in all situations yet. My past experience is riddled with "I can handle it"'s and "f*#@ it"'s that left me in relapse, some of them very painful, hurting myself and those close to me. I have felt shame for my behavior and questioned my integrity.

This lack of self-trust also makes it difficult for me to understand how other people in my life can trust me. I have made commitments and promises, feeling the strength gained from the love and forgiveness offered by others, and then just dropped the ball again, selfishly and often unthinkingly tripping into another binge. I have chosen the escape of alcohol from problematic emotions over my relationships and responsibilities. I have been offered forgiveness and support by family, friends, and loved ones. I've offered sincere apologies and promising words but did not seem to truly care. In this, I have injured many relationships.

Trust. How can I expect it in myself? How can I expect it from others? With more contemplation, I have the realization that I don't trust others. This runs deep with me, from childhood traumatic experiences, and giving more weight to negative life experiences than positive ones during much of my life. This is the normal human psychology of "negativity bias", a survival trait that protects us from harm but can, in the extreme, lock us into a life lived in fear.

Fear. Here I realize that fear is the underlying basis of my trust issues. I am afraid of hurting myself. I am afraid of hurting others. I am afraid of being hurt by others. I am afraid of feeling pain and of causing pain, both physical and emotional. In the past, I have chosen to avoid "unknown" pains and instead allowed the familiarity of "known" pains to continue. The physical pain involving hangovers, possible liver damage, and the potential risk to the safety of others. The emotional pain involving regrets and resentments and worries that hold me back and prevent others from getting close to me.

Tamping down these fears with alcohol is no solution to my problems and fears. The hard work for me now is to work with these fears, to understand them, to analyze them, to put them in perspective, and to move beyond them. I don't believe, and I may be wrong here, that deep analysis of each traumatic event in my past must be re-lived in order to move forward. I believe that by using my "pause points", becoming aware when fear may be underlying physical and emotional reactions to people, situations, and things, I can understand and address my fears moving forward.

This is a very broad topic and I will be doing some readings and research in the area of fear, relating my own experience and memories in future posts. I have successfully achieved six months of sobriety this time with the help of a therapist and will bring this topic to my counseling sessions for understanding and guidance. I think the effort will be difficult, and hopefully, the healing will be worth it.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #soberphotography #smartrecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 23 of 52 - "Anticipation, Awareness, and Achievement"

“It’s not the destination, it's the journey.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Day 178 AF.

I am a little late working on this blog post as I was on a four-day road trip with a close friend, the first two days enjoying the time, views, and stops along the way, capturing photos and sharing memories, and the last two days, loading a moving truck, driving for twelve hours with frequent stops and then unloading the truck at the end of the drive. Knowing the purpose of the drive was moving possessions and would be stressful, we had agreed to a slower drive at the beginning of the trip to enjoy the journey.

The details of the trip aren't necessary to relate here, but I wanted to share that the mission was accomplished. All of the boxes and belongings in a California storage unit fit in the U-Haul truck we rented, we had no breakdowns or broken bones, and we made it back to Portland on schedule. Plus, I got some great photos from the Northern California Redwoods and coastline!

The important point I want to make here in relation to my recovery is that I anticipated the stress involved in such a trip. The kind of stress that, in the past, would have easily let me rationalize the use of a "numbing agent". The work of moving household belongings, the stress of traffic and long drives, worries about being on time for lodging reservations and equipment rentals, and catastrophic thinking about truck breakdowns, damaged goods, and physical injury were serious concerns. Yes, I did worry and I did feel stressed, but I managed it. I recognized when I was letting my mind spin up and just this recognition gave me a pause, a space the return to the present. I recognized when my friend was feeling stressed and expressing worries, and was ready with soothing words to provide calm for her, I hope.

A very important part of this adventure, and what truly resonated in my recovery from alcohol, was an awareness, an aha moment, on the final drive through Portland rush hour traffic, the thought being this: In my past, a series of stressful days would have stoked my desire to drink and numb. As well, the successful completion of a difficult project would have had me thinking I deserved a reward, in the form of relaxation with a drink. Maybe there was some glimmer of a desire to use at the base of these thoughts, but I quickly took pride in my awareness and strength in recovery. I was solid!

My key takeaways: Anticipation of the journey, mindful awareness during the journey, and sober pride at the end of the journey. Oh, and I am very grateful for the new friends I met who helped load and unload the truck. We couldn't have done it alone!

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #soberphotography #smartrecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 22 of 52 - "Finding Calm with Intention Meditation"

“Learn to slow down. Get lost intentionally. Observe how you judge both yourself and those around you.” – Tim Ferriss, American entrepreneur

Day 171 AF.

Hello again. Here I am, working on the 22nd of the intended 52 weekly blog posts for my Recovery journey photography project. I have been uncertain as to a topic that most resonates with me this week, with many ideas that deserve wider and deeper consideration than can be served in a single-page post. The ideas of "self and ego", of a "higher power", or "addiction and neuroscience", have been on my mind, but are all above my level of expertise and I am a constant student in these areas with no intent to teach or preach.

After some contemplation, a session with my counselor, and some incidents triggering "judgment" about myself and others, I've decided to return to the practice of meditation. Some of my readings this week have mentioned meditation, and conversations with others have involved the idea of meditation, reminding me of my positive past experience with meditation.

I began a practice of daily meditation back in the summer of 2020, perhaps spurred by lockdown anxieties, and found it to be a calming activity that worked well with other healthy habits I was maintaining at that time (exercise, mindfulness, healthy eating, sobriety). Just like I let a dedicated physical fitness routine fall to the wayside, I also let the meditation routine drop. A chicken and egg concept here: did my lack of healthy habits leave me vulnerable to alcohol relapses, or did my repeated relapses make it difficult to return to my healthy habits? Whatever the reason, insobriety is a dead end!

I have referred to the act of mindfulness, the awareness of my thoughts and feelings at the moment, as being a basis for my success in resolving triggers and moods that have been points of failure in my past relapses. I believe that going beyond mindfulness and engaging in meditation with intention will provide another solid pillar of support for my sobriety. I have the time and I have the will. I am going to examine my daily structure of healthy routines and make meditation a daily priority. Likely, I will perform it first thing in the morning, before caffeine and activities spin me up. This means replacing and postponing my usual morning activities to another time, but a change in my routine, and a willingness and acceptance of change will be refreshing.

The intention for my meditation will likely be based on a gratitude or a concern, or even just nothing at all, letting the stream flow, letting peace reign for a time. My meditation will be short, with five minutes to start, using my phone as a timer, and extending the time as I desire. My meditation will be silent, perhaps simply breathing or a body scan, calling myself back to my center when I catch my mind wandering, distracted by thoughts beyond my intention. I do not do well with guided meditations as I find myself anticipating the "guiding" voice, wondering when the next instruction will come and what it will be. Even soft music tends to distract me.

Intentional meditation will now be part of my "inventory". I'll let you know how it goes.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #soberphotography #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

A resource I liked on this topic. An internet search on "intentional meditation" provided numerous links, but too many of them were clearly selling a program, displaying "offers" in return for your email name, before showing you any substance. I won't steer anyone to a sales pitch.

https://melliobrien.com/morning-intention-setting-meditation/

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 21 of 52 - "Myopic Recovery"

"It is great to be introspective, self-analysis can be useful, but only if it results in action."

- Joe Sacco

Day 164 AF.

I'm feeling solid in my sobriety, but with deeper analysis and awareness, doing the self-inventory work I wrote about last week, I've been feeling selfish in my self-care toward sobriety, at my nearsighted recovery effort. I'm very focused and successful in my efforts to be abstinent from alcohol. I'm absolutely appreciating the benefits of my alcohol-free lifestyle, enjoying the clarity of mind, the improvements in physical health and capabilities, and the self-confidence and integrity returning to my life. I am in control of my addiction to alcohol.

Though my recovery skills and mindset are working well for sobriety, I still sense that my "addictive" mindset and behaviors continue to exist in other areas of my life. For example:

⦁ Food and diet: I generally eat healthy foods, but still allow myself too many poor choices and too large of portions, thoughtlessly ignoring the ramifications, even when I know better.

⦁ Escapism and/or distraction: Reading for pleasure, binging on TV programs, podcasts, and YouTube videos, or filling time with non-priority tasks.

⦁ Shopping: Even though I don't buy many items, the "online hunt" is exciting while searching, reading product reviews, and imagining the benefits a new "item" would bring.

Of course, as in my past, being inebriated would only make these areas of excess more problematic and difficult to manage. My practice of mindfulness is strong enough to employ more broadly in my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

An even more important area in my recovery is my relation to others and my availability and presence to give support to others in need. I realize I am being mostly focused on just "me" in recovery while I have family members and very close friends, all loved ones, dealing with very serious health issues. I am offering support, feeling compassion and empathy, but honestly not to the extent I could. As well, I am engaged in a number of online FB groups for recovery and see so many people struggling with relapse and "painful" recovery. When I compare my journey, and my focus on my recovery, I realize my "problems" are small compared to the dire circumstances, the pain, and the fear being experienced by others.

I know that comparing my struggle with the struggles of others is relative, but deep down I worry that by taking my eye off of my "recovery" ball to be fully available to support others I could return to a risk of relapse. This has me feeling selfish, but I know, and so many others will agree, that if I don't take care of myself and stay sober that I won't be available to take care of others as needed.

When I began this Recovery52 photography project, I stated my intention was to keep each weekly post short and focused on one topic. This post was a bit broader, but I feel the areas addressed need attention as I move forward. I can work on multiple fronts. I will continue to keep alcohol out of my life and to expand my field of view to give effort to my other "lifestyle" addictions and to my availability and support to others in need ... to be of service with action.

I got this!

Staying strong.

Thanks for reading!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #smartrecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject #soberphotography

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 20 of 52 - "Taking Inventory"

"Ask yourself if what you're doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow."

- Paulo Coelho

Day 158 AF. ☺️

In recent posts I have written about using the practice of mindfulness to have an awareness of my thoughts and feelings, allowing me to make better choices about my responses to problematic events or “triggers”, rather than the desire to escape or numb any discomfort.

I call these “pause points” and they are becoming habitual in my recovery, a very good thing!

Mindful awareness of my state of being is very powerful and supports me in my continuous progress in recovery. But I’m realizing that I want to move beyond the “one-day-at-a-time” mantra that is often emphasized across the recovery communities. The immediate focus in early recovery has to be primary, but can’t be sufficient for fully living life in the long term.

The opening quote by Paul Coelho struck me in that I don’t have a clear vision of the second part of the question. If I don’t know where I want to be tomorrow, then how do I know if the behaviors, habits, attentions, and intentions that I practice now are leading me in the right direction? Recovery work requires attention each day, but I must return to the question of my purpose, my meaning, my why - what is my overarching, long-term vision for the journey ahead? I have my sobriety in the immediate and near-term nailed (fingers crossed and thumbs pressed). I have this photography project as a year-long effort that keeps me motivated on a weekly basis. Beyond these ongoing successes, I still have not put the effort into the “plan” for my life.

At this stage of contemplation yesterday, I began to create a new document, a worksheet, an “inventory” of my current state of being. Of my good and poor choices, my good and poor habits and behaviors, and my awareness and efforts, or lack thereof, toward possibilities and opportunities. Knowing my current state in these areas was a valuable exercise and I decided that taking “inventory” of myself on a routine basis is a good idea, and with practice will become a new healthy habit that will help provide guidance as I move forward in recovery and in life.

I intend to return to this "inventory" process in more detail next time, and also to the progress toward my "future" plan.

Staying strong.

Thanks for reading!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #smartrecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject #soberphotography

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 19 of 52 - "Gratitude for Mindfulness"

“Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation.”

- John Ortberg

Day 150 AF. ☺️

In a previous project post (#07), I had described my sense of pride in successfully noticing problematic events in a day and mindfully defusing each as it occurred so as not to let a build-up of frustrations lead to the kind of moodiness and discomfort that would send me in search of escape.

This week returns to that theme of mindfulness and self-awareness. I am practicing the habit of paying attention to my feelings during the day and maintaining a rational perspective. This week I felt myself entering a "low mood" state, which lasted for a couple of days. I realized that taking the time to consider why I was feeling "blah" would be wise.

Through conversations with friends and family, sharing my individual frustrations, and then sitting in a quiet space with attention to my moody feelings and thoughts, I realized that a mix of events/triggers were at work here:

• A close friend of mine is dealing with the concerns and demands of a cancer diagnosis.

• A recent knee injury has restricted my activities and connection with others.

• I have trouble with sleep and tiredness, due to knee pain and general worries.

• I recognize that I have been immersed too often in negative messaging on social media.

• In researching quotations about recovery for my weekly blog posts, I see the same or similar quotes that seem cliche, banal, or derivative. I am getting bored with these, to the point of becoming cynical.

I won't list my solutions to each of the above, but the effort of identifying the individual problems dispels the dark cloud of angst and makes each one more manageable.

In my past, I would have let these unexamined thoughts and feelings "simmer", adding additional irritations as “ingredients” to the pot, allowing my "recipe for relapse" to reach its boiling point, and finally "dousing the stove fire" temporarily with drink, with a mess to clean up afterward. No, not now. I am grateful for my strengthening practice of mindfulness, addressing things as they arise or when I notice a sense of unease deserving attention.

Let me emphasize some points that are key for me in my recovery effort:

• Any time I think of drinking alcohol again, I briefly and clearly recall the pain of relapse and withdrawal to myself and all the people in my life.

• Vocalizing and sharing with others: family, friends, my therapist, SM connections, and also being receptive to feedback.

• Journaling helps me to stay with a train of thought and provides a record to remember and continue problem-solving.

• -Quiet contemplation is key: No background noise or other distracting elements. No TV or music, not surrounded by "must dos" or the attention demanded by others. Best a walk or sit in nature or some neutral ground, fully engaged with myself and my thoughts.

Being mindful of my thoughts and feelings gives me the Viktor Frankl "space" between blind reaction and thoughtful response. I am grateful for the power that the practice of mindfulness brings to my recovery and my life!

Staying strong.

Thanks for reading!

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A Thought ...

From a mindful stroll through the Portland Japanese Gardens. 05/25/23

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#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #smartrecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject #soberphotography