Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 41 of 52 - "Not This Time"

"Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present."

~ Thomas S. Monson

Day 304 AF.

Last week, I wrote about a change in my recovery journey with my therapist moving to another job and my continuing forward without that pillar of sobriety, feeling very confident.

This week I felt a rise in apprehension when reminded about the upcoming time change, with clocks being rolled back one hour, giving us more light in the mornings, but also bringing longer and darker evenings. I became curious about this apprehension and chose to try and understand it.

Thoughts of where I was last year at this time came to mind, having had a relapse and binge episode in early November of 2022. Continued reflection brought forth memories of a string of repeated stumbles, moving through the fall and the winter, ending with my last binge into the New Year of 2023. These were hard episodes, causing much suffering to myself and the people in my life. I would get up shakily, and move forward in abstinence for several days or even a few weeks, memory of the pain receding. But, again I would latch onto that thought, "I can handle it, this time." Or just choosing not to think at all, just wanting the overwhelm and the dark to recede, not wanting to feel or deal.

I think a detailed narrative of one of my serious relapse episodes can fill a future post as a reminder to myself and others of problem drinking, but I want to make a point here that relates to the opening quote above and proves to me my change in thinking and behaving in my recovery.

I sensed an apprehension about the future and chose to engage the feeling rather than let it settle onto a pile of nebulous fears. I recalled failures in the past that I choose not to repeat. I felt both pride and strength in my recovery efforts, knowledge, and skills. Being mindful, living in the present, and not being caught up in rumination and worry keep me grounded in recovery.

I want to make it clear that this is just a real example of processing the feeling of apprehension from a specific cause. I still have worries over past decisions, finances, relationships, uncertainty about my future, and certainty in my recovery. I am aware of the need to give attention to each of these areas. I also know the wisdom of giving myself permission to enjoy other activities that bring calm and focus during lonely periods, such as photography, reading for pleasure, jigsaw puzzles, and time in nature.

The coming change in season, with the wet, cold, and dark of winter will not dim the light of my recovery!

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

* Inspired by REBT, SMART Recovery’s tool “THE ABCs of COPING WITH URGES” is a powerful way to deeply examine the beliefs we form after problems arise in our lives. We can’t always solve the problems themselves, but we can change what we believe and feel about them, and what we do (or don’t do) in response.

SMART Recovery

https://www.smartrecovery.org/

ABC Tool

https://www.smartrecovery.org/new-video-release-the-abcs-of-coping-with-urges/

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 40 of 52 - "Transitions"

"A man's pride can be his downfall, and he needs to learn when to turn to others for support and guidance." - Bear Grylls

Day 297 AF.

This week I learned about a major change in my recovery support network. The mental health counseling support I have received in the past ten months has been invaluable in traveling my recovery path but will be ending soon. I consider this a pillar in my recovery. I will admit that I sat in my car, reading and contemplating the meaning of the email announcing this news. A few thoughts immediately arose:

1. I have not been successful long-term in past recovery attempts, thinking I could do this alone.

2. I have ended prior counseling relationships in past recovery efforts too soon and then relapsed.

3. I admit to relief at the financial situation as therapy costs money and I've been paying out of pocket (well worth the cost for my sobriety) but I do have budget constraints.

This week, I am performing another SMART Recovery exercise to examine and adjust my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to be more healthy and helpful. The working tool for this exercise is called "ABC", based on cognitive behavioral therapy, a tool to help to examine feelings and beliefs behind problematic situations and to choose healthier responses and beliefs. (*see below)

(SMART Recovery ABC)

Activating Event - After over ten months of unbroken sobriety and growth in recovery from substance abuse, with much of my success being attributed to the support of an excellent therapist, I received an email informing me that my therapist would be leaving the practice for another opportunity at the end of the month and that we had time for just one more session.

Belief - Two primary thoughts here: I am fearful for my sobriety as I have failed in past recovery efforts without acknowledging and employing the support of a qualified mental health professional. I am relieved at the cost savings in not paying for therapy, but smart enough to realize that the cost of relapse is so much worse.

Consequence - I did immediately recall past relapses without the proper tools and support for real recovery. I was worried for myself, but not fearful. I was also happy that my counselor had the opportunity for career advancement and that he had offered support for finding other therapists. At this point, I decided to let the issue settle into my background thoughts for processing rather than let anxiety spin me up. I also knew it would be the subject of this week's blog posting.

Dispute - I do have both the intrinsic motivation and recovery momentum firmly in hand and gratitude for the support of loved ones and friends. I do have greater self-awareness, self-respect, and self-discipline than I've ever achieved in prior recovery efforts. I am living in a much more healthy way, physically and mentally. I have pride in the creation and sharing of this blog and photography project, as well as the joy in the art I capture and share. I am stronger and smarter this time!

Effective New Belief - I will continue on my recovery path with the knowledge, skills, and behaviors that are working for me, and be sure to engage with social support for my recovery. For now, I will research other recommended therapists for reconnecting with qualified counseling support, if I have the slightest doubt about my recovery strength. Lifestyle changes and budget adjustments are well worth the financial cost to ensure my recovery. I have the power to choose my path and I will not relapse!

As stated above, I am very grateful for the support and guidance from a gifted counselor as I have traveled my recovery path. I will continue my sobriety with the skills and awareness that I have gained from my counseling sessions. Thank you, Andrew, for the good you have done!!

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

* Inspired by REBT, SMART Recovery’s tool “THE ABCs of COPING WITH URGES” is a powerful way to deeply examine the beliefs we form after problems arise in our lives. We can’t always solve the problems themselves, but we can change what we believe and feel about them, and what we do (or don’t do) in response.

SMART Recovery

https://www.smartrecovery.org/

ABC Tool

https://www.smartrecovery.org/new-video-release-the-abcs-of-coping-with-urges/

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 39 of 52 - "Trash Talking"

“To leave the world better than you found it, sometimes you have to pick up other people’s trash.” —Bill Nye

Day 290 AF.

Last week, I wrote about the need to go deeper, to push harder in my recovery. I am confident and comfortable in my sobriety with the practice of healthy habits and abstinence. But, I know that I continue to react to events around me with beliefs and feelings in the same old patterns. These beliefs and feelings were formed long ago by my life experiences, and often lead to unhealthy and unhelpful reactions, which may be labeled as maladaptive behaviors.

This week, I am performing another SMART Recovery exercise to examine and adjust my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to be more healthy and helpful. The working tool for this exercise is called "ABC", based on cognitive behavioral therapy, a tool to help examine feelings and beliefs behind problematic situations and to choose healthier responses and beliefs.

(SMART Recovery ABC) -

Activating Event - A few months ago I went out for a group hike on a forest trail near Portland, OR. Along the way, we encountered a pile of garbage dumped on the side of a rural road near the trailhead, actually the source of the above photograph. I felt anger and let my anger spoil the walk that morning!

Belief - I despise purposeful littering and illegal garbage dumping, wanting those responsible to be held accountable, or at least get a solid dose of karma!

Consequence  - The anger I felt this morning, and the stirrings of anger I feel each time I see purposeful littering and dumping would have gone onto my pile of unresolved upsets. The accumulation of these upsets could have put me on the path to choose numbing. Not this time.

Dispute - The malignant behavior of a small portion of people is rare. Harboring general anger at specific instances of such rare behavior will not solve the trashing problem, nor will it serve my emotional health.

Effective New Belief - Rather than let my day be darkened with anger over a situation out of my control, I am choosing to change my reaction and behavior when I encounter careless littering. Recognize the anger, accept the anger, and diffuse the anger. Then pick up the trash, if possible, and properly dispose of it, leaving my path better than I found it!

Admittedly, the roadside pile above would be a challenge to clean up, and beyond my capacity that day. But, I am adding disposable gloves and plastic trash bags to my hiking gear so that I can pick up the garbage and trash that I find disturbing along my routes. I can’t control others and the world, but I can control myself and my reactions, choosing to make a positive difference.

I am leaving this post with a more positive image, the way I want nature to be seen and enjoyed for myself the rest of those treating it with respect and appreciation. A place for gratitude!

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Inspired by REBT, SMART Recovery’s tool “THE ABCs of COPING WITH URGES” is a powerful way to deeply examine the beliefs we form after problems arise in our lives. We can’t always solve the problems themselves, but we can change what we believe and feel about them, and what we do (or don’t do) in response.

SMART Recovery

https://www.smartrecovery.org/

ABC Tool

https://www.smartrecovery.org/new-video-release-the-abcs-of-coping-with-urges/

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 38 of 52 - "Boarded Up"

“Character isn't inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear, hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains.

Helen Gahagan Douglas

Day 283 AF.

Last week, I wrote about the need to go deeper, to push harder in my recovery. I am confident and comfortable in my sobriety with the practice of healthy habits and abstinence. But, I know that I continue to react to events around me with beliefs and feelings in the same old patterns. These beliefs and feelings were formed long ago by my life experiences and often led to reactions and maladaptive behaviors that were not healthy or helpful. The picture for this week is a metaphor for my windows to the world.

Many of my recent weekly posts have been soft and safe, but not openly honest. I will admit to holding back thoughts if I think others may take offense or have feelings hurt. In discussions with my therapist and friends, and in my own contemplation, I know that my recovery will remain stalled if I don't work more seriously on my issues. Thinking back to my initial intent for this blog and photography project, it was primarily for my recovery. I told myself that if no one else ever read these posts, I was helping myself. I also hoped that it would perhaps be of service to others in recovery, and I believe it has.

But now is the time to continue my healing efforts. I am going to do this with a tool I learned in SMART Recovery. A working tool called "ABC", based on cognitive behavioral therapy, is a tool to help to examine feelings and beliefs behind problematic situations and to choose healthier responses and beliefs. It is useful for examining urges to use and for emotional upset. My intent will be to address situations that stir old trauma and upset in order to move forward in a healthy way. Here goes:

(SMART Recovery ABC)

• Activating Event - I went out this morning to enjoy a walk in nature and capture the beauty of autumn colors. I started at a well-known arboretum and began walking the forest trails. As I passed a museum at a famous forestry center, I saw very serious and very recent and very expensive damage, with multiple windows shattered and now boarded with plywood. I asked some nearby transit workers what had happened and how recently, as I had seen nothing in the local news coverage. They told me it was caused by climate activists recently protesting forest policy. I became angry at the perpetrators!

• Belief - I despise vandalism and malicious destruction, wanting those responsible to suffer. I admit I lean toward retributive justice for the worst crimes.

• Consequence  -  I proudly recognized this would not drive me to drink, as it may have in the past. But, I was angry and held the anger for much of my day.

• Dispute - Here I am supposed to question my belief as to whether it is true or not. I am still working on this step, knowing modification is wise but I'm not ready to abandon it completely. I am currently reflecting on my past experience to understand the source of my feelings on this issue, but more work is needed here.

• Effective New Belief - Rather than let my day be darkened with anger over a situation out of my control, I need to recognize and accept the anger as part of my being, but then let the anger be released with mindful breathing and other diffusing techniques.

This was a specific example from a situation that I encountered today. I will be continuing this format of working with my beliefs and inner wounds, so as to move forward into healthy recovery. I understand that I may stir feelings with my attempt at openness and honesty, and I will strive to be kind. But continuing to repress my feelings for fear of hurting others is dishonest and healthy for no one. It is time to break the chains!

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 37 of 52 - "Moving Forward"

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” ~ Buddha

Day 278 AF.

I am a couple of days late with this weekly blog post, missing my self-imposed deadline of posting by the end of Thursday each week. But, I am OK with letting this slide, giving myself permission to miss the goal, having instead enjoyed a road trip through parts of central Washington state. I traveled with a good friend through parts of the "Cascade Loop" and drove along many miles of state and rural roads, capturing images and enjoying the adventure. A journey well worth a missed target date!

Now, to the point of this post. It has been seeming to me and also pointed out by my friend, that my more recent blog posts have been rather "safe", not addressing subjects with any depth about my alcohol use and recovery. Topics of practicing mindfulness and healthy habits, feeling passion for my photography, staying successfully sober with no real urges, and feeling solid in recovery are all well and good.

But, there are deeper and darker topics in my past that I do not delve into deeply. Topics that stir feelings of shame, guilt, resentment, or anger. Topics that may be upsetting to me. Topics that if raised may upset others, perhaps even in my being ostracized. There are past traumas that I won't detail here yet but should be discussed with my therapist and trusted family and friends as appropriate.

I have rejected the idea of being completely open about my thoughts and feelings to the world, to the people that matter in my life, and to fellow travelers in the recovery community. I've resisted stirring up feelings and memories laid down long ago, believing that the past cannot be changed so why dwell on it? But I also recognize I am conditioned and constrained in my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors by my experienced past.

So, I am thinking of focusing my journaling on the critical events and experiences that have been problematic in my life, that led me to choose escape, that limit my living fully now. Then to find resolution as needed through self-reflection, self-awareness, and conversations with my therapist and those close and relevant in my life.

This is a path that will demand vulnerability, honesty, and bravery. A path that I must brave, hopefully, and thankfully with the support of others, but ultimately mine to travel.

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 36 of 52 - " A Recipe For Recovery"

"A joyful life is an individual creation that cannot be copied from a recipe."

— Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, American Hungarian Psychologist

Day 269 AF!

This week has been a good one, with no internal challenges to my sobriety. I've been consistent in the areas of healthy routine habits, such as daily planning and journaling, practicing meditation, and working out at the gym for both mental and physical health. I've enjoyed my early morning sessions each day waking up with my first coffee and being creative with editing photographs. Today, I improvised a chicken vegetable rice soup, enjoying the silence in the kitchen, anticipating the delicious result (I'm hoping, anyway).

I've listened to audio streams about recovery and addiction and various science subjects and even found enjoyment in YouTube videos about the history of my favorite video game franchises. I have a couple of books in progress that help me to unwind before sleep. Yes, I give myself permission to escape.

Not everything is peaches and cream. I have loved ones who are experiencing pain through illness and loss. I try to be there for assistance and encouragement. I have continuing concerns about finances and my future, but I am attending to these. I am well aware that if not sober I could not be of service to others or myself.

The above quote resonates with me in that my life is mine to craft, to create, and not to be molded in a form defined by a strict model or recipe. I have experienced various recovery methods and attended group meetings, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Smart Recovery, and Dharma Recovery. I have done much studying in the areas of psychology and addiction to better understand my own drives. What I can say is that no one "canned" program or recipe for recovery was enough for me to stay sober. In no single program did I find the final solution for me. I have found a mix of useful ideas and tools from the different models combined with the most fundamental aspect of my success this time is leading me in a "joyful" recovery. That most fundamental aspect is my intrinsic motivation to live happily and with purpose. I truly want this new sober path I am on!

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 35 of 52 - "Passion Over Addiction"

"Passion creates, addiction consumes."

- Gabor Mate, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts

Day 262 AF!

This has been a good week for me, relatively speaking. At thirty-five weeks alcohol-free, having moved beyond routine urges and practicing healthier habits in both thinking and behavior, I feel my sobriety is solid. But I am smart enough to know, from past experience, that my sobriety is not assured. I have abstained for periods of time before. I recall three serious attempts at sobriety in the past after drinking became a problem in my life, and then choosing to return to the false comfort of induced numbness or altered awareness. My attempts at what I'll call "white-knuckle recovery" did not hold.

The difference in this recovery effort is that I have made significant changes in understanding myself through self-awareness, with support from loved ones and a good therapist. Recognizing my old ways of thinking kept me on the path of self-destruction, I have strived to practice mindfulness and accept the reality of life, not to hide from it. To focus on being present to myself and others, and to choose wise responses over blind reactions.

I am excited about sobriety this time, and passionate about creating. Creating my better self, creating more meaningful relationships with the people in my life, creating art with my photography, and creating my future. Creativity in these aspects of my life is restoring meaning to my life.

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #soberphotography #secularreocovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 34 of 52 - "Gratitude for Today"

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” - John F. Kennedy

Day 255 AF.

Last week I ended my post by writing, "In service to myself and my sobriety, I must remember to guard against the two thieves of my now .... past and future!", about not letting past regrets and future worries steal the "now".

-----------------------------------------------------

Today, I spent the day walking a bridge, passing from one shore to another. The bridge between yesterday and tomorrow. Today.

Today, I climbed a mountain. Today, I sat by a waterfall. Today, I was immersed in nature. Today, I traveled routine roads and witnessed familiar landmarks with new perspectives.

Today, I am grateful. Grateful for the beauty of nature, the awe of being. Grateful for my ability to engage in the exploration of the world, both without and within, exercising my body, mind, and spirit.

Today, I am grateful for my sobriety, for both my own efforts and the support of everyone in my circle!

Today, I am sober!

{Let me leave a few photographs from my adventures in nature today. I climbed Saddle Mountain in Clatsop County, OR., and sat by Fishhawk Falls. Much of my trail time was mindfully spent. The drive was enjoyed with calming music. And I got pizza to celebrate the day.}

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #soberphotography #secularreocovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 33 of 52 - "Two Thieves"

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future. - Fulton Oursler

Day 248 AF.

With over eight months into this sobriety effort and thirty-three weeks into this photography project, I continue to find peace and wisdom in everyday living. A peace and wisdom that I did not possess when I was routinely drinking, particularly when drinking heavily. After stumbling out of my last hard binge, with the painful memories of prior lapses, the knowledge of the hurt I inflicted on others, the harm I was doing to myself, and the realization that my life was essentially without meaning, I resolved to end that way of life.

With intention on my part, with the support of family and friends, time with a good therapist, and the multitude of media resources and programs addressing "alcoholism", I have developed habits and routines that support my forward growth. Attention to my mind and body fitness, and improved self-awareness, have become pillars of my sobriety. Recognizing when old thought patterns begin to take hold allows me to pause and examine my thoughts and feelings, the opportunity to choose a healthy response to "triggers" that may arise.

A strong and frequent issue in my drinking history was anxiety from being caught up in regrets about the past and being spun up in worries about the future. Anxieties at a level that led me to choose avoidant behaviors. I am much better now with the practice of mindfulness at recognizing when I am being pulled into thoughts of the past or the future, pulling me away from my moments of living now. I think it makes sense to look backward for learning experiences and to look forward to goals as necessary on the journey. But to be consumed with thoughts of a past that can't be changed or of fears of things that may never happen is emotionally and cognitively exhausting.

In service to myself and my sobriety, I must remember to guard against the two thieves of my now .... past and future!

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 32 of 52 - "Governing the Kingdom"

A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings dwell; And very hard the task I find of governing it well. - Louisa May Alcott

Day 241 AF.

Recent events and situations have been at play that have triggered my emotions, affected my moods, and challenged my thoughts.

⦁ I was afflicted with the shingles virus on the same weekend that I had received the shingles vaccine.

⦁ My son's wedding celebration was planned and I was very excited to be a part of this.

⦁ I have loved ones dealing with serious personal health issues and I had committed to be available for care-giving situations.

⦁ On my own personal health front, I was recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic, and I have ongoing tinnitus that won't be addressed for treatment until January.

⦁ I have not been to the gym to work out or joined in group hikes for over two weeks.

I realize that my stack of issues and concerns is small compared to the hardships and suffering of people near and dear to me and of those people struggling in their own recovery efforts that I read about in the recovery Facebook groups. In actuality, the current state of my life is pretty damn good! I am grateful for where I am, what I have, and the growth I am experiencing in recovery.

Though my "problems" are relative compared to others, I think it is worth sharing my experience and thoughts for the week here.

I experienced a mix of emotions and recognized the emotions actually changing over time in the past week. Having shingles was both painful and contagious. The pain had me limit my activities and disrupted my normal daily living and sleep. The contagiousness of the outbreak had me evaluate the risk to others I presented, and I actually chose to skip my son's wedding ceremony. I also chose not to assist a close friend with the necessary medical support I had been committed to. The outbreak of the shingles virus was my reason for missing workouts at the gym and group hikes. In a self-imposed "lock-down" so as not to spread the virus, and without distractions I found myself being more sensitive to the tinnitus, contemplating my diet for healthy change, putting effort into analyzing my financial state, and giving thoughts to my longer-term desires, goals, and plans.

My success here was being aware of my feelings in the moment, noticing feelings change over time, from fear to sadness and then to regret for different issues. For example, I seriously worried that I could infect others at the wedding, even with precautions. I was very sad about not being there on the day of the missed celebration. But then after the event, I felt regret for missing out and letting others down, doubting my decisions. The same mix of emotions has run the gamut for missing the commitment to caregiving and to maintaining my physical fitness. Layered on the mix of changing emotions, I recognized anxiety swirling over uncertainty about future health conditions and self-doubt regarding financial management and goal-setting. I have to say I felt a state of depression that I have not felt in a long time.

An important note here is also thinking about my risk of relapse. I considered going out alone to be in nature a couple of times when I was feeling low. But I recognized the niggling doubt of self-trust, playing the thought through, and remembering past relapses where I have had (keeping it clean here) the "eff it" moment, justifying the idea of a glass or two of wine would be OK for now, that I could handle it. Additionally, I did think about the potential of relapse at the wedding celebration. The positive emotions of happiness and pride leading me to chasing the good feelings in the moment, thinking I could handle it. Memories of past relapses, whether to avoid pain or to seek pleasure, and not "handling it" are vivid and valuable in my sobriety.

I witnessed my thoughts and feelings. I allowed them to be, understand them, pass on by, and not surrender. I did focus on the important things. Prior defense mechanisms and coping strategies, such as denial or numbing had no place here, no place now in my recovery. I made it and will continue on the path of recovery and growth.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 31 of 52 - "Toxic Media Detox"

“Don't let the bearers of bad news become the pallbearers of your happiness.”

— Stewart Stafford

Day 234 AF.

My initial thoughts for this week's post were about being caught up in ruminations about the past and worries about the future, both stoking strong feelings of shame, regret, or fear, "reasons" to seek escape from "imagined" monsters. But I'll leave this topic for another time.

Last night, I experienced the beginnings of a rise to anger that reminded me of times in the past when I have chosen to use alcohol .... and I've never just used it, I've abused it! I had seen a few news headlines on a topic that irked me. Instead of walking away, I found a current podcast on the issue by hosts I used to enjoy as humorous. Within the first 15 minutes of listening, I realized that I was becoming angry. I quickly turned it off, enjoyed silence and mindfulness for a while, and then chose to read for pleasure to close out the evening. No, I wasn't close to failure, I was self-aware!

I will attribute some of my success in this recovery effort to recognizing the dangers of overindulgence in social media and news media consumption, particularly those that purposefully stoke fear and division. I became a news "junkie" after the September 11th tragedy, finding talk radio programs and cable news channels occupying much of my time, shaping my beliefs and biases. Over the years, with the growth of social media, I also found myself engaged in swimming the toxic social media sludge streams, posting my "truths" and ridiculing others' "opinions". I was an angry man, and too often drinking ... the anger fueling the drink and the drink fueling the anger.

(In point of fact, I created a Twitter account in 2007 and began sharing links and making snarky comments about news and culture. By 2013, I had posted over 17,000 tweets and had over 2,000 followers. My drinking had become such a problem in my life, impacting my family and marriage that I realized I had to cut my immersion in "hate" if I hoped to become sober. I deleted my Twitter account and have avoided it since. Drunken tweets are never good!)

Last year, during my final bouts of lapsing, I recall spending more time listening to podcasts and YouTube channels about current events and cultural divisions, being on edge frequently. Combine this with other factors, and each relapse turned into a hard fall, a binge. Each time, regretting my actions, apologizing to others, and telling myself "No more". Not enough to hold firm, until my last relapse.

Since that time I have throttled my indulgence in news media, limiting my daily exposure to reviewing online headlines, paying attention to those of real importance, and separating the "true" from "opinion" news sources. In my social media streams, I have primarily focused on posting my photography and sharing this photography project, as well as sharing food images and occasional humor. (I do admit to sharing links and opinions for local issues, but I try not to be snarky.)

My success here was knowing my history and recognizing my feelings at the moment, responding to old triggers in a healthy way. My continued success in recovery demands some level of vigilance against the effects of media manipulation, especially as we experience a new and tiresome presidential political cycle and the daily doses of continuous cultural quakes.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #soberphotography #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 30 of 52 - "My Coping Styles"

“Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

- Aleatha Romig, Consequences

Day 227 AF.

As a logical follow-up to last week’s post about my defense mechanisms, I want to take a look at coping mechanisms (also called coping styles or strategies), what they are, and the ones I have used and still use to handle stress and anxieties in my life. My purpose here is to relate my past alcohol misuse with ineffective or "maladaptive" coping strategies and to raise my self-awareness of my current ways of coping with life's stressors.

Coping styles/strategies/mechanisms are the ways we consciously respond to stress and problems. Defense mechanisms are the ways we unconsciously react to stress and problems, typically deep-seated and fear-based.

"What Are Coping Mechanisms?

Significant life events, whether positive or negative, can cause psychological stress. Difficult events, such as divorce, miscarriage, the death of a loved one, or the loss of a job, can cause most people to feel grief or distress. But even events that are considered positive by many—getting married, having a child, and buying a home—can lead to significant amounts of stress. To adjust to this stress, people may utilize some combination of behavior, thought, and emotion, depending on the situation."
...
Coping styles can be problem-focused or emotion-focused. Problem-focused coping strategies are typically associated with methods of dealing with the problem in order to reduce stress, while emotion-focused mechanisms can help people handle any feelings of distress that result from the problem.
...
Additionally, coping mechanisms can be broadly categorized as active or avoidant. Active coping mechanisms usually involve an awareness of the stressors and conscious attempts to reduce stress. Avoidant coping mechanisms, on the other hand, are characterized by ignoring or otherwise avoiding the problem.
...
Some coping methods, though they work for a time, are not effective for a long-term period. These ineffective coping mechanisms, which can often be counterproductive or have unintended negative consequences, are known as “maladaptive coping.” Adaptive coping mechanisms are those generally considered to be healthy and effective ways of managing stressful situations."

Here is a link for a deeper understanding of coping mechanisms, and where I borrowed some text defining coping mechanisms for this post, italicized.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/coping-mechanisms

Primary ways of Coping: (mine in bold)
    Support: Talking with others, asking for help
    Relaxation: Time in nature, meditation, quiet time
    Problem-solving: Identifying a problem and developing solutions
    Humor: Can lighten the mood, but can be overdone
    Physical activity: Exercise, sports, hiking, and dancing can reduce stress

Common maladaptive coping mechanisms: (mine in bold)
    Escape: Withdraw, engage in solitary activities
Unhealthy self-soothing: Moderate use of behaviors and substances may allow distraction, such as binge-watching TV, internet use, and video games, but can lead to numbing.

Numbing: For me, binge drinking, disappearing from the world and myself.
    Compulsions and risk-taking: Gambling, extreme sports, adrenaline rush.    
    Self-harm: People may engage in self-harming behaviors to cope with extreme stress or trauma.

Even though I am moving solidly forward in sobriety, I know that I still employ avoidant or maladaptive coping mechanisms, mostly to escape, ignore or deflect stressors affecting me, rather than truly strive to handle problems effectively. I know that my "recovery" tools of mindfulness and journaling will help me identify and adjust my reactions and responses in healthy ways. Efforts here will involve self-analysis, breaking old habits of thought and behavior, being honest with myself and those that matter to me, and being vulnerable. A better way of being and growing is to learn and practice appropriate healthy coping skills and to recognize and correct my use of maladaptive coping mechanisms. I can do this!!

(* Relapse is not an option! *)

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #soberphotography #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #photography #photographyproject #photoproject